A Gi-Normous Quiz!

1. What's your opinion on sex without emotional commitment?
What is this thing you call “sex”?

2. What is your favorite Christmas/winter movie?
Your Genitalia and You!

3. Are you a jealous person?
No. Just envious.

4. What are you allergic to?
Sincere answers

5. What books, if any, have made you cry?
The ones my dad used to beat me with.

6. Does it annoy you when someone says they'll call but never do?
I’m that person…

7. (7?)

8. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Ben and Jerry’s Everything But The… I don’t joke around when it comes to ice cream

9. If someone you had no interest in dating expressed interest what would you do/say?
Smile and act dumb – this is what I did the last two times.

10. (10?)

11. What song lyric, if any, is stuck in your head at the moment?
“I’m like a jukebox, baby/ And I know you’ll be followin’ me/ So, keep your ear to the ground!

(12...what the ...?)

13. Do you enjoy giving hugs?
Only to hobos

14. What do you think of Angelina Jolie being pregnant?
I can sincerely say this question is the very first I’ve given it any thought…and I’m done.

15. What character from a movie most reminds you of yourself?
Jack Black’s from High Fidelity

16. Do you sleep on your side, tummy, or back?
Yes

17. Would you ever sky dive?
Only if I didn’t have a parachute.

18. What do you tell yourself when times get hard?
“See, I told you things would get back to normal!”

19. What did you dress up as for your first Halloween?
A crack baby – it was typecasting

20. What's your favorite TV show, now or in the past?
The one where the screen is very dark and I see me staring back at myself.

21. Do you get along better with the same or opposite sex?
I get along better with inanimate objects. True.

22. Can others make you cry easily?
I never stop crying, really.

23. Who was the last person to piss you off?
Me.

24. Do you believe that God has a gender?
No, she doesn’t.

25. Do you believe in life on other planets?
I would LOVE to be abducted!!! Tortured and maybe even killed!!!

26. Are you picky about spelling and grammar?
I’s gwina jes’ done say yeppers.

27. Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages?
I pay attention to packages.

28. If you could be any type of fruit what would you be?
Liberace

29. Were you a "planned" child?
Only by Satan.

30. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
None. All I own are single, unmatched shoes.

31. What was the last thing to scare you?
The length of this quiz.

32. How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
Eternal sleep.

33. What is your mother's hometown?
Chlamydia, Siberia

34. What is your favorite alcoholic drink?
Old half-used perfume

35. When was the last time you slept on the floor?
I WAS LOOKING FOR MY CONTACT!

36. Have you ever been attracted to someone physically unattractive?
Just myself.

37. What personality trait is a must-have in the opposite sex?
Big thumbs. HUGE thumbs!

38. Do you enjoy traveling via airplanes?
NO!

39. Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?
Only if every single tattoo included his mom’s name.

40. Have you ever dated someone out of your race?
I am out of my race!

41. Can you skip rocks?
I skip anything at the buffet that might crack a tooth.

42. Do you believe that the guy should pay on the first date?
Only if the whore agrees to put out like she should!

43. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
David said he’s overused his tattoo joke, but here’s a piercing joke for him – he wants a piercing in his backside.

44. Which do you make: wishes or plans?
Both take too much work!

45. Can you speak any languages other than English?
Nope, I’m American!

46. What is your favorite salad dressing?
Self-Pity.

47. What movies do you know every line to?
Little Oral Annie and Poke-a-hot-ass

48. Have you ever dated one of your best friends?
I’ve never had a date or a close friend.

49. Has anyone told you a secret this week?
Yeah, I was telling David about this hobo I killed and dumped off of I-4 in Deltona, and he said he was going straight there to fuck the corpse.

50. When was the last time someone hit on you?
Ewwww, this creepy Mexican janitor here at work does it ALL the time!

51. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?
I’d rather throw darts at the picture and then burn it in a trash can, putting the fire out with my own copious tears!

