Me with an Act to Grind

LAST SHOW ADDED TO YOUR RESUME:
I did a one-woman version of The Caine Mutiny Court Marshall Mathers EP.

LAST SHOW YOU AUDITIONED FOR:
I don’t audition!

DID YOU GET IT:
I don’t get this question.

LAST SONG YOU USED AT AN AUDITION:
“There Better Be a Late-Model Big-Ass Trailer with My Gold Star on It Parked 10 Feet from the Fucking Stage Door” by Me.

FAVORITE THEATRE (VENUE):
Epidarus was great 2600 years ago – back then, before bug zappers, I loved outdoor venues…

FAVORITE MUSICAL:
OK, I won’t joke with this one:
Assassins
The Light in the Piazza
Violet
Pacific Overtures
A Little Night Music

FAVORITE PLAY:
Top 5 today:
Seascape
Curse of the Starving Class
Evening Standard
Mr. Marmalade
Copenhagen

FAVORITE ROLE AND FROM WHAT SHOW?:
Lady Bracknell in Alien 6: The Musical

SUPERSTITION:
I only have one: if there has to be jelly onstage, it can’t be grape.

LAST PART YOU PLAYED IN A SHOW:
Gandhi in Boogie Nights 2: Boogie in Bolly-Wood

FIRST PROFESSIONAL JOB:
Ummm, I played the oven in ‘night Mother

YOUR GOAL IN SHOW BUSINESS:
To find a cure for Parkinson’s

FAVORITE DIRECTOR:
Hitler?,… Oh, “director”… I read “dictator”

WHAT WAS YOUR VERY FIRST SHOW?:
When I was still in the womb I played the lead in Passion of the Christ, replete with crucifixion. One of the most daring productions I’ve ever been in to this day!

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A DANCE SOLO?:
Only in pornos

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A SINGING SOLO?:
Yes, but I was playing a deaf/mute so it wasn’t that hard

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN THE LAST PERSON TO TAKE A BOW?
I’ve been the last person to wake up and leave the theatre.

NAME A SHOW YOU'VE DONE MORE THAN TWO TIMES:
I’ve done ‘night, Mother in 108 productions

HAVE YOU BEEN TO NEW YORK?:
Why, what am I being accused of there?

HAVE YOU BEEN TO LA?:
See above answer

WHAT'S THE SCARIEST PART OF AN AUDITION?:
The carpet

WHAT'S THE BEST PART OF AN AUDITION?:
The casting couch

NAME A SHOW YOU WOULD NEVER DO AGAIN:
Poke-A-Hot Ass! Couldn’t walk for weeks, damn Jeff Stryker, Ken Ryker, and the director who thought they should tag-team my poor, overstretched manmeat glove of love!

NAME A SHOW YOU COULD DO FOR YEARS:
Actually….(whispers) Poke-A-Hot-Ass

NAME A SHOW YOU WOULD LOVE TO DO BUT HAVE NEVER BEEN IN:
A dog food commercial

NAME A PERSON YOU'D LIKE TO WORK WITH AGAIN:
Shelley Winters

WHAT ARE YOU AUDITIONING FOR NEXT?
A children’s special on STDs

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN PERFORMING?:
Since I was an egg in my mom’s ovary

DO YOU CARRY YOUR HEADSHOTS AROUND WITH YOU?
I have a mask made from my head shot, actually, that I wear 24/7

DO YOU KEEP IN TOUCH WITH PAST CAST MEMBERS?:
Absolutely not, none of them were good lays

ON A SCALE OF 1-10, HOW IMPORTANT IS GETTING PAID?:
15.7

WHAT IS YOUR MOST MEMORABLE PERFORMANCE?:
Sadly, this quiz

SOMETHING EMBARRASSING OR UNEXPECTED THAT HAPPENED TO YOU WHILE ON STAGE?:
Incontinence, that’s all I’ll say

WHO IS THE MOST DIFFICULT PERSON (ON STAGE OR OFF) THAT YOU HAVE EVER WORKED WITH?:
Me.

EVER BEEN NAKED ON STAGE?:
Every night, emotionally (sigh)

WHO OR WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST INSPIRATION OR INFLUENCE?:
Me.

BEST PROFESSIONAL SHOW(S) YOU'VE SEEN:
Mine.

BEST COLLEGE SHOW(S) YOU'VE SEEN:
Mine

BEST COMMUNITY SHOW(S):
Mine

BEST HIGH SCHOOL SHOW(S) YOU'VE SEEN:
Mine

ONSTAGE, HAVE YOU EVER...
BEEN KILLED?:
Only by the script

BEEN DRUNK?:
Only because of the script

PLAYED SOMEONE HALF YOUR AGE?:
Only because I wasn’t happy with the script

PLAYED SOMEONE TWICE YOUR AGE?:
I once fucked a woman seven times my age, because she was a producer and I wanted the script changed

CRIED?:
After the old woman producer said I was a lousy lay.

FIRED A GUN?:
At the playwright

DRIVEN A CAR?:
At the playwright

BEEN DRENCHED?:
Only by flop-sweat

BEEN IN A DREAM SEQUENCE?:
Only when I am phoning it in to get through the sucky script

BEEN KISSED?:
Just my ass

IF YOU WERE ON BROADWAY RIGHT NOW, WHAT SHOW WOULD YOU WANT TO BE IN AND WHAT ROLE WOULD YOU PLAY?
I’d play the dirty thieving Jew in that Shakespeare play