Are We There Yet!?!?!?

One of the greatest frustrations of my job is that many people I run into daily don’t see classes and mentoring and feedback as pertinent to their careers. They are so concentrated on the tasks that are currently on their plates – what’s immediately in front of them -- that they see having to participate in development activities as extraneous. They take a “check-the-box,” get-it-done mentality.

The bad thing is that these employees’ management has been NO help. They tell their people, basically, “Take two classes; I don’t care which ones they are, just take two before the end of the year!”

Yeah, these people are going to learn a lot…

It’s “fun” having them in class!

Or the management says, “Get into a mentoring partnership NOW!”

…great…

The other thing that didn’t help is that we have in the past offered a recognition ceremony with a plaque and a nice padfolio for completion of a course in each of the six imperative areas we were concentrating on. People saw this as the Holy Grail, the finish line, and they took a horse race approach to getting their classes done. They’d cram in all six classes in three months, not learn a fucking thing, and then bug me constantly:
“Where’s my plaque!
Where’s my plaque!
Where’s my plaque!
Where’s my plaque!
Where’s my plaque!”

Well, now that we’re moving to a new corporate-wide program, we suggested to corporate that there be no “end” – that the program concentrates on NEEDED development and CONTINUOUS learning instead of some Amazing Race-like mindset.

Well, this morning at a meeting we were told that to tell our company president that some people took this mentality and that some managers saw employee development as a check-the-box activity would piss him off. That we were basically taking a dump in his sandbox (since this program was his “baby.”)

Well, fuck that! I understand politics and giving the news with a spoonful of sugar. But where does “paying attention to politics” morph into “being dishonest” or “outright lying.” This HAS been a problem with the past program, and if we do not address it, it WILL BE a problem with the future program. It will be a hindrance to its success!

I don’t understand how we cannot apparently communicate this in a sensitive way that won’t get the president’s poor widdle feelings hurt SO WE CAN AVOID IT IN THE FUTURE.

So, I know my battle this next six weeks is trying to push people to be honest about flaws in the past program despite the fact that you might inadvertently and unintentionally bruise our company president’s apparently uber-sensitive self esteem!

See, this is how corporate dishonesty starts. It starts by someone calling less-than-honest communication “being politically savvy!”

And to me, honesty trumps politics.

Not that I don’t understand that honesty can be delivered in a sensitive way instead of with a sledgehammer. But certainly, to NOT communicate something because it might put our $4-million-a-year president’s Underoos in a bind is bullshit! It’s dishonest and unethical!

I want us to get to the point where our classes as well as mentoring, career coaching, career planning, and good management help employees stay engaged and happy and fulfilled. It’s a fact that the average American spends 70% of their adult waking life at work, going to and from work, thinking about work, ortalking about work with their friends and family.

70%!!!

That means, kids, that if you ain’t doing something that you can look back on with pride and a sense of fulfillment, you are basically wasting the largest portion of your life!

I know this is harsh – and hard to swallow, but I believe this with every fiber of my being.

Still, I cannot make others change. There has to be some motivation on their part. They have to come to what we offer with a want to change and the belief they can. Sometimes I start to doubt that anything but a life-and-death challenge ever gets anyone to really change. Like they have to have a figurative gun pointed at their heads.

But we’re certainly not going to get there doing it the way we’ve always done it.

Are you happy with your life? I am relatively happy, but I admit, it could be better. And only I can make those changes.

It’s like the old saying: “If you want the exact, same results you’ve gotten for your entire life, keep doing things the way you’ve been doing them.”

Of course, me personally, I’ve been trying to find that figurative gun to point at my own head. Trying to drive myself to the point that I know I have to change. But at least I’m looking for the gun, ya know? I want to change, just not enough yet, or enough hope that I can actually do it isn’t there yet, or something…

First, it takes honesty, and even an understanding that my own sensitive esteem probably needs a little beating up, too.

…fun…

I'm Tired, I'm Poor, I'm a Huddle Mass!

(The title is my bow to the ongoing immigration debate, because it somewhat has to do with my theme.)

This is my thought pattern today:

How often could I have enjoyed something much more if I weren’t tired or hungry?

