Alphabet Stupe

[A is for age:]
Mentally, 4

[B is for booze of choice:]
Rubbing alcohol that’s been pre-used by some anonymous medical establishment.

[C is for career:]
Just below my caback and above my calegs

[D is for your dog's name:]
Phlebitis

[E is for essential items to bring to a party:]
An end, or we’d never stop partying, and then we’d get bored with parties, and then we’d have nothing like parties in our lives to lift our low spirits…

[F is for favorite song at the moment:]
The one that creepy minister sings in Poltergeist II – damn, that song is catchy!

[G is for favorite game:]
Computer-based Identity Theft

[H is for hometown:]
Shitbox, Iowa

[I is for instruments you play:]
Skinflute

[J is for jam or jelly you like:]
KY

[K is for kids?]
It’s also “K for kill”

[L is for last kiss]
I kissed God in my dreams last night...

[M is for mother's job:]
THIS IS A GROSS QUESTION!!! HOW WOULD I KNOW???? ASK MY DAD!?!?! Ewww. I mean, he never complained…

[N is for name of your crush:]
I have this thing for the Grim Reaper right now…

[O is for overnight hospital stays:]
I keep trying, but they have a restraining order against me now…

[P is for phobias:]
No, thanks, I have enough as it is…

[Q is for quotes you like:]
“True insanity is like public drunkenness – if you’re really far gone, you don’t really bother yourself as much as you do other people.” Joe Orton

[R is for relationship that lasted the longest]:
Well, until he moved on to better people, my invisible friend and I were together for years.

[S is for songs you like to sing at the holidays]:
“Uncle Fucker.”

[T is for time you wake up:]
ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[U is for underwear:]
Captain Kangaroo Underoos

[V is for vegetable you love:]
I thought that guy on Life Goes On was good, but I’d have to say Christopher Reeves was my absolute favorite.

[W is for worst habit:]
Internet quizzes.

[X is for x-rays you've had:]
Currently, I am having my entire skin replaced with a plastic polymer, so I can forego them in the future.

[Y is for yummy food you make:]
Dinner reservations

[Z is for zodiac sign:]
The one for assholes.