A Quiz from Meghan

1. You and Jesus go out to dinner - who pays?
Cuz he got screwed by his Father, I’d assume Jesus is the Bottom, so I’d have to pay. (I’m going to Hell!) I like Meghan’s joke about Jesus making the wine; can he make a nice white varietal?

2. You suddenly have to flee the country and adopt a new name.
Spanky McBottom – Ireland, I s’pose, though it’s more of a Scottish name…

3. Pick one state in the U.S. to get rid of permanently?
Texas!!! If they think they’re so fucking special, let ‘em go it on their own, don’t let the 400-foot high fence in Oklahoma hit ‘em in the ass on the way out!

4. You wake up as the opposite gender. What's the one thing you wanna do?
Ooo, I gotta agree on this one; masturbate, just for the experience and the knowledge

5. Luke Skywalker or Han Solo?
Duh, Han

6. Toy you always wanted but never got as a child?
Parental acceptance and love. My dad said we couldn’t afford it.

[ 7? 8? ]

9. What is the last movie you saw that actually scared you?
Spiderman 3 – how does this shit get made?!?!

10. Stupidest thing you've ever said?
I believe in a person’s inalienable right to say stupid shit; you gotta forgive yourself.

11. You're sentenced to death and its the morning of your execution:
Turn into a winged unicorn and use my magic horn to break out of prison and fly away farting rainbows and glitter as I soar!!!

12. What's something that most people do that you've never done?
Ignore their self-centeredness

13. Before you die you want to go to...?
A foreign planet, preferably one with a good buffet

14. What's the last thing you ate?
Some very dark chocolate Cathy gave me; for my health, of course.

15. A wild animal you'd like to have as a pet?
Timothy Williams – let’s see if he’s reading these!

16. A drug you'll never try?
I’ve pretty much well tried all I am going to try and am done with it all (except for ‘shrooms, which I secretly love but haven’t had in 15 years)

17. If you were an animal, what would you be?
Timothy Williams

18. If you had to marry someone you knew at the age of 12, who would it be?
I have no idea – if it were legal, I’d marry Matt Scaife for his money, cuz he and his parents were/are rich. I’d make sure there were no prenup and divorce him quickly, too. This is a pretty dumb question.

19. What's something a lot of people don't know about you?
That I am a Siamese contortionist with a knack for macramé sex

20. First celebrity crush?
Probably Carol Burnett, seriously.

21. What's a weapon to suit your personality, habits and abilities?
A very hot wind…it can come out of me from several sources.

22. Best flavor of Runts?
They’re called Little People!!! Jesus Christ, you un-PC muthafucker! (And I suppose my favorite flavor is one of the midget Oompah-Loompahs from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, cuz they’re like candy-flavored, right?)

23. Favorite breakfast bread style (pancakes, waffles, toast etc...)?
French Toast!

24. Favorite parody movie?
Agree with Meghan - Spinal Tap

25. Worst way to die?
Tortured

26. Grossest injury you've ever seen?
I saw a kid have his eye poked out by a toy arrow – that one does it for me!

27. The worst injury you've ever had?
Being born - my emo soul is permanently scarred

28. Favorite thing about Thanksgiving?
Seriously, the nap after you gorge yourself

29. Sport you hate the most?
Water sports

30. What state(s) in the US do you want to visit?
Hawaii, actually

31. What's something you think would be sweet to know everything about?
Me – fascinating subject!

32. Favorite Actor/Actress?
I have a lot but I wills say Ian McKellan, Meryl Streep – how come they’ve never done a film together?

33. What's one phrase you absolutely detest?
“What’s one phrase you absolutely detest?”

34. What makes an awesome party?
A late bust by the pork disco (police)

35. What's your favorite material obsession?
Except for the cat, which I don’t sincerely think I “own,” I could survive if it all burned.

36. What's something that most consider an insult but you enjoy having said about you?
He’s immature

37. Favorite kind of dog(s)?
Mid-sized mutts, like the ones my friends and I had that followed us around back in the day in Iowa

38. Favorite carnival food (everyone has one)?
Have to agree, corn dogs!

39. Morning or night person?
Night

[40?]

41. Weirdest Ebay purchase?
I s’pose the small Japanese wind-up clocks I get every so often

43. Its Saturday at 3am. Where are you?
I am an insomniac, so probably on the couch reading

44. Who's your favorite friend to go out with?
I go out mostly with David, but I don’t go out with people I dislike, so anyone. I miss the hell out of Sarah French! I actually had a dream recently that I was in a car with Christian Kelty and Peni Latosa ripping around town in the wee hours of the morning with some of Christian’s favorite music playing. The Smiths song “There is a Light That Never Goes Out” came on – good dream. I am a good road-tripper, actually.

45. Worst job you've ever had?
You’d think it would have been working in the gummi bear factory, but it’s really cleaning up hair at small town beauty shops.

