I'm Woefully behind here - here are two posts crammed together

I don't think anyone reads this one anyway.

Here's my fake wikipedia entry.

Stephen Jerome Miller (b. August 26, 1969) is an American consultant, playwright, and pathological mountebank. He is best known for his unsolicited opinion and his mixture of intellectual snobbery and inappropriately puerile behavior. Movie critic David Almeida once observed, “He is like Sophia Petrillo [of the television show The Golden Girls], whatever he thinks, comes out of his mouth.”

Early Life
Stephen Miller was born to James “Jimbo” Richard Miller and Ruth Evigan Roberts Miller in Creston, Iowa. His family being of Irish Catholic origin, Stephen was one of 118 kids, most of whom were given up to scientific experimentation or chopped up into livestock feed. This left a core of seven children. Commenting on Stephen as a son, his father Jimbo later regretted possibly “killing one of the good ones leaving me with this one for a son.”

Stephen’s father was a Mechanical X-Ray Technician with Wellman Dynamic, a drunk, and a professional child abuser. Stephen’s mother was mostly a housewife, having retired from school teaching and piano lessons when she had her first dozen children and acquired a drug problem compounded with copious chasers of whatever alcohol she could get her hands on.

When Stephen was eight, his mother died of creative medication, leaving his father to marry one of his seventeen mistresses. Jimbo Miller came to marry Wynette Wiona Hurd McFee Shinkle Shinkle (she’d previously married the same loser twice). For this, Jimbo was excommunicated from the Catholic Church. Wynette (“Nette” – pronounced “Nettie” but emphatically NOT spelled that way) had a love of Halloween, a hatred of organized religion, and a mental problem later diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenia. Also, she drank – a lot. She had many careers as a stripper, pet-store owner, prostitute, pot dealer, and welfare mother, but spent her marriage with Jimbo being a slave-driver and torturer of his seven children and her previous four children from her three other marriages to two other guys.

Of his relationship with his step-mother, Stephen commented, “She had a loathing of me so intense; it would make the surface of the sun seem like a warm towel.”

Of child-rearing, Nette Miller often stated, “I fucking hate children; I only keep you around for the extra government cheese!”

Early careers including a paper route in Iowa winters, cleaning up hair from beauty salon floors, janitorial work, and a particularly nightmarish stint at the local gummi bear factory.

Because of his rough childhood, Stephen experimented with several degenerate and depraved activities, including underage sex, theft, drug use, drinking, homosexuality, masturbation, suicide attempts, and community theatre. Finally, Stephen followed in the footsteps of his seven older siblings and step-siblings and ran away from home at fourteen. Unlike the other children, however, Stephen made sure his dad broke a couple bones before Stephen turned Jimbo and Nette into the state. Stephen spent the rest of his years in Creston under the care of John and Ann Coulter, two of the best foster parents in the world.

Through it all, Stephen maintained excellent grades, as well as the ability to bullshit teachers and garner undeserved pity from the entire town. He graduated from Creston High School in the top 4% of his class. During this time, Stephen wrote his first two plays – Another One of Those Days and Say “Go!” – both of which will never see the light of day. He was also in Inherit the Wind, Cinderella, Harvey, Calamity Jane and many other community theatre/Midwestern high school productions (read: “substandard”).

College Life
Stephen attended and graduated the tiny, miniscule Graceland College (now Graceland University) in Lamoni, Iowa (a college sponsored by a religion whose primary tenant is “spoil your children rotten.”) He earned bachelor’s degrees in communications and theatre.

At college, Stephen furthered his experimentations with inappropriate sex, drugs, and alcohol (having given up the habit of suicide for the much easier and stylish, occasional malaise.) While in college, Stephen traveled the US and Europe, settling for internships in Nauvoo, Illinois; Kirtland, Ohio; Des Moines, Iowa; and Venice, Italy. Because of his travel and because of partially paying for college through several performance grants (theatre, music, and speech), Stephen took five years and 218 credits to graduate.

During his undergraduate time, Stephen bullshat his way through coursework while writing several plays – including Dog on a Treadmill, A Midwestern Shoah, Heirlooms (the one-act version), Emma’s Point, and Interview with the Author at Home. A Midwestern Shoah received a Mid-America Collegiate Arts Recognition, and in 1993, Stephen was given the David T. Morgan Writing Award. Stephen’s best writing of this period was created under the influence of mushrooms he found in wet cow dung in fields behind an abandoned Hungarian immigrant cemetery.

Of his academic career, Drama Professor Gary Heisserrer stated, “What, are you still here?!?!”