It’s like watching a great film while your bladder’s full. You cannot totally sink yourself into the experience, because you have to pee. And you struggle not to miss a moment of the movie, but you are of two mind: one saying “this is brilliant” and the other saying “any moment, my bladder’s going to explode and release deadly toxins throughout my lower intestines!”

Last night I was this way.

When we got into the space for technical rehearsal for our play, it was ABUNDANTLY CLEAR that this was NOT how we were originally told it would be. Okay…adjust, adjust, this is the Fringe, so a lot of this is about adjustment. I admit, though, it does take a small moment for you to get past “WHAT THE FUCK” and get to “what are we going to do about it?”

I even said to Larry, “I’m not panicking, I’m just thinking. Adjusting.”

Then, we had to go through technical rehearsal, and any theatre person will tell you, that’s always a bit of hell. Though, this one ranks among the least painful, it’s still a “prostate exam” – no matter how professionally it’s done, you still don’t enjoy it (unless you’re a sicko!)

Our tech is very good, though, Jeanmarie Something-or-other.

And we got two run-throughs.

But on that second run-through, after putting in a whole day at work and then one whole tech run-through after we realized we were going to have to adjust ALL of our entrances and exits, I was TIRED!

Still, I did do one thing funny, which I think will stay in the show.

However, that one small bit of humor aside, when David hosed up his lines, I KNEW it was his fault, but I SWEEAR I could not remember what he was supposed to say (which, I guess, makes two of us!) And Larry was right, I just said on stage “I swear it’s YOUR line, David, “ and then went on with the next line I could remember.

To which Larry replied later, “Yeah, way to help each other out up there…”

And I was noticing while doing a scene with Joshie that I should be enjoying this more, but I was too tired! The cool thing is that Morgan Gaskin sat in and laughed at a few of our bits and Jeanmarie also laughed both times at the same bit in one of Marcie’s monologues.

So!

So to rectify this, I arranged to take even more time off from work so I would never be tired onstage.

Whoo-hoo.

All a part of my plan to maintain my high enjoyment levels!

There is a Balm...

I’ve been rereading Marilynne Robinson’s Gilead, because it’s such a poetic, elegant book. It won the Pulitzer in 2005. This is a little quote about the book in a 2005 USA Today article:

“Gilead is written in the form of a letter the Rev. John Ames, in failing health, is writing to his 6-year-old son in 1956. It deals with the minister's life and the lives of his father and grandfather, both of them preachers. One is a pacifist, the other is a gun-toting abolitionist.

Robinson, who teaches at the Iowa Writers' Workshop in Iowa City, says the novel reflects her belief that ‘America is quite a religious country, but it's the extremes that have taken over the public discussion. I think many people have a different experience and understanding.’”

It’s a beautiful book, but it’s also a difficult read. There are no chapters, just line breaks between when the narrator puts down and later picks up his pen. The book is very internal, as if we are reading the minister’s thoughts. Reverend John Ames is a very humble, very wise man, and as a character, his intellectual and spiritual struggles are downright heartbreaking.

Still it’s not a book I’d suggest to David; because it does require a bit of patience and focus to really enjoy. It takes a lot of energy. Also, i think it's dangerous and presumptious to ever suggest a book that deals with religious subjects.

However, the main character, Reverend John Ames reminds me of my “grandma” Lorena, whose humility was inspirational. (We weren’t blood-related, but she lived across the street from us; she was my mom’s mom’s best friend, and when Grandma Alberta died, Lorena wasted no time in making herself available to feed us, sew clothes for us, throw birthday parties, teach us piano, and basically educate us in a spirituality and civility I still struggle to achieve today.) I wish my friends could see how strongly Lorena thought of things; when she did this, you could sense it in her posture and her face. She’d pray this way, too.

She never had to yell at you; she had a way of looking disappointed that would break your heart and make you step in line immediately.

And even when I turned from being this quiet, depressed boy who used to physically hide from people into this loud, unruly homosexual who’d never let anyone step on him, she still loved me with a fierceness and loyalty that my own family could never seem to muster for me.

Anyway, in Gilead, John Ames says, “And often times, we believe we are protecting ourselves, when in truth we are actually struggling against our rescuer.”