52. Do you wear flip-flops even when it's cold outside?
Nope, just a thong.

53. If you could eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Cyanide.

54. What makeup do you wear on a daily basis?
I wear a foundation called Pretend You’re Not Suicidal – it covers well.

55. How many siblings do you have, and where are you in the rank?
I have 4 brothers, 2 sisters, 2 step-brother, a step-sister, and a half-sister. I am fourth from the bottom. And you probably think I am joking.

56. Have you ever ditched school?
Yep. On the day a rep from my college came 70 miles to present at assembly to me all these grants and scholarships I won, I wasn’t there… And you still think I’m joking. No one told me!

57. What's the sweetest thing you've ever done for someone?
Nothing. I am the meanest, most selfish, most flawed person I know. People think I’m nice because I can act very well, but it’s really a form of lying, cuz underneath I am a big fat pile of lying maggots wallowing in their own shit.

58. When was your last road trip?
Have I had my last?

59. Where would your heaven be
?I would have a small, cool dark cave of bedding I could climb out of and be in the middle of a big Barnes & Noble full of my friends. My grandma would be in charge of the café (she’d make the French toast), and there’d be a beautiful movie theatre attached showing whatever movie I’d want to see, and a stage on the other side showing whatever play or musical or band I wanted to see live, and then out back would be the ocean with a beautiful white sandy beach. Oh, and somewhere there’d be this HUGE bathroom with a tub and a shower separate and lots of fun products and candles and big fluffy towels. And we’d all walk around naked because Heaven would’ve given us the bodies we always dreamed of. And Ben & Jerry’s. And every so often a roller rink playing 80s tunes.

60. Do you have any pets?
My Schweetie!

Four Play

Four jobs you have had in your life:
1. Consultant for Employee Development
2. Tour Guide
3. Janitor
3. Mayonnaise Taste Tester

Four movies you would watch over and over:
1. North by Northwest
2. Postcards from the Edge
3. Harold & Maude
4. Little Oral Annie

Four places you have lived:
1. My mom’s womb
2. Creston, Iowa
3. Kirkland, Ohio
4. Bumfuck, Egypt

Four TV shows you love to watch:
1. Sew Simple
2. Cops (to see my relatives)
3. American Viagra Idol
4. Static

Four places you have been on vacation:
1. A Duran Duran Concert
2. A public restroom
3. A mountain
4. Near water

Four websites I visit daily:
1. www.Ireallyshouldhavenotshovedthatupmyass.com
2. www.doesmarciereallyreadthese.com
3. www.dash.com
4. www.www.www.www.redundancy.com

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Salt
2. Caffiene
3. Fat
4. Sugar

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. In bed on my right side
2. In bed on my left side
3. In bed on my back
4. In bed tossing one off the wrist


Four books you've really enjoyed:
1. Don’t Pee in My Mouth and Call It Lemonade
2. The Five Relatives You Meet in Hell
3. The Lovely Boner
4. The Bell South White Pages


Four songs you could never get sick of:
1. “Neener Neener Neener” by me
2. “Daddy, Don’t Touch Me There (Father’s Day)" by Ernest Borgnine
3. “Pull My Finger” by Charlotte Church
4. “Unabashed Plagerism” by Dooran Dooran

The Message David Left on my Voice Mail First Thing This Morning...

Verbatim.

Okay, not a good way to start the day…

You leave your house, you drive to the polls. You get to the door, and they’re saying “Be sure you have your ID, etcetera, etcetera, out.” Aaand you open up your wallet, and your license is not there. Where it belongs.

I was like, “Oh, crap!” Last time I remember seeing it is I showed it to them at the gym on Saturday. I’m like, “They must have it there.” So, I called LA Fitness, they looked around – looked in their lost and found; it’s not there, and I’m like, “Well, good. Cuz if it was, I’d be really pissed! Cuz, you know, you can kinda call a person and let them know when they leave their license somewhere.”

So, I go alllll the way back home. I gather up my passport and my voter registration card hoping that’s good enough, which it was. So, I have cast my vote; that’s all great and fine and dandy.

I get done; I’m telling the people at the -- the cute little old lady -- the story how I was just here, I lost my license, and I don’t know where it is. “Oh my God, you should be careful how you drive today. Isn’t that amazing?!” Blah blah blah.

