A Couple CD Reviews

For those of us who love the Scissor Sisters, it would be hard to live up to the shear joy and massive hype of their first album. However, the sophomore release Ta-Dah comes damn close, even with some trippy sojourns through the dark nightlife of the Soul Train. Jake Shear’s falsetto and the band’s glittery dance music still sound like they’re channeling 1970s Elton and the Gibb brothers. But then again, when you have a successful formula, why change?

And the Scissor Sisters do have a pretty solid approach. By mixing B-52s every-concert’s-a-gay-party panache with updated disco gloss, they had the biggest UK album of 2004 with their debut, Return to Oz. Critics said things like “Thank God!” and “[this is] their first greatest hits album.” (The Scissor Sisters caused barely a blip in America, but then again, our Brit friends were always a little better at reveling in glam and weirdness. Bowie, anyone? Or for that matter, Boy George?)

On Ta-Dah, the party they started is still in full swing, but a few people are starting to get bitter! (Sadly, it’s bound to happen at every great gathering…) The danciest of many dancy songs on the album, one of the two that Sir Elton helped write, is entitled “I Don’t Feel Like Dancin’.” Some song lyrics even go so far as to say “I can’t decide whether you should live or die.” In short, the boogie-oogie-oogie sound of the first album is always there, but now it’s filtered through a strong sieve of regret and muted with a crunchy production that buzzes in your ear like coming down hard off of a handful of Studio 54-style Quaaludes.

The Scissor Sisters cannot keep this Me Generation dancefloor exorcism going on forever, true. So, the song “Intermission” has woe-is-me lyrics (think Morrissey or Rufus Wainwright), but it’s implemented with gorgeous string composition by the legendary Van Dyke Parks. “The Other Side” sounds like a particularly good Roxy Music homage (or plagiarism, take your pick.) Both tracks are good indications of where the band could go next.

The truth is Ta-Dah is a perfectly lovely if sometimes lyrically gloomy dance album. The Scissor Sisters wrest their strength not invention, but in re-invention. They have successfully mined and updated the 70s sound. And they do it with a true aficionado’s love. However, one feels the next time, the primary thing they’ll need to re-invent is themselves.

Indigo Girls fans are in for thick and thin. They commit, because each of IG’s eleven studio albums has a few tracks that are songwriting jems. However, you can separate the IG’s albums into two categories: those with great songs and interesting production, or those with great songs and ho-hum production. In the former category are their eponymous album, Rites of Passage, and Come on Now Social. In the latter, their last album and this one, Despite Our Differences.

The girls are basically a Southern lesbian Simon & Garfunkel: a folk duo - although they do have a slight, slight punk rock leaning. Emily Saliers and Amy Ray really need a producer who can capitalize on their anarchy, their experimentation, and their individuality. If not, IG albums sonically end up being the same stuff you can hear strummed out at any Borders or Barnes & Nobles on Saturday nights. Uber-producer Mitchell Froom completed a squeaky clean album, which means he wasn’t up to the task of helping define and refine these lovely melodies.

Sad, because Emily’s missive to Amy – the title track – is extremely personal and emotionally stirring. Amy’s “Dirt and Dead Ends,” an eulogy to a meth-addicted friend, is downright arresting. They’re always helped by brilliant craft on their part. One track is assisted by some lovely background growl from pop singer Pink. Sadly, Despite Our Differences is just hindered by an utter lack of imagination on producer Froom’s part.

Someone should write a play!

Here are some more I found online - not ALL of them refer to me, but enough of them do!

1. You refer to the yield of the tomato plants in your home garden as "deliverables."

2. You've succeeded in memorizing the morning and afternoon schedules of two major airlines' flights to your client's site.

3. You can execute five complex tasks simultaneously, but you can't remember what you had for breakfast that morning.

4. You have enough "vendor" ID badges for a royal flush and two pair.

5. You use so many acronyms you no longer know which are your company's, the client's or the software vendor's.

6. You feel naked without a laptop hanging from your left shoulder.

7. The project partner tries to hire you. (Happens ALL THE TIME!)

8. You start referring to your laptop by a cute name.

9. You are upset when you come home on Friday night and the lights aren't on, the bed isn't turned down, and there are no chocolates on your pillow.

10. "Vacationing" is spending an entire weekend in your own home.

11. You can call room service and order multiple entrees without looking at the menu. (Grilled cheese, baby!)

12. Your resume' looks like a phone book.

13. You use the words "paradigm", "granularity", and "robust" in a single sentence.

14. Someone mentions a 7:00 meeting and you say, "AM or PM?"

15. You cry when your laptop won't start.

16. You carry on a 5 minute conversation about data warehousing, then you ask what it means.
17. When other people speak of vacations in warm sunny places, you get a lost look on your face, cock your head to one side like a dog hearing a whistle, and say, "My last vacation was, um, it was, ah, um, er ....".