His Music Professor, Thomas Hart, refused to comment. Instead, he turned a deep shade of scarlet and threw his baton several times.

Another unnamed college professor, asked, “Can you still score me some of them ‘shrooms?”

Several unnamed fellow college students – both men and women – commented, “Surprisingly good lay if you got him stoned first.”

Early Career
After graduating, Stephen promptly left Iowa and its shitty winters to move to Orlando, Florida, where he spent the first two months sleeping on some lesbian couple’s enclosed porch (called a “Florida Room”). During his first 15 months in Orlando, Stephen got fired or quit five jobs.

The lesbians he lived with and many of his old bosses had the same comment about Stephen: “GET OUT!!!”

Stephen’s most frustrating job was as a speech therapist for severely handicapped people; he quit when he found out that none of the clients ever really learned anything, and he was just there to fulfill a state requirement that a speech therapist be on hand. He lied to the handicapped people – saying he would visit them often – before he left forever (this lie still haunts him to this day.)

None of Stephen’s clients were able to comment for this biography, which shows what a good job he did as a speech therapist.

Finally, completely humiliated and hopeless, Stephen quit taking drugs and accepted a job as a Kelly Girl for Lockheed Martin. It took two weeks to get noticed and bumped up to a more lucrative contract position. It took another 2 years under the most misguided, unskilled boss Stephen’s ever known to be hired on full-time into a job he pretty much-well hated supervising several people who also hated their work. For some reason, Stephen and his staff of four were able to shape the job a bit, so Stephen got more time teaching and building instructions and new programs in new employee orientation, training and certification, and job skills. Also, he was wildly popular with his employees.

One-time employee Susan Lobb states of Stephen as a supervisor: “Well, we loved him then, but we sure hate his fucking guts now. If I met him on the street today, I’d beat him with a pillowcase of old doorknobs!”

Medical Trouble and Emerging Writings
Stephen was diagnosed with cancer of the nose and throat in April 1996. The doctors were very scared and did surgery and chemo at the same time, leaving Stephen sick for weeks. Stephen went to a support group for help, where he met other cancer strugglers and promptly realized he was being a whiny baby and left deeply ashamed and embarrassed. Stephen has had a couple scares, but no recurrence from the initial cancer.

When asked about Stephen, his fellow support group people all laughed and chanted, “What a pussy! What a pussy! What a pussy!” repeatedly.

Asked at the time about Stephen’s brush with death, his best friend Cathy Thompson paused and then replied, “When people hear Stephen might die, they have very strong, emotional reactions.” Then, she went back to making more streamers and blowing up a few more balloons.

Stephen was in two serious car accidents – one in 1994 and one in 1997, both of which damaged his right shoulder. In 1998, his injuries were further exacerbated when Stephen fell changing a light bulb in his small bathroom and hit his shoulder on the toilet on the way down. Stephen put off shoulder surgery until 2003, and now regrets living that long with the pain, since the operation was a cake walk.

His shoulder doctor repeated what the cancer people said earlier of Stephen: “What a pussy!”

From 1993 to 1997, Stephen’s play A Midwestern Shoah was performed several times all over, and Dog on a Treadmill was performed in Iowa, Ohio, and Texas. His one-act version of Heirlooms was also performed in Hampstead Heath, England and Toronto, Canada, to reviews of soft and middling praise. He also performed in The Boys Next Door, Assassins (the first time), You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown, and the opera La Giaconda (which – after 7 months of vocal training – made him realize he sucked as a singer, though the reviewers were either totally deaf or exceedingly kind.)

Stephen’s vocal teacher, Chris Fecteau, said of Stephen’s talent, “Just the mention of his name makes my eardrums bleed.”

Other performances include a modern-dance-and-movement adaptation of Moby Dick which got rave reviews (this is not BS – Orlando Sentinel reviewer Roger Moore said, “You can practically smell the brine.” And the headline said “Theatre Downtown Nails this Whale Tale.”) Finally, he was in a couple one-acts written by James Best (best known as the caricature of Sherriff Roscoe P. Coltrane from the television series The Dukes of Hazzard).

Of this production, Orlando Sentinel reviewer Elizabeth Maupin stated, “It’s amazing such talent is stuck performing such dreck. If they owed someone a huge favor, then this is more than repayment.”

Later Playwrighting
From 1996 to 2001, Stephen took a second job reviewing movies for several online sites. During this time, his friend David Almeida was the reviewer for the gay publication Watermark. In 1997 alone, they saw 108 movies together, including two of the worst travesties ever committed to celluloid, Sphere and Afterglow.