It reminds me of a couple of lines I once wrote:

HARRIS: But, I want to save you from all that!

PEARL: (Laughing, not entirely scornful) Oh, honey. I’ve drowned many a lifeguard who was only trying to save me.

Saving.

It also makes me think – where might I be avoiding my rescue wrongly thinking that I am defending myself, protecting my self. I know I have in the past done this, drowned the lifeguard, so to speak.

It seems to me that, if I am ever actually capable of saving another person (and I’m not sure my personality has that ability, but I hope very much that it does), it’s because – like Lorena was for me – I am there for that person. I am – despite whatever happens between us – there for that person. We may disagree, but I am loyal in my way, and that makes it work. I don’t believe in “knight-in-shining-armor” thinking. And if someone saw me that way, I know that a failing of my character is that that sort of dependency would scare me away.

I hope that there is something within my personality that actually makes it just “work” that I am able to help someone else. That somehow we recognize the strength of our characters, because together they work. Like Lorena’s quiet and concentration worked to calm my internalized panic down and help me find my own voice. I hope that I can have enough humility to be gracious and thoughtful like Lorena.

I love when a single line in a book can make you want to be a better person.

I’m not talking about “love” or a long-term relationship or anything (I’m thinking that’ll never be in my cards.) I have just been craving the ability to make a difference in someone’s life, like Lorena did in mine. I suppose it’s because I’ve been missing her so much that I long to have her concentration and humility and patience, that I long to know that something from her was passed to me, that I can show how she made me a better person, that I can prove this!

Anyway, this isn’t a chuckle-fest post, but it’s where I am now. I am not depressed, just full of thinking and wanting to be better, and that want – that hope – actually even as I miss Lorena – that hope kinda feels good. Because I believe I can be a better person, and I believe I was given an excellent example to live up to, and not everyone has that opportunity in this life.

I also believe other things:

- That when Marcie and I wear matching shirts, that just proved we are spiritually connected. And that her wary, confused looks aren’t real, but are done for comic effect to make me smile (Hi, Marcie!)
- That David will always be one of my best friends.
- That it’s important for me to realize how much I am enjoying everything about Orlando Vigilante now – the people, the rehearsals – and that I need to keep reminding myself that I kinda feel blessed.
- How cool is Merrilee Stallings – I am so glad I’ve gotten this opportunity to better know her.
- That Joshie is going to steal the show at points, no question. And it’s a joy to watch it happen (while staying in character…STAY IN CHARACTER, STEVE!!!)
- That it’s okay to cry if a perfectly blue sky on a perfect day makes you feel that way.

I’m in a good place, I guess. Reflective, with a little grieving thrown in, but in large part, a good place.

Terrorism is Bad

This weekend…well, I didn’t clean my house as much as I thought I should, but I did make a dent.

Sarah and I went shopping at Cheap Charlie’s – which was scary. (It’s the place for all the repossessed crap from poor people who died.) We also went to Tuesday Morning and smelled the bad candles again. People, the official name of that candle that smells like a drunk frat boy puked on a radiator? Chesapeake Bay Peanut Butter Cookie. We decided the smell was making me nostalgic for college days…

Another product smelled, according to Sarah, like “Noxema and poverty.” And I found a candle that smells distinctly like apricots that someone tinkled on a little. Good times…

We went to Design on a Dime. Ehhh…feh… Nice stuff, though, and good prices – I am just not sure what my current need is.

We also went to Park Avenue CDs, and then we went and got snow cones at the shop down the way. I got blueberry with cream, and Sarah got Sweet Tart. (My problem is that my poo was blue or blue-ish green from Saturday afternoon until Sunday morning, which was disturbing. Hi, Jeff Lindberg!)

Rehearsal is good. Working with Joshie is so much fun; it feels kind of wonderfully unpredictable, because I figure either one of us can throw a curveball up there. That boy’s got a squirrelly look in his eyes! Marcie did something at the end that I tried correcting, although she and David ended up doing something very funny. (This falls in the “keep your damn mouth shut, Steve” category…)

I’m a gonna say it here; I never thought I’d be in a play where the person farthest behind in line-learnin’ is David Almeida! What the?!?!?!

I still hope that the fun I’ve had – that we’ve had – really comes across on stage.

