Viruses and Other Social Pariahs

Ugh, this warm weather! It’s either throwing my allergies for a serious loop, or I am coming down with a Godzilla-like cold. I went out to weather.com to check the allergy levels, but that’s telling me nada.

I’m thinking I may have been cursed with a cold, as I pop another zinc tablet – dammit!

Well, yesterday was Stephen B’s birthday (which David so “kindly” reminded me of at 2:30pm, so I didn’t have time to pick up a small gift or card or disgusting sex toy…) Mr. B. – what a mess! I feel like every time David, Stephen B., and I get together we could conceivably land ourselves in jail. We’re like an open tank of gasoline and a lit match and even more gasoline. We’re loud and sick and dangerous, and we break several social mores and pass perilously close to breaking laws.

(Side note: We wanted to capture this wackiness in our show “My Big Fat Gay Wedding,” but Stephen couldn’t do it.)

So, we the Gay Huns (or Gay Vikings or whatever would imply a bunch of homos who act like savage tards) sat at Olive Garden at 8:45pm – Stephen B. ate a meal, David a healthy salad (slap!), and Cathy and I had desserts. We all stared longingly at the thick, fat, long, tumescent bread sticks, their tan flesh glistening with just applied butter…

We were loud and obnoxious (just short of tossing pasta), and David laughed so hard he quit breathing twice and we had to throw him up on the table and pound on his bony little bird-like chest to get his heart beating again. Cathy laughed till she cried and her entire head turned a lovely shade of mauve. We were – and I love this word – incorrigible!

The waiter Jose was grossly ineffectual, and a lovely server named Justin kept coming over to save the meal. If we could have left our tip for sexy Justin, we would have. As it was, we tipped “Hide and Seek Jose” about 2 dollars between us. Cathy was a server for years, and she tends to be fairly lenient. So when she thinks we got bad service, you better believe we got bad service.

Cathy gave Stephen B. homemade jelly for his birthday, which Stephen in his fashion kept making fun of. I kept trying to curb him and help her not take it personally. Everything improved when Stephen suggested he’d use the jelly for sex. Okay, sure.

Favorite conversation (and this is all the detail you’re getting, people!): How to make sex toys out of common household objects. Thank God Hose…I mean, Jose…never got around to bringing over the pepper mill, or we might have just landed ourselves in the pokey for the night (do read the sexual double entendre in “pokey.”)

Homemade sex toys are not something you would’ve seen on the old Martha Stewart show! Though now she’s been incarcerated, we may be seeing this on the upcoming new show.

And that’s a good thing.