Put my voting thing through the vote machine, walk out the door, and as I’m putting the stuff back in my pockets, in my left pants pocket is my license.

I have not worn these pants for a week now…

Meaning: at some point while I got dressed this morning, I took out my license and put it in my pants pocket, knowing that I was going to need it to go and vote, and then immediately forgot about it. And not lightly forget; not a – take out the wallet, look; it’s not there! “Oh my God, what the—Oh! That’s right; I took it out.”

No no no! I took it, looked at wallet, and went, “It’s gone! I have no earthly idea where it is!”

So.

This it; the message to tell you that, clearly, I’m losing it. My mind is going. I’m going to be incontinent probably soon. And before I lose the ability to recognize you and tellyou so, I just wanted to say, “I love you.”

Bye-bye.


Laugh my fricken' ass off!!!

Nothin's Better than More!

Well…

Some o’ you said you liked the rambling, so…well, two of you said you like the rambling, so…

I had to work on Friday this week, but it just so happened that Sarah and I had a play-date on Saturday. (This is no knock on Sarah, God knows, but our times together are so devoid of stodgy, adult behavior that they do qualify as “play-dates.”)

We went to the Menello Folk Art Festival, and we both decided they should make the theme “Get Folked!”

From there, we found that they built a HUGE bicycle bridge across that teeny lake behind the Menello. On the other side of the bridge we found a house for sale. Well, the front door was locked, the gate was barred, and the back door was locked, but the side gate was open and the basement wasn’t locked, so we saw this as our message from God that we should tour the house from top to bottom. (Sometimes God needs a little help, so we did test every possible entrance…)

Nice place, but WOW, did it need work! Five smallishly small bedrooms (two in a mother-in-law), two kitchens (the mother-in-law down in the dank basement), four full baths, a pool, and lake access. Because it needed lots and lots of work, and it was very near industrial areas, I guessed the asking price at about a half million. Sarah called the realtors and found it was near a million.

Now, I’m so depressed I wanna kill myself.

It doesn’t help to find that one out of every nine rentable apartments in Orlando went condo this last year. The average price for 488 square feet? $103,000.

Then Sarah and I went to DEchoes, where they ask you when you enter if you want a drink. Also, they have “slightly used” cologne at the back. I spritz on a little Kenneth Cole New York. Back in the front, one of the sales clerks said one of us smelled terrific! I stammered, “Well…it might be me, and thank you!”

It’s bad when you feel guilty for stealing used cologne but not at all snaky for breaking a few trespassing laws.

Then we ran around some and ended up at Tuesday Morning. People, if you want to know how bath products or candles end up at places like Tuesday Morning, Steinmart, TJMaxx, Marshalls, Ross, and the like, take a few minutes to actually smell them! What olfactory idiot got paid to come up with these!?!?! I cannot describe how disgusting and funny this was. Sarah and I were laughing and gagging at the same time. One candle in particular reminded me of when college frat buddies got so drunk, they’d puke on the radiator. And yet, I had to smell it TWICE to verify that it was truly that vile!

Then David and Cathy joined us for dinner at White Wolf, before Sarah had to run off and get ready for Stripped.

Stripped.

So, David and I saw it. Yeah….hmmm…

Ryan Cimino and John Bateman were there…not together…yeah…hmmm…

OK, well, let me just make a few observations:

1) I didn’t find anything new or revealing in the play. Maybe I’m just jaded, but I pretty much well knew that drugs and bisexuality and body issues and self-esteem problems run rampant through the stripper subculture. Anyone else surprised by this?!? I didn’t think so…

2) We are led to believe that only one of the six strippers is currently using drugs (although another admits to steeling her nerve with alcohol). We are led to believe that we should find all six strippers basically good people. This brings up an interesting point:

3) Why is everything these strippers say about themselves accepted as truth by the writer/director? The “poor me” way these strippers represented themselves smacked of bullshit.

