Ramblin', Man!

This is going to read like a Jimmy Crescitelli article, I think:

I'm clear down at Lockheed today, wearing a light tan shirt...

AND I JUST CHOKED AND BLEW DARK COFFEE ALL OVER MYSELF!!!!!!!!!

Well, let's see:
~I have a Nightmare Before XMas TShirt on underneath, so that's inappropriate for this place
~I took my sweater I always keep here home to get it dry-cleaned
~Home is 12 miles away through the worst traffic in Orlando...

DAMN! And I am NOT sitting here all day with coffee spots all over my front...Grrrrrrrrrrrr!

And I have a dinner meeting tonight, so I don’t want to stay late to catch up on the work I’m missing

So, here’s the rule. I’m hiding out in my office, and the first person who makes a comment, I leave for the rest for the day! Fair? Fair!

I already always feel like an uncoordinated, geeky slob; I do not need these stains to confirm it for everyone.

I am very jealous of David getting to spend time with John Bateman. John, honestly, is charming and very intelligent. He’s the type of person who makes me feel more classy just being around him. He’s also probably a bit mischievous, and if he has any serious mess in his life (and somehow I don’t suspect that his life is a Hallmark card), he’s wonderful at keeping it controlled with that very attractive, engaging charm of his.

I am going to the Menullo Folk Festival this weekend, mainly because it’s free, and secretly I am SUCH a lesbian for the folk music. I plan to bring a blanket and a cooler and sit on the lawn pretending I am topless and burning my bra to bluegrass music. Good times!

The thing I CAN do without is the shitty “folk art” made with trashy crap like ...I don't know...a mounted fish, hundreds of buttons, and a glue gun. The idea is neat, but the EXECUTION of most of this work sucks!!!! You mean to tell me that just because these people aren’t trained artists, they cannot take a little extra time making sure their art doesn’t look like total crap – like a craft fair reject or a piece of shit even The Island of Lost Toys would cast out of their midst? It seems the curator feels that “extra-crappy” is an admirable quality in folk art. Blegh!

Seeing Stripped on Saturday night. I really really really hate documentary theatre…it’s too static and early-1970’s. But I’ll be there to support Sarah French, whom I love so much, I get a little teary when I think about it.

On my off-Fridays, Sarah and I hang out with each other. Last Friday, we ran around trying to find her mail – it was pretty sitcom-y in that we had to go to that Post Office behind the East Colonial Target. I warned her that the place was dire. We got there, and she immediately started laughing at how stark and creepy the place is. Basically people, it’s a glass door leading to a small white lobby WITH ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN IT. White linoleum floors, white walls, and a very industrial blue door with a window cut into it. By the door is a small doorbell you ring, and then some guy throws open the little window to help you.

Well, inside the door is a VERY large industrial space which Sarah and I immediately started imagining huge musical numbers in (think 60s Motown). Choreography and all!

And then as we were agreeing that this creepy little lobby would be a horrible place to get raped in (is there a good place to get raped?), this creepy guy came in and stood, like, four inches from Sarah’s back.

And we just laughed out loud!

AND CREEPY GUY DID NOT MOVE!!!

So, then we went to lunch at Pei Wei (ran into Heather Leonardi, who had a cold...) and then picked up my TV at the repair shop. Gah, the repair shop guy was chatty and pleasant and a little cloying. I think it’s because Sarah is so cute…

Then we went next door to the repair shop and got snow cones. She got strawberry lemonade, I think. And I got wedding cake.

Then we went into Park Ave CDs and I bought Sarah and me each a plastic Dunny 2-Faced toy.

Sarah said she loved our Fridays together.

I said, “Well, they’re certainly not marred by anything like intelligence or maturity or responsibility. "

And we laughed.

Cuz it’s true.

And then I drove her down to pick up her BRAND NEW CAR!!! (read that like Rod Roddy on The Price is Right). It’s a charming little silver Ford Fuckus…Focus.

OK, THE STORY OF THE CREEPY JANITOR AT WORK

He’s at my main client’s. He has a Fu-Manchu moustache. He looks all over like a young, Mexican Roy Scheider. He has very very spooky blue eyes with pink rims.

He flirts with me.

I cannot remember being this creeped out by anyone for a very long time! He makes me never want to flirt with anyone ever again, and I used to LOVE flirting.

He winks and whistles around me. He sashays. He’s even dusted some cat hair off of me once, before I could stop him from touching me.

Last night, I am trying to use the very last bathroom on my way out of work. He is emptying the trash. He sees me coming and slides into this bathroom before me and sidles up to the MIDDLE urinal (guys, you know this rule and he is SO breaking it!).

I’m thinking, “Well, I’ll just take a stall then, securely lock the door, and maybe he’ll get the clear image I am not interested.”

Well, I’m in the stall waiting and praying for him to leave, and he does, but not without saying “Bye.”

“Bye”???

To me through the stall door?????!?!?!?!?

JESUS GAWD!!! THAT’S FUCKING CREEPY!

He came in to empty my trash and clean my office today, and I tried to be overly loud and business-like, started a conversation with my assistant…

I mean, my skin crawls. I see his as a person covered with a thin film of grease from a truck stop restaurant grill…that’s how oogie I feel around him.

Please, people, tell me I don’t creep anyone out like this, or I’d have to kill myself!

Oh, and on Monday, I went to Rollins and heard a lecture from artist Gary Baseman:
www.garybaseman.com
Tuesday, I went to Uberbot and he signed and drew a picture for me on the inside of a book. Nice guy, fun to talk to. My kind of sick, infantile but charming art.


Mrs. Carrot, you cat-lover you, DO NOT go this this web site - it's gross and upsetting (but funny) at a level I myself can barely stand. I think it'd just hurt you too much:
http://www.amystaxidermy.com/pages/cats.htm

I love how the author says, "I hope I do not offend anyone with these pictures."

WHAT!!! This is sick on so many levels, how can you NOT offend people!!! I mean, I am offended. Me! Mr. Gross-Out! And I'm laughing my ass off at yer dumb assedness. That you would hope not to offend us by posting pictures of what you and your equally sick father have been doing!?!?!

This is so gross and hilarious, it makes my fillings hurt.


Oh, and my neighbor and two of her friends were doing something mildly illegal with her doors open the other night. And the police showed up!!!

Not for that, but because Isaac, the guy who used to live there a couple of years ago, has a warrant out for his arrest.

...nifty...

When Isaac lived there, he stole my rake for a coupla months, left it on his roof...that was annoying.

Otherwise, Isaac was always a sweet guy to me, but I'm sure he could get a warrant out for him for either drug use or not paying child support. Just guessing.

My neighbor's lucky she didn't get nailed. If I were her, I'd lay off for a while...ifyaknowhatimean.


FINALLY:

Found out that they have a shirt in my size I can wear today. It's a little wrinkled... I'll put up with wrinkled, but not food-spotted!

Have I rambled enough? Wow, I haven’t done something like this in a long time.