Because of their experience in theatre as well as critiquing films, Stephen and David started writing plays together. They first wrote the gay comedy Leaving Neverland, which played to sold-out audiences in Tallahassee and Orlando. Their drama about domestic terrorism, Sons of the Revolution, has 12 cast members playing 28 roles, so it has never been produced (though it’s had an excellent workshop and got pretty close to production once and everyone who reads it swears they love it. Really!)

Of Leaving Neverland, Orlando Weekly reviewer Bobbie Bell stated, “There’s no mistaking the warmth and affection these characters have for each other.” Conversely, Orlando Sentinel reviewer Elizabeth Maupin wrote: “There’s not one moment – much less one nanosecond – of truth.”

In 2003, Stephen and David both got cast in Assassins (Stephen’s second production) where the budget for the entire show was exactly $1.98. The director was inexperienced, so Stephen taught him directing, and Stephen and David ended up actually choreographing (shudder!) However, in this production, legendary friendships were formed between Stephen and Ryan Cimono, Sarah French, Kim Grey, Randy Jacobs, Steve MacKinnon, Mattie McDermid, Justin Sargent, Marcie Schwalm, and Larry Stalling.

Of this abysmal production with such a talented cast, Stephen says, “We’re like war buddies.”

Of working with Steve, LA actress Sarah French encouragingly states, “If he keeps looking, he’s bound to find something he’s good at.”

To which David Almeida replies, “Please, don’t encourage him, dear!”

“He puts the ‘ham’ in ‘sham’,” states fellow actor and Greater Orlando Area Theatre co-founder Larry Stalling.

At the mention of Stephen’s name, fellow actress Marcie Schwalm just gets a panicked look on her face and excuses herself to go feed her 18 cats.

Also, in 2003, Stephen and David started writing for the Orlando International Fringe Festival. Their 2003 entry, the musical My Big Fat Gay Wedding, was a huge hit despite some nasty reviews. The next year, their spoof musical Whipping Wally Wonker also was a huge hit, but this time with better reviews. In 2006, Stephen and David performed as husband and wife in the very popular common-man-becomes-superhero comedy Orlando Vigilante (by their Assassins cohorts Marcie Schwalm and Larry Stalling).

Orlando Sentinel reviewer Elizabeth Maupin wrote: “Orlando Vigilante is really no more than extended sketch-comedy (think Saturday Night Live on steroids). But there's something very funny about the idea -- and especially about the cast.”

Stephen has belonged to Playwrights Roundtable of Central Florida for 6 years, where he has submitted several short plays that have been performed. He also submitted Intermission, directed by off-Broadway director Chris Jorie and starring Anne Hering. Because a certain actor screwed up his lines throughout opening night, the Orlando Sentinel review was the worst Stephen’s ever gotten. However, the four OTHER reviews – after the actor buckled down and learned his lines - were some of the best Stephen’s ever gotten.

Ink19 reviewer Carl Gauze wrote, “A sharp and clever script comes to life with a top cast.” Orlando Weekly reviewer Steve Schneider stated: “For such a simple setting, the play is beautifully complex.” TalkingBroadway stated: “The dialogue is orgasmic and the three actors performing it are even more so, superbly directed by Chris Jorie.”

Stephen also earned a master’s in communications during this period of his life, which was so easy, he’s embarrassed to this day to even discuss it.

Today
In 2001, Stephen was hired by the small consulting firm De La Porte & Associates as a consultant liaison, with most of his work for Lockheed Martin. In this capacity, he assesses leaders, designs and audits and teaches classes, and provides day-to-day insight and coaching to employees. After six years of building Lockheed’s mentoring program and running and supporting their leadership development program, Stephen is currently being pushed out the door by a combination of company politics, budget cuts, and pure happenstance. Several people are crying and wringing their hands, but nobody’s stopping it from happening. Stephen will be jobless July 31st.

Over the past few years, Stephen has had literally hundreds of script ideas that never made it to fruition. However, he has recently finished an adaptation of the Willa Cather novel My Antonia. He has also worked with David Almeida to finish the one-act Acting Out. He is in the middle of writing several other scripts, which he fully assumes – however wrong-headed – he’ll actually finish.

Recently, besides several more small productions in Orlando, Stephen has had his short plays performed in South Carolina, Ohio, Iowa, west Florida, and Albuquerque.

Of Steve Miller’s legacy, people throughout the years have said “Man, I love your band; ride on, Space Cowboy!” thinking it’s funny.

Stephen has consistently responded by punching them in the trachea.