4) Oh, my favorite! They bitch A LOT that an unskilled, undereducated woman in America can either strip or only make $7.50 an hour. Gasp! At least they admit they are unskilled and undereducated… You tell me where a man with the same skills and education can make up to $900 a night taking off his clothes. This sort of dumbass expectation of gross entitlement pissed me off in so many ways! When I left college, I was skilled and educated, and the only job I could find was $8.50 an hour. Cry me a river, ladies.

5) And. Thank God that a couple of the actresses (Sarah being one of them) can actually do subtlety and subtext. This dreck is so simple-minded that the only way to make these characters interesting is through sly physicality and vocal nuances. Sadly, four of these actresses seem largely incapable, some worse than others.

6) In case you’re wondering what would have made a stripper play new and interesting for me: I’d have loved to see a play about how these characters create gimmicks or stage personas and about how they truly interact with each other backstage. I would’ve also liked to have seen some more complexity and honest-to-goodness conflict that we could watch a flawed, realistic character work through.

These things being said, if they every do this play again, I SO WANT to play one of the strippers!!!

Ironically, by stunt-casting these strippers as men, the play could possibly accidentally end up saying something significant.


I’ve realized that one of my dear friends works very very very hard at being cool! Because he wasn’t popular in high school, or something like that. I wanna shake him and scream, “Quit caring! There are SO MANY people who love you because you truly are and will always be a bit geeky!”


The Oscars

Crash.

Umm…

Since I seem to be numbering my responses:

1) I thought Jon Stewart was a fine host, but I also admit that most of the Hollywood elite did not seem amused…by anything…even Ben Stiller…

2) Wow, Mr. Clooney’s speech was lovely. Philip Seymour Hoffman could have taken a lesson from him. Or even from Reese Witherspoon. It’s not like Hoffman didn’t know he was going to win. All that fumbling and rubbing of the forehead!

3) Well, I had to go and read to see how they elected and voted on best song. Here’s the convoluted way they “judge a song as worthy":
http://oscarbeat.latimes.com/awards_oscar/2005/12/the_howsandwhys.html
And then, you have to be a member of the right committee anyway:
http://movies.about.com/od/awards/f/oscarmem122504.htm
The whole thing is pretty secretive and about as weird as a Mormon Temple Ritual. It smacks of politics.
It just upsets me that poor Dolly had to lose to that incredibly dull, pedestrian, uninspired hip-hop song.

4) And of course, I really dislike Crash. I thought the first forty minutes of the film SUCKED!!!! The dialogue was so heavy-handed I barely got to enjoying the great acting and plot twists that made up the rest of the film. I think critic Eric Lungaard said it best when he stated, "What is the big problem with race in the Los Angeles of Crash? That everyone enunciates every racial thought they have."
Still, I don’t dislike the film as much as, say, The English Patient, American Beauty, or Braveheart, all of which won Best Picture.

5) That being said, I think Crash won because:

a. It had over 100 LA actors cast in it, compared to the eleven SAG members in the cast of Brokeback.

b. A lot of the Oscars is about the ad campaigns and marketing machines. Remember, Shakespeare in Love beat out Saving Private Ryan (I still think SIL is a better film, though) based on an excellent pre-Oscar media blitz. There is a lot of talk about Brokeback “peaking too early,” and some more about how every SAG actor was given a free copy of the Crash DVD. Sad but true, a lot of this is about media and money...

c. Remember what I said about this being about money? More people get paid paid by films like Crash than by films like Brokeback Mountain. Hard, true fact.

d. Also, I will not totally discount that a bit of homophobia played into this. In a year when every journalist was telling Hollywood that they have lost touch with the rest of America, and where box offices are notably down, it does seem easier to vote for a racially tense film that doesn’t really challenge the audience members. It’s harder to sell a gay love story that forces the audience to choose how they feel about homosexuality. Audiences can watch Crash and dismiss their involvement by saying, “That’s not me; I’m not racist.” They can also feel tolerant by being "exposed" to such a film. They absolutely have to decide how they feel about gay relationships watching Brokeback Mountain. Wanting their customers back, Hollywood picks the less challenging of the two movies.

