Size does matter

Cuz NO ONE reads the long ones...

Hehe

An author who had affected you:
Stephen Frey – I so hated his shittymuthafuckingsuckass book The Hippopotamus that I poured a perfectly good latte all over it in the Newark Airport before I dropped it in the trashcan, so that no one else might actually read it. If I coulda gotten away with taking a flame-thrower to every copy of that godforsaken book, I woulda.

What you most like to do on a Sunday:
This is honest. Sleep in. Go to breakfast with someone I can read the Sunday paper with (Cathy is best for this), drive around listening to Prairie Home Companion and Click & Clack, do a few chores, take a nap, meet with friends in the late afternoon, then go home and turn on 104.1’s Sunday Night Vinyl and get the house cleaned and my clothes prepped for the next week.

A monument you would like to view from your bedroom:
The Washington Monument would be my personal inspiration! Nudge nudge.

A taste that makes you melt:
Hydrochloric acid

A hobby that occupies your time:
Body-building…

The film you could watch over and over:
Mary-Kate and Ashley Pull a Train

Your motto:
If ignorance is bliss, then I should be in fucking Heaven!

FRUITS OF YOUR LABOR
Your approximate annual income:
Above poverty level but below middle upper middle class.

Something important on your computer desk:
Ideas and plans.

What you would keep in a safe, if you had one:
The neighbor’s bird.

Things you like to buy:
Slaves

If you could afford it at this moment, you would buy:
All the world’s available gold. Drive up the market and then sell it.

You collect:
Dust.

Your strangest possession:
Once the devil entered me through my backside. Boy that was a strange possession!

Your most expensive possession:
See above. It left a nasty stain which totally destroyed my white couch!

Your prized possession:
Either Jesus or Shirley McLaine – I cannot tell the difference...

If your house was burning and you only had time to rescue 3 things, they would be:
Me, my CD collection, and my cat.


MORALS:
Something forbidden you have done that might even surprise your closest friends:
The worst thing I ever did was – I worked with handicapped people, and I once commented out loud to a coworker that one resident had so much equipment and no possible knowledge on how to use it. The only thing that saved me is that the coworker said, “Yeah, I’ve noticed, but if I were you, I’d never say that again.”

The appropriate age for having sex:
You should stop when you get into your upper nineties (unless you’re with me!)

The first time you had sex, you were how old:
Thirteen.

Your most recent lie:
I told someone that Josh Geoghagan and I are married (just seeing if you’re reading, Joshie…) I lie a lot, because it’s fun, but I’m usually pretty forthright with the fact that I am full of shit!

A lie you tell yourself:
Please don’t panic when you read this, but I understand that I am like my mother and my great uncle in that I can be very self-destructive and even get into suicidal thinking very easily, and I have to often lie to myself that it’s all worth it in the end to get past that. And I don’t share this fact a lot, because I think it’s creepy and self-pitying and uncomfortable and besides, if I can pretend everything inside is okay, then most people would never be able to tell the difference. The weird thing is it doesn’t feel like depression or melancholy or sadness. It feels like almost everyone else in the world has this self-preservation gene that I just lack. I just don’t have it. It ain’t there. It doesn’t make me sad or scared, just fairly self-destructive in my thinking and most of the time, in the way I live my life.

A drug or alcoholic beverage you take on a regular basis:
None really. Caffiene, I guess.

If there were no side effects, you would enjoy being addicted to:
Exercise, really!

What would your reaction be if your spouse or partner cheated on you:
Open season!!!

A time you purposely hurt someone emotionally:
I told my brother that I don’t ever want to go back to Oklahoma City to see him or the others again.


FAMILY:
Which of your parents do you strongly resemble?
Physically, my dad. Emotionally, my mom.

If you didn't know your parents, you would choose these two famous people to take their place:
Meryl Streep and Susan Sarandon – they would make such great lesbo mommies. And I’d want Cary Grant to have donated the sperm, cuz he was hot and debonair – two things I’ve never been.

Something your parents did that you have never forgiven:
Carried through with the pregnancy…

A trait you do not share with your siblings:
I am the only person in my family who truly cherishes education.

Your least favorite relative:
I despise them all for little reasons, but I don’t hate any of them, really. I just don’t want any of them near me, except my sister Lisa.


FRIENDS:
Four traits you look for in a friend:
An open wallet, lack of backbone, a funny face when they cry, and the ability to heal quickly.

The friend you have known for the longest time:
Suzanne Priest, for 27 years.

The friend you miss the most:
Susan Maroldo

A friend who makes you laugh:
David or Satan...I have trouble telling them apart, too...

A friend who you can tell anything:
David.

A friend you can go to for advice:
David.

A friend you can flirt with:
Jamie

A friend you should not flirt with as much as you do:
Joshie, but I kinda can't help it

A friend you should not have kissed:
Satan – wow, was that a mistake!

A friend you may lose soon:
It’ll be to death because of bad health, but I’ve decided to keep this person nameless.

An acquaintance you would like to make a friend:
Someone rich. Who has the most money?

A friend who has betrayed you:
Oh, let’s not rehash over this, since he went to jail for it…

A friend to whom you have something important to say, but have not yet had the courage:
The one that's gonna die soon...