And then a History of Schmacko Survey

Sorry, some missing, deleted by others:
BASICS:
01. Raised in: Creston, Iowa
02. Planned baby: Planned until they got me, and then they spent the next few years looking for the receipt to return me for a refund
03. Birth date: August 26, 1969
04. Any siblings: Jesus, tons – two stepbrothers, a stepsister, a half-sister, four brothers, and two sisters.
05. Younger or older: Both – I’m fourth from the bottom.
06. Hair color: Flesh, and what else is there is brown
07. hair length: short
08. Hair style now?: Resigned
09. Eye color: Autumn sage
10. Shoe size: 11
11. Mood: A little panicky and wishing I could sleep
12. Smell: Like white pepper oil and a little soap
13. Height: 5’10”
14. Lefty/righty:Depends ;-)
LOVE LIFE:
01. Do you remember your first real relationship: Unfortunately02. Do you believe in love: Do you believe shameAnd if love can conquer allThen why do we still feel the pain(Sorry, it’s a Duran Duran lyric, couldn’t stop myself)
04. Shortest real relationship: As long as it took for me to cash the check
05. Have you ever been heartbroken: Kinda sorta – knew it was coming, but it still hurt a bit
09. Are you afraid of commitment: I figure at some point I will be committed, so why worry about it
10. You ever had a secret admirer: Yep, poor girl
11. Do you believe in love at first sight: Not really. I believe in lust and attraction, but not “marriage of true minds” love at first sight
12. Ever been in love: Not sure, sadly, and I’m sure I’ve lost my opportunity, so I focus on other things, completely
THIS OR THAT:
01. Love or money: Money
02. Hard liquor or beer: Hard liquor
03. One night stands or relationships: What’s the difference?
04. Television or internet: Internet
05. Pepsi or coke: Dr. Pepper
06. Wild night out or romantic night: Which one involves a certified check?
07. Colored or black and white pictures: Depends on the subject matter
08. Phone or in person: In person!
09. Aim or myspace im? MySpace
HAVE YOU EVER:
01.Been to jail/juvi? Yep, but the charged were expunged!
02.Been caught sneaking out? Nope, very sneaky
03. Have you ever done something you regret? Like this quiz?
04. Have you ever bungee jumped? Nope
05. Have you ever been on a house boat? Kinda – Tommy Mangieri’s uncle lived on a boat in the St. Augustine marina
06. Have you ever finished an entire jaw breaker? Yup
07. Have you ever wanted someone so badly it hurt? Yes, I have, and I have the scars to prove it!
08. Have you ever been streaking? Yes, I did go to college, Alex
09. Have you ever ran away? Yep, once they didn’t notice I was gone, the second time they encouraged it for the summer, and the third time I was stopped before I did something drastic, but I left for good.
RIGHT NOW: 01. Are you missing someone right now? Yes
03. Are you talking to anyone right now? Nope
04. Are you bored right now? Wishing I were tire, more like.
05. Are you German? A smidge somewhere
06. Are you Irish? HELL YEAH! VERY MUCH SO!!!
07. Are you French? Nope
08. Are you Italian? I wish I had a little in me, but no.
09. Are you black? Only in mood
10. Are you Norwegian? No, should I be?
11. Are your parents still married? My parents are plant food
12. What's your greatest joy in life? I’m kinda trying to remake it now. I love my playwrighting, I love my friends, I used to love my job…
OTHER:
01. Best friends: David, Cathy, Susan
02. What do you do when you're together? Eat, go to movies, watch something Tivod. Susan and I cook or discuss books
03. Share the same interests? Mostly
04. Which friend can you tell everything to? Jesus
05. Do you have a low self esteem? Right now, yes, and I hate it, because it’s miserable. I logically KNOW I am very good at my job, but losing this job kinda put a dent in my shine
06. Do you get depressed about things easily? On occassion
07. Do you live life to the fullest? Doesn’t spending precious time filling out this survey tell you so?
08. Are you comfortable with the way you look? No, but it could be worse
09. Are you scared of growing up old and alone? Absolutely not – it’s probably going to happen to me, and I’ve grown accustomed to the idea very fondly
10. What do you want to be when you grow up? I would love to be a playwright and a mentor with a giant kitchen my friends and family and I could cook in. I had a dream that I’d be brave enough and self-assured enough and rich enough to be a foster parent to gay teens, but I don’t think that’s going to happen.
11. Do you prefer indoors or outdoors? Indoors
12. Favorite season? Autumn
13. Do you like walking in the rain? Only if it’s planned
14. Are you a vegetarian? Nope