18. You write a workplan for your weekends.

19. Someone asks you what you do for a living, and you can't answer the question (OMG, am I sick of this one!!!)

20. Before starting the car, you insist on telling everyone where the emergency exits are.

21. Before stopping the car, you insist that everyone stay seated until the fasten seatbelts sign is off.

22. A good lunch consists of vending machine snacks.

23. A good dinner consists of vending machine snacks.

24. You insist that your friends submit time sheets at the end of the month so you can see what you missed.

25. You can tell the hotel staff what their room-rate policy is.

More about consulting

My friend Michelle - who used to be a consultant with wine companies in California - posted this. THEY'RE ALL TRUE!!!

You present the client your findings and:
- Without opening the report, they check its weight with their hand and say, "Is that it?"
- Your project scope was to do items A through G. You’ve gone further than you’re getting paid for and continue to do H through L. Client has a hissy fit when they realize that you have not done M through Z, even though they are clearly only paying from A through G. Client accuses you of "just trying to get me to pay for more services". (we can’t have that, can we?)
- Your client calls every day the week before a project is due to ask if it’s done yet. You tell them every day that it will delivered on the due date. You deliver it as promised and hear nothing from the client. You call a week later and the client says "Oh, I haven’t had time to read it yet".
- When they actually read the report and say, "Well, there’s really nothing in there that we didn’t already know" which is, to put it mildly, clearly BULLSHIT

You’re about to have the major presentation of findings meeting with the client and:
- The consultant who has done all the work is asked by a senior partner to compile a bullet point list of the key findings – which the senior partner then presents within three minutes of the meeting starting, thereby stealing ALL of the thunder from the consultant who actually has to complete the rest of the hour long meeting
- Said senior partner conveniently excuses themselves 10 minutes into the meeting
- Consultant who did the work (say, me) makes mental note in meeting that "DAMN I gotta become a senior partner one of these days…(or get the F out of consulting!!!)"
- (This one happened to me TWICE): Senior partner received bullet point list of key findings 2 days before meeting – but does not actually READ said document until they are IN the meeting WITH the clients. At this point, senior partner realizes that he has no f’ing clue what he’s talking about, and completely jumbles the meaning of everything that is written down. (Luckily, when he excuses himself 10 minutes later working consultant can actually present findings in a way that doesn’t sound like one of Jerry’s kids has the floor).
- OR – senior partner begins reading findings with recommendations and realizes while doing so in front of the client that he doesn’t agree with the corking consultant’s recommendations!!! This happened with one of the BIGGEST WINERIES IN THE WORLD. I had a really fun time getting grilled and defending my recs to the senior partner, and by the end of the meeting the client was totally thrilled with me and totally annoyed at the senior partner. Nonetheless all the wine they had brought for us as gifts was absconded with by said senior partner.

You spend months working diligently on a project and:
- Your client decides that although ALL of your points are valid and true, they really don’t want to do anything to change the way they do business anyway
- That although you’ve clearly understood the issues, they think that all of this will change if/when their wine just gets a good Parker rating (not that this has ever happened before) or they make a stupid statement like "we really just think we need to have a whole bunch of magazines write articles about us!!!" DUH – why didn’t I think of that? I’ll call Ted Turner right now and just have him run an hour long special on you on all his networks.
- And here’s my favorite (happened tooooo many times) - Your client LOVES your work, implements your ideas, sees a huge increase in business – and then refuses to allow you to tell anyone that you worked with them because they view you as a competitive advantage that they don’t want any of their competitors to know about!!!!

The Things I Love About Consulting

You are told by your client that you have to coordinate a part of your work with the Fantastic Name Department. So, you call someone in the FND only to find:
- They don’t know what the hell you’re talking about!
- They had an idea for something but were really waiting for you the consultant to finish your work for them to use as a template
- They don’t know who’s in charge or who can help you so you get ping-ponged from email to email or phone to phone for weeks
- They’re not done with their part, and yours is due on Tuesday, but that's okay - they’ll maybe have something done in late February (in most cases, I make the client pay an upgrade fee, but a few clients shitbricks on that)

You want to have private meetings with client employees, so they set you up in:
- A hallway with no phone (“Don’t you have a cell phone?”)
- The cafeteria
- A glassed –in office with no blinds on the windows
- A local Starbucks (sadly, this is true)
- My favorite – the boss’s office while he’s just “hanging around somewhere else…”

You ask for a room with computer, projection, and flipcharts, and they give you:
- An overhead projector and a box of flimsies to run black & white slides of your presentation (Do you know where a computer, a printer, or a copier are? NO