A Quiz from Jeff

1. Do you snore?
Yep, like a yak choking on bubble gum.

2. Are you a lover or a fighter?
Yes.

3. As a kid, were you a LEGO maniac?
My parents would have never bought me this – we were poor. My best friends had lots of Legos though, and I did play there while trying to invent ways of never going home ever again.

4. What do you think of "Reality TV?"
I don’t really watch TV, so I am not qualified to judge.

5. Do you chew on your straws?
Yep. If it’s a bad habit, I have it.

6. Were you a cute baby?
Nope, I was bloody and small and lumpy. Like a red Gollum having an allergic reaction.

7. Is the single life for you?
There is absolutely no evidence to the contrary.

8. What color is your keyboard?
Black, like my soul.

9. Do you sing in the shower?
Sometimes. Mostly Kum Bi Yah.

10. Have you ever bungee jumped?
There isn’t a chord strong enough.

11. Any secret talents?
Only ones I want to remain secret.

12. What's your ideal vacation spot?
At my desk at work

13. Is Jay Leno funny?
Define “is”

14. Can you swim?
Not right now, there’s no body of water around.

15. Have you seen the movie Donnie Darko?
Nope.

16. Do you give a darn about the ozone layer?
I wondered about this – like what if I were to do what that fast food documentarian did. Would I maybe film myself under the ozone hole and them show people the effect it could have. I’d totally do it, and I’d hope the experience would kill me, cuz that would make for a great documentary.

17. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
I don’t know. I keep licking my Timex, though, and it keeps ticking, just like they say.

18. Can you sing the alphabet backwards?
WHY DOES THIS DAMN QUESTION POP UP ON EVERY JOB INTERVIEW I GO TOI!!!

19. Have you ever been on an airplane?
I’ve been IN an airplane, but I’ve never been ON one.

20. Are you an only child?
Only in my head.

21. Do you prefer electric or manual pencil sharpeners?
The quicker the better.

22. What's your stand on hunting?
Why should inner city kids be the only ones getting shot at?

23. Is marriage in your future?
See answer to #7.

24. What are you allergic to?
Personal growth.

25. When was the last time you said, "I Love You!"?
To myself in the mirror this morning.

26. Is Tupac still alive?
Spell his name backwards and you kinda get the answer.

27. DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?
Nope. Everyone deserves their own pain.

28. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
I prefer stem cell research.

29. ARE BLONDES DUMB?
No, they speak a lot.

30. WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?
With the hobos in my backyard.

31. WHAT TIME IS IT?
It’s the end of the world as we know it,

32. IS MCDONALD'S DISGUSTING?
What is “gusting” and does McDonald’s do the opposite?

33. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR?
This morning on the way to work.

34. IS SANTA CLAUS REAL?
Ask your mother.

35. DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED?
I don’t know. If the opportunity ever arises, I’ll get back to you.

36. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
Nope, only the monsters in it.

37. WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?
Self-destruction

38. CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK?
Crack is whack.

39. HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?
Yeah, while having sex with Tupac and Santa…

40. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY?
43 times – I kinda enjoy it.

41. IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?
Not unless you like pain.

42, ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?
I’m heavy and I sleep, but no, I am not a heavy sleeper.

43. HOW LOUD DO YOU SNEEZE?
Do you need any walls torn down?

44. DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?
Work is wonderful, I love my cat, and I am excited about the play.

45. WHO'S BETTER: STONE COLD OR THE ROCK?
Ask St. Peter.

46. ARE YOU PSYCHIC?
Wow, I didn’t see this one coming!

47. HAVE YOU READ "CATCHER IN THE RYE"?
Yep.

48. CAN YOU SKATE?
Yes, usually on thin ice.

49. HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY?
Yep.

50. DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?
Only if I’ve stolen enough money for it.

51. DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH?
Do I ever laugh?

52. DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?
They suck as a basketball team.

53. DO YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?
May Divorce Be With You.

54. CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?
Are you kidding?!?!?!

55. DO YOU MAKE A LOT OF MISTAKES?
Only big ones.

56. IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY?
No, but it’s cold inside.

57. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Someone’s child.

58. DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH?
I’m not Polish, I’m Irish.

Do You Admit Your Own Stupidity?

I've been very stupid lately, so I was just remembering back when I was just as stupid. It must have been 1999 or 2000.

I was waiting for a bus to work. It was like 6:00am in the morning, when a crusty old tan VW van pulled up and the black woman inside offered me a ride.