6) God bless Ang Lee and Larry McMurtry for being upset. McMurtry even cited possible homophobia: “Perhaps, America isn’t ready to accept that some cowboys are gay.” No one said change was every going to be easy, but it’s nice to know who we have in our corner. Though, one would still think Hollywood would be a eensy bit better at promoting equal rights for everyone…

7) And I reiterate, I don’t hate Crash. I just am disappointed that it couldn’t have been more subtle, subterfugal, and nefarious. The acting, directing, and editing were amazing. The plot was lovely in it’s complexity. The pieces were all there to make a film that would’ve caused me to admit: “OK, if Brokeback has to lose, this is a damn good film to lose to!” But instead, the dialogue was ham-fisted, ineloquent, and unbelievable. It could’ve been so much more, and I think that’s what upsets me the most.

8) And we still have to remember all the awards Brokeback Mountain has won:
The BAFTA, The Globe for Drama, Directors’ Guild, Writers’ Guild, Producers’ Guild, The Independent Spirit, Venice Film Festival, and scads and scads of critics’ awards. And those are the ones that just pop to mind!

Ramblin', Man!

This is going to read like a Jimmy Crescitelli article, I think:

I'm clear down at Lockheed today, wearing a light tan shirt...

AND I JUST CHOKED AND BLEW DARK COFFEE ALL OVER MYSELF!!!!!!!!!

Well, let's see:
~I have a Nightmare Before XMas TShirt on underneath, so that's inappropriate for this place
~I took my sweater I always keep here home to get it dry-cleaned
~Home is 12 miles away through the worst traffic in Orlando...

DAMN! And I am NOT sitting here all day with coffee spots all over my front...Grrrrrrrrrrrr!

And I have a dinner meeting tonight, so I don’t want to stay late to catch up on the work I’m missing

So, here’s the rule. I’m hiding out in my office, and the first person who makes a comment, I leave for the rest for the day! Fair? Fair!

I already always feel like an uncoordinated, geeky slob; I do not need these stains to confirm it for everyone.

I am very jealous of David getting to spend time with John Bateman. John, honestly, is charming and very intelligent. He’s the type of person who makes me feel more classy just being around him. He’s also probably a bit mischievous, and if he has any serious mess in his life (and somehow I don’t suspect that his life is a Hallmark card), he’s wonderful at keeping it controlled with that very attractive, engaging charm of his.

I am going to the Menullo Folk Festival this weekend, mainly because it’s free, and secretly I am SUCH a lesbian for the folk music. I plan to bring a blanket and a cooler and sit on the lawn pretending I am topless and burning my bra to bluegrass music. Good times!

The thing I CAN do without is the shitty “folk art” made with trashy crap like ...I don't know...a mounted fish, hundreds of buttons, and a glue gun. The idea is neat, but the EXECUTION of most of this work sucks!!!! You mean to tell me that just because these people aren’t trained artists, they cannot take a little extra time making sure their art doesn’t look like total crap – like a craft fair reject or a piece of shit even The Island of Lost Toys would cast out of their midst? It seems the curator feels that “extra-crappy” is an admirable quality in folk art. Blegh!

Seeing Stripped on Saturday night. I really really really hate documentary theatre…it’s too static and early-1970’s. But I’ll be there to support Sarah French, whom I love so much, I get a little teary when I think about it.

On my off-Fridays, Sarah and I hang out with each other. Last Friday, we ran around trying to find her mail – it was pretty sitcom-y in that we had to go to that Post Office behind the East Colonial Target. I warned her that the place was dire. We got there, and she immediately started laughing at how stark and creepy the place is. Basically people, it’s a glass door leading to a small white lobby WITH ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN IT. White linoleum floors, white walls, and a very industrial blue door with a window cut into it. By the door is a small doorbell you ring, and then some guy throws open the little window to help you.

Well, inside the door is a VERY large industrial space which Sarah and I immediately started imagining huge musical numbers in (think 60s Motown). Choreography and all!

And then as we were agreeing that this creepy little lobby would be a horrible place to get raped in (is there a good place to get raped?), this creepy guy came in and stood, like, four inches from Sarah’s back.

And we just laughed out loud!

AND CREEPY GUY DID NOT MOVE!!!

So, then we went to lunch at Pei Wei (ran into Heather Leonardi, who had a cold...) and then picked up my TV at the repair shop. Gah, the repair shop guy was chatty and pleasant and a little cloying. I think it’s because Sarah is so cute…

Then we went next door to the repair shop and got snow cones. She got strawberry lemonade, I think. And I got wedding cake.

Then we went into Park Ave CDs and I bought Sarah and me each a plastic Dunny 2-Faced toy.

Sarah said she loved our Fridays together.

I said, “Well, they’re certainly not marred by anything like intelligence or maturity or responsibility. "

And we laughed.

Cuz it’s true.

And then I drove her down to pick up her BRAND NEW CAR!!! (read that like Rod Roddy on The Price is Right). It’s a charming little silver Ford Fuckus…Focus.

OK, THE STORY OF THE CREEPY JANITOR AT WORK

He’s at my main client’s. He has a Fu-Manchu moustache. He looks all over like a young, Mexican Roy Scheider. He has very very spooky blue eyes with pink rims.

He flirts with me.

I cannot remember being this creeped out by anyone for a very long time! He makes me never want to flirt with anyone ever again, and I used to LOVE flirting.

He winks and whistles around me. He sashays. He’s even dusted some cat hair off of me once, before I could stop him from touching me.

Last night, I am trying to use the very last bathroom on my way out of work. He is emptying the trash. He sees me coming and slides into this bathroom before me and sidles up to the MIDDLE urinal (guys, you know this rule and he is SO breaking it!).

I’m thinking, “Well, I’ll just take a stall then, securely lock the door, and maybe he’ll get the clear image I am not interested.”

Well, I’m in the stall waiting and praying for him to leave, and he does, but not without saying “Bye.”

“Bye”???

To me through the stall door?????!?!?!?!?

JESUS GAWD!!! THAT’S FUCKING CREEPY!

He came in to empty my trash and clean my office today, and I tried to be overly loud and business-like, started a conversation with my assistant…

I mean, my skin crawls. I see his as a person covered with a thin film of grease from a truck stop restaurant grill…that’s how oogie I feel around him.

Please, people, tell me I don’t creep anyone out like this, or I’d have to kill myself!

Oh, and on Monday, I went to Rollins and heard a lecture from artist Gary Baseman:
www.garybaseman.com
Tuesday, I went to Uberbot and he signed and drew a picture for me on the inside of a book. Nice guy, fun to talk to. My kind of sick, infantile but charming art.


Mrs. Carrot, you cat-lover you, DO NOT go this this web site - it's gross and upsetting (but funny) at a level I myself can barely stand. I think it'd just hurt you too much:
http://www.amystaxidermy.com/pages/cats.htm

I love how the author says, "I hope I do not offend anyone with these pictures."

WHAT!!! This is sick on so many levels, how can you NOT offend people!!! I mean, I am offended. Me! Mr. Gross-Out! And I'm laughing my ass off at yer dumb assedness. That you would hope not to offend us by posting pictures of what you and your equally sick father have been doing!?!?!

This is so gross and hilarious, it makes my fillings hurt.


Oh, and my neighbor and two of her friends were doing something mildly illegal with her doors open the other night. And the police showed up!!!

Not for that, but because Isaac, the guy who used to live there a couple of years ago, has a warrant out for his arrest.

...nifty...

When Isaac lived there, he stole my rake for a coupla months, left it on his roof...that was annoying.

Otherwise, Isaac was always a sweet guy to me, but I'm sure he could get a warrant out for him for either drug use or not paying child support. Just guessing.

My neighbor's lucky she didn't get nailed. If I were her, I'd lay off for a while...ifyaknowhatimean.


FINALLY:

Found out that they have a shirt in my size I can wear today. It's a little wrinkled... I'll put up with wrinkled, but not food-spotted!

Have I rambled enough? Wow, I haven’t done something like this in a long time.

Alcohol Warnings

Liquor Manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode