A Quiz from David

1. Has 2005 been better or worse than you expected?
I’ve learned not to have expectations.

2. What happened in 2005 that you didn't expect?
They brought Hitler back from the grave and made him Pope – that was surprising.

3. What didn't happen in 2005 that you expected to?
How ‘bout we skip this question…

4. Did you have goals for 2005? Are you halfway to them yet?
Goals are like expectations; they’ll only bring pain, heartache, and country songs. I can handle the first two, but the country songs suck ass.

5. Name three Happies for the year so far.

• My shoes have new insoles that I bought for less than five dollars.
• Marcie’s finicky cat Judy seems to like me.
• I laughed when I heard this morning about Deep Impact, the space probe that smashed into a comet. I thought, what a great title for a porno film – Deep Impact. I mean, hey, we already have the space probe! Cue the cheesy music and we have a gay skin flick?

6. Name three Icky-Pukeys for the year so far.

• Though the rest of my body is relatively content, my left pinky has become dangerously sociopathic.
• We Are the World didn’t quite obliterate global hunger, so I don’t have a lot of hope for Live 8.
• I’ve basically re-hymenized.

7. Since New Year's, are you happier or sadder?
Sappier.

8. Since New Year's, are you thinner or fatter?
I believe I am fatter, but I have just started drinking a super shake that promises to help me lose 130 pounds in just one day! It’s made from Metamucil, Milk of Magnesia, prune juice, apple sauce, Tabasco, castor oil, and Drano. I’ll have to completely replace my bathroom when I’m through, but I’ll be thin and beautiful!!!

9. Since New Year's, are you richer or poorer?
I honestly cannot tell. Damn college loans!

10. Since New Year's, are you more content or less content with your career?
OK, I’ll concede here that I am more content.

11. What do you hope to see happen in your life in the next six months?

• I would like the end the re-hymenization process, preferably with another human, instead of with a kitchen implement or a highly collectible Beanie Baby.
• I would like to get even more new insoles and maybe even some new shoes!
• I believe at some point I will use the bathroom – sooner than later if this super diet shake has any say (and I think it does!)
  

12. What do you hope to see happen in the world in the next six months?

• The end of all terrible diseases, including conservative politics
• I would like all biological problems to spontaneously disappear
• I would like everyone in the world to give me a shiny new AMERICAN dime.

(See, this is why I don’t create expectations. They can only lead to disappointment, harmonicas, bad lyrics, and steel guitars.)

13. Have any major lessons-learned, catharses, or Aha!-Moments happened to you this year?
These things listed above are like expectations and goals; they all bring on country songs, so I avoid them like the plague.