Well, in the darkness, I coulda sworn she was a coworker from work, so I was very thankful she had stopped. But when I opened the van door and the interior light came on, it was a total stranger.

I said, "You're not Gina. I don't know you!"

She yeah, but that she was a good person, she just needed my bus fare ($1.10) for gas money. "Get in."

I hesitated.

Then she said, "Just cuz I'm black doesn't mean I'm going to kill you. I'm a decent person. Get in."

And white guilt set in (I didn't want her to think I was a racist) so I GOT IN!

Ugh!


OKAY, HERE'S THE REST OF THE STORY, AS PEE WEE HERMAN OR PAUL HARVEY WOULD SAY (I get them two confused all the time)

I got in real nervous and apparently without the use of my brain... into the van with this total stranger.

I'm a big guy, but this petit black woman had me scared sh!tless.She grabbed my briefcase and threw it int he backseat (great....that was the only defense I had...)

She asked me to pick up something on the floor near my feet. I bent over, watching her the whole time so she wouldn't go for a gun or a lead pipe. It was amake-up compact.

She asked me to buckle up - thank God I was even fatter than than I am now because I pretended I couldn't get the belt around me. I lied and made her drop me off at a nondescript place downtown.I gave her 10 dollars and told her we both shoulda never done it. She cried and prayed over the money.

I felt like a heel.

David was later on hold at work, telling this story to a co-worker when the woman at the other end came on, just at the "Just cuz I'm black doesn't mean I'm gonna kill ya" part.

So David had to tell the entire story to a complete stranger, who replied, "I AM black and I wouldn't a got into the van!!!!"

I told Gina the whole story, and she said about the same thing...

I was stupid, what can I say?

My Personal Disease

I am suffering from a Spiritual Angina.


Meaning my soul has spasmodic attacks of intense suffocative pain.

A Monologue I Like

It's culled from two adjacent scenes in the movie His Girl Friday. You gotta deliver it lighning-fast like Rosalind Russell in the original:

HILDY: (walking into the pressroom) I’ll take that bet. Gee, it’s getting so a girl can’t even leave the room without being discussed by a bunch of old ladies. (picking up the phone) Hello, Post. Yes, get me Walter Burns. This is Hildy Johnson. (back to the newspaper men, gathering round her) Oh I can quit, all right, without a single quiver. I’m gonna live like a human being, not like you chumps. (into phone) Is that you, Walter? Oh, I’ve got some news for you. Yes, I’ve got the interview for you alright, but I’ve also got some more important news. Yes, perhaps you oughta get a pencil and take it down. All ready? Now get this, you double-crossing chimpanzee! There ain't gonna be any interview and there ain't gonna be any story. And that certified cheque of yours is leaving with me in twenty minutes. I wouldn't cover the burning of Rome for you if they were just lighting it up! And if I ever lay my two eyes on you again, I'm gonna walk right up to you and hammer on that monkey skull of yours till it rings like a Chinese gong! Oh, so you don’t know why I’m angry with you. Well, perhaps you should get Louie to tell you the story of his missing watch, and there’s one more little thing I want you to listen to. (She walks over to the typewriter and tears out the sheets that HIAM was just reading. She takes them directly to the phone and furiously rips them up in the speaker. She then picks up the receiver.) You hear that? That’s the story I just wrote. Yes, yes, I know we had a bargain. I just said I’d write it, not that I wouldn’t tear it up. It’s all in little pieces now, Walter, and I hope to do the same for you someday. (She slams down the phone.) And that, my friends, is my farewell to the newspaper game. I’m gonna be a woman, not a news-getting machine. I’m gonna have babies and take care of them and give them cod liver oil and watch their teeth grow. (She starts to put on her coat.) And, oh dear… And if I ever see a one of ‘em even looks at a newspaper again, I’m gonna brain them! Where’s my hat? Oh, it’s on my head! Next time you see me, I should be riding in a Rolls Royce, giving interviews on success. So long, you wage slaves! And where you’re crawling up fire escapes and getting kicked out of front doors and eating Christmas dinners standing up in one-arm jonts, don’t forget your pal, Hildy Johnson!

I cannot seem to post this...

http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-11/470982/starfish.JPG

I'm Still Here!

Okay, instead of saying "Thank God" or "Thank God in Heaven," I am now only going to say "Thank Shirley McLaine!"