46. What's something your friends make fun of you for?
My mom’s suicide – I have assholes for friends!

47. Favorite cereal?
Ah, no question, Golden Grahams, baby! Golden Fuckin’ Grahams all the way!!!!

48. Book you could read repeatedly?
I have tons - To Kill a Mockingbird, The Hours, My Antonia, Three Junes, Wonder Boys, Suite Francaise, Ready to Catch Him Should He Fall (which is really gay, but I think it’s beautiful), Brideshead Revisited, and Paris Out of Hand all pop to mind

49. What's the meanest thing you've ever done??
I am brutally honest with people, and then I seldom feel guilty.

50. If you were drafted into a war, would you survive?
No, I’d pull some dumb All’s Quiet on the Western Front bullshit, I’d guess.

Pissed at the Job Hunt

Four job hunt horror stories:

I cannot post these on my “positive” site, so I’ll post them here.

1) Got a call from an tres-exclusive agency that places HR people and people like me. The placement agency has an excellent job they want to pre-phone interview me for before they give my resume and contact information to the actual company for a possible phone interview. But first the pre-pre-phone interview. They called when the lawn people are out mowing and blowing shit all over right at my office window. The landscapers don’t show up for weeks, and then when they do, it’s right outside of my window the exact time this woman is trying to talk to me. I was half-tempted to ask, “Can I call you back after the yard lackeys are done?”

So, then a guy from the placement agency calls me back the next day at my house, and – ta-dah! – the fucking lawn people are there out blowing the sidewalks!

However, the landscapers got done two minutes into the phone call. The job is perfect – a director of training and development for a major hotel chain. But? Problem? I don’t get paid enough now in my current position to get considered for that future job, because IT’S LIKE $40,000K more than I am making now! Business never lets you make that jump.

David asked why they couldn’t just pay me less…

For the same job…

David’s company is smaller; he doesn’t understand they cannot “just pay you less.”

And I’d be working for a PhD with another PhD as an employee. We’ll see how that plays out. I am hoping my experience overseeing programs for over 9000 employees will count for something.

Anyway, even the CEO of my job has expressed that I am underpaid. Jason told me to give the tres-exclusive placement agency his contact info.

I also called a friend of Cathy’s who used to be management at the hotel chain to help me, but she hasn’t gotten back to me yet.

I do not think I’ll get the Director position, but if I can hold on a while, I may be able to get a manager position and get my foot in the door.

Oh, and they don’t like that I haven’t got any hospitality experience. Ummm, I’ve had 11 years working employee development with the greatest money-maker for the largest aerospace company in the world. Does this count for ANYTHING!

2) The second one is a doozy:

Surprise Surprise.

I fucking hate job hunting.

First of all, I had a call from a technical firm that specializes in contracting, recruiting, and consulting. I was jazzed about this, because the Chief Operating Officer (COO) had obviously done some background research on me; he knew about my resume, my work with clients, the company I currently work for, and my playwrighting. He was VERY excited to talk with me, although he admitted he was nervous about the office, which is a shoddy temporary site until the new place is build and modeled. I went in to see him a week ago Monday. Here is what I found. Hope you get a chuckle out of this, I ain’t laughing yet:

The “office” was this open space with a conference table and six old prefab desks with phones and computers in an open area and a very pregnant secretary. It has such a fly-by-night, shifty feel to it, like white trash version of the Boiler Room. Only two of the desks had people working. The carpet was stained. The place smelled like the dinosaur ride at Disney (moldy). There were three offices to the side for him, his DAD the VP of Sales (uh-oh), and his senior account manager. There was a small kitchen area and a bathroom they all share.

Okay, I’m okay with the setting, because he already said he’s moving. But his dad being VP of Sales, hmmmm?

Then I come to find out that, five years ago, the COO passed ownership over to his MOM up in Long Island (where the main office is) so they could qualify as a minority-owned business. Oh, and the step-dad works in there somehow up in Long Island, also. Yay, family politics!

Then I find – consulting, they don’t do so much. Mostly engineering contract recruiting. They do a GREAT job at this for one single reason. The COO – the son – is REALLY HONESTLY a tech geek who has created this brilliant web-based program that can qualify a candidate in detail for the technical job they’re trying to fill. The client can see it, the contract engineer can see it, the COO’S mom’s company owns it. And it’s very simple to read.

Then I find that this company has no organizational chart, no metrics, no employee training, no handbook, no NON-COMPETE clauses (!?!?!), no measurement of how each of their employees is doing, no JOB DESCRIPTIONS!?!?!? This guy is not a COO, he’s a tech geek with a brilliant idea. He believes his business isn’t growing simply because large corporations have several “gate-keepers” in staffing he needs to get past. That may be part of it, but the man has done NO operational or organizational structuring, no goal setting, no formal feedback for employees (and guess what? The turn-over is phenomenal!)

He says “We CAN do that, but we already know the answer…” WHO!?!?! WHO already knows the answer, because the new employees you keep chasing out the door don’t!