Saturday, I went with Cathy Thompson yard-saling. I got forty dollars worth of Pyrex for $10. I also got an annoying little kids electronic keyboard for a dollar – (YAY, things that make noise!!!!) Then, we picked up John and went to Crack-ass Barrel for a HUGE UNHEALTHY lunch.

Then, Sarah and I saw United 93, which was nerve-wracking. I thought I would be more emotional, but instead the main feeling I had was DREAD. It was a TENSE movie, lovely, and well-acted with hand-held cameras and a strong cinema verite style. Small complaint – the music was downright manipulative at points; I think silence and live sound would have been more effective, but perhaps a little too real. Then it would have been REALLY REALLY REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE, instead of just REALLLY REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE.

It was a cinema version of a good pelvic exam – the fact that it is very necessary and professionally executed doesn’t erase that fact that it’s still damn uncomfortable.

It also cannot help but remind us all of where we were when we got the news.

Then we went to The Cheesecake Factory for a long meal and long conversations. Mostly, we talked about how stupid I can be; how I am glad that forgiveness is possible or I’d have no friends. Part of me wants to always have thick skin, so that I am never as self-hating and self-conscious as I was before I left home. Anther part of me realizes this thick skin and “plow-on, BULLDOZER” mentality means I do a lot of asshole things. So, it’s important to be intrepid while being there for others. I have to remind myself that I love them and can just keep my big effing mouth shut.

I’m starting to feel sad at Sarah leaving. I’m steeling myself up for it, really. I just feel we sorta clicked, and without her, I wouldn’t have met Joshie, Jeff Lindberg, and lots of other wonderful people.

The thing is – gaps. They’re these things in your life that feel empty, and I can already tell that there’s going to be one. You can’t really fill them, but God knows I’ll need lots of distraction to call my attention away from it. It IS a gap, because if you get too caught up, you “fall in” and be depressed for a very long time.

We also had a long talk about distance; what it feels like when it starts happening between you and anther person, what you can do, and how you decide. Sometimes, you decide to not do anything, and the distance just grows. Sometimes (like with David) there are always these small distances (his rejoining Sleuths and never having a night free, us not sitting in the same car as much any more) that I’ve always admired him correcting. He’s very good at it (like our trip tot the coast last weekend, which was lovely.)

Cathy said that I was replacing her with Sarah and Dahly, sort of as a joke. Wow, I felt that she necessarily had to replace me a bit with her fiancé, John. Necessary evil. We did some stuff this weekend.

The thing is, distance and change are hard to tell apart. Everything has to change, and sometimes it feels like distance. I figure Cathy and my relationship will change as she moves out and she and John get married. But we’ll survive. I take a lesson in self-correction from David and make sure.

Sarah goes out to LA, and I’ll grieve a little. But I’ll visit her, we’ll talk on the phone, she’ll visit (maybe even stay) and I’ll find other things to distract me.

Even thought I only see my college professor Susan once every couple of years, we are still close, talking on the phone quite regularly. Our relationship has changed, and we’re a different kind of close.

A Different Kind of Close. Distance. Maybe there’s a play in there.

So…

Sunday morning I did several loads of laundry and a little cleaning, and Cathy and I went to Ba Le for lunch. Then, David, Sarah, and I met to go see Mission Impossible III, which was stupid and brainless, and I should have liked it, but now I’m getting bored with the corny premise and the moments of supposedly-deep-felt BAD acting that makes up these films. Sarah and David liked it more.

Then, Sarah and I went grocery shopping and then back to my place to clean and wash our cars. Then, we went back to Ba Le for dinner, forgot to pay, and as we’re about four blocks from my home I shout “WE DID’T PAY!” (like Bruce McCullough screaming “SOMEONE STOLE MY PEN!” in that bad Kids in the Hall skit). So, I made Sarah turn around, and we went back.

I am SO glad I realized then instead of at 11:30 at night, where I would have stayed up half the night worrying about what sort of karma this was giving me. Then, I would have had to call into work, and then wait for the place top open up at 9am so I could pay (and hope there weren’t cops there to arrest me!) My Catholic guilt is something extreme!

We laughed about it, though.

Thank God they were still open!