It gives me comfort to know that my Divine force has sung "I'm Still Here" in D Flat.

"Good times and bum times,
I've seen 'em all
and my dear
I'm still here!
Plush velvet sometimes,
sometimes just pretzels and beer
but I'm here!
I've been mistaken for three days dead,
Had my flesh blessed into wine and bread!
Watched all my disciples turn frightened and disappear
I'm in a Heavenly threesome,
and I'm here!"

Another one...

Some idiot at Lockheed Martin took a whiteboard marker and wrote on a projection screen:

"Vicki - Rick, and Bob, and Leroy were here-had to leave."

How fucking dumb can you be?

First of all, it's a goddamn PROJECTION SCREEN, not a whiteboard!

Secondly, if you're using all those "and"s, you don't need fucking commas, you moron! And the improper used of dashes...(as you can tell, sentence frangments don't particularly bother me.)

OK, so at least we know the retard is either Rick, Bob, or Leroy. And they're in Vicki's meeting.

And these are people who build missiles for a living...

A Weird Coupla Weeks at Work

A metric ton of weirdess here at work…

One – Last week, I met with a man at Lockheed about classes for his career development, and after the initial stuff was handled, I asked this ex-Marine in his mid-50s if there was anything else he needed from me. He replied, “Well, there is something I would like, but if I ask you for it, it would definitely be an ethics violation, so I’ll just say ‘No.’”

Creepy.

Two – Last week, I one of our consultants to teach a Change class to a group of hostile people because their management thought a Change class would be good.

Okay, this organization went from being a “life is a party” Research and Development organization to Manufacturing (How many lenses have you built!?? How many lenses have you built!?? How many lenses have you built!??) And did the management tell us that this big upheaval happened before they threw us in there like meat to starving lions? No.
And it’s a class on “How to deal with change.” From the head office. Yeah, that doesn’t look planned… Ooo, that makes for a RECEPTIVE audience, doesn’t it!?!?

Three – We had a two hour meeting last Thursday with eight people who were up to speed and another who didn’t know shit and played “Caveman Lawyer” the entire meeting, asking stupid questions. And when I suggested this woman may want to spend some time on the side with one of us learning about what we were talking about, I sounded snarky as hell, and she got pissed. Which I understand. Except she cannot understand how her basic questions were wasting everyone else’s time!

Four - Finally, today in a Self-Motivation class I had this young guy who wanted to know how the class was going to help him escape the corporate culture, start his own business, and make himself a millionaire before he was thirty. He was young, and clueless, and kind of a smarmy asshole. But the weird thing: he kept pinching his nipples during class! ???

Well, I guess that’s one form of self-motivation.

New Quiz

1. What is the best thing about the city in which you live? What is the worst?
The best thing about the city I live in is that every single white homeless person has a fascinating story about how the Civil War was not about racism. The worst thing is the camel toes (those white homeless men should definitely wear looser pants.)

2. Describe an idea or invention of yours that you would like to see turned into reality.
I love the idea of doing something really daring – like mixing your Diet Sprite Zero and your Diet Sierra Mist together!

3. Name an overrated author, musician/band, and movie. Name an underrated author, musician, and movie.
Overrated author: Shakespeare, seriously. Not everything he wrote was spun gold. He was just very prolific and a lot of his stuff is quite good, but I am still amazed anyone does Titus or Trollius & Cressida.
Overrated musician/band: Right now, System of a Down – wow, do they sound like hammered crap live – saw them on SNL and then on Conan, and they sucked in the sucky way sucky things suck!
Overrated movie: Two of my all-time overrated movies are Braveheart and The English Patient. Both are bloated, underedited pieces of crap with little or no point of existence!
Underrated author: Marcie Schwalm
Underrated musician/band: There is a little-known band out of Scotland called The Silencers – they are by far my vote for underrated!
Underrated movie: The Island of Dr. Moreau – the awful piece of crap with Faruza Balk, Vasl Kilmer, and Marlon Brando. It is unintentionally the best comedy ever made.

4. If your life were a sitcom slated to air in the fall, what would the show be called? Who would you cast in the starring role? And for extra credit, give us a brief treatment of the show.
It would be called Extreme Makeover on the Prairie III and would star both Markie Post and Erin Grey playing my inner child and my super ego, respectively, and they’d live in the bombed-out set of Pee Wee’s Playhouse after a nuclear holocaust. James Earl Jones would be the voice of me, but you’d never see me.