So. I am pitching to create a Business Operations Director position. I don’t think he is going to go for it for three reasons:
a) They are desperate for a recruiting manager and recruiters – they are down at least three people – now, I could do this to learn the business, but I don’t want to do it for more than, say, 6 months.
b) A Business Operations Director may enforce some structure, and I get the feeling that structure isn’t their strong point. Especially Poppa’s and Momma’s strong points… Love the family politics!
c) They are currently operating on the “make money fast” model, which is “working okay….(hesitantly, he said) – so I would be seen as overhead. I’d have to prove I lower attrition and save money and make jobs easier.

Add on top of that, I’d be working with a 38-person office run by a family!?!?! I have a trick for dealing with this, too. I would insist we use Parallel Thinking during all meetings, and that would circumvent the politics. But still… Oh, I can “school-marm” this into working, but there are some distinct challenges.

Plus, will they pay me what I am worth?

3) And three is short.
I also called up a company that needs a Learning Manager, because – except for one thing – I am perfect for that position.

The one thing is they want someone with Finance background.

Again, see note on 11 years experience with the most profitable business in the largest aerospace company in the world.

4) And my favorite – insurance companies looking for tele-sales people but doing EVERYTHING POSSIBLE NOT to tell you what the job is. Even the very reputable insurance companies, like Met Life, you have to call a live person and ask specifically if it’s a training, employee development, or organizational change job. And they always say, “All we currently have is openings in Sales.” Well, ya dumbfuck, when I’ve asked you in two emails and a voicemail the same question, DO NOT write or call me back for an interview. JUST ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION! If I was so desperate to take a telemarketing position, I wouldn’t ask the same fucking question three times to NOT get an answer. Why waste your time and mine!?!?! I’d be infuriated if I actually WENT to the interview and started to hear their bullshit pitch.

Judi Dench - 16 Going on 70

This is fucking hilarious - Judi Dench rocks!

Allow Me to Shamelessly Brag a Bit

I just got notified that a ten-minute play I wrote has been accepted at a play festival in Albuquerque! I sent it in with a little hope that the people who work for my company in Albuquerque could see it. I was hoping to see it myself, but I need to save up money now, since I am to be jobless June 28th (see http://searching4ajob.blogspot.com/)

The letter attached was very nice:

“Hello playwrights!

First of all I want to thank all of you for submitting your work to FUSION's 2nd annual new play festival, The Seven.

We received 325 submissions from 38 states as well as Russia, Spain, Mexico, Australia and England. To know that writers from Alaska to Montana to Arkansas to Maine took the time and creative energy to send us their dramatic work warms the cockles of this Literary Managers heart.

At a time when so many regional theatres are complaining about lagging ticket sales and disinterested audiences, I think they are overlooking something. That perhaps the reason audiences are thinning is that they've already seen The Glass Menagerie and Tuesdays with Maurie twenty times. People crave new stories, new characters, those uniquely and universal experiences that can only be expressed through live theatre. New voices must be encouraged, fostered and produced.

Our Final Seven Selections to receive full festival production June 21st- 24th are:

"Silver Men" by Amy Fox of Brooklyn, NY
"What I've Learned from Fair-Feathered Friends" by Virginia Fry of New York, NY
"Knocking Louder" by Tara Meddaugh of Harrison, NY
"7 Sonnets" by Stephen J. Miller of Orlando, FL
"Trace Evidence" by Jeff Stewart of Los Alamos, NM
"The Sentry" by Michael Tooher of Portland, ME
"The Magician and the Memory" by Michael Vukadinovich of Santa Monica, CA

In addition, we are pleased to announce that we have also selected seven pieces to receive a staged reading as part of our One Night Stand Cabaret in late June.
Those pieces are:

"Looking for Bruce" by Jami Brandli of Somerville, MA
"The Next New Life" by Gaylord Brewer of Murfreesboro, TN
"Butterflies" by Ken Brisbois of Los Angeles, CA
"The Last Beautiful" by Eric Dickson of New York, NY
"Third of Three" by Michael Elyanow of Hartford, CT
"Yours Till the Cows Come Home" by Ian Fraser of Somerville, MA
"The Tryst" by Rima Miller of Santa Fe, NM

FUSION already has plans for our 3rd annual Seven Festival June 19-22, 2008.
Our audiences will vote this fall on a new theme and submissions will be accepted January through May. Keep in touch with us for updates: www.fusionabq.org

Thanks once again to everyone and best in your writing!

Kind Regards,
Jen Grigg, Literary Manager
FUSION Theatre Co.700 1st Street NWAlbuquerque, NM 87102Ph: 505.766.9412Fax: 505.766.1096
www.fusionabq.org”

How Could David Not Love Her!!!

I was talking on the phone with David about what everyone always talks about - Bjork!

David's not a big fan, but then he's a New England WASP who doesn't believe in experimentation. All he ever experiments with is sex, and that's usually which hand to use...

Anyway, I observed that Bjork doesn't really reach out to meet her audience much. She just creates this kooky music, and then says, "No, I'm NOT coming to you! You come here!"

And then we added, "And I am in Iceland, so you have a very long, very cold swim ahead of you! Get to paddling!!!"

Here's her new video - she's weird and crazy - she stirs my love of absurdity. I am fucking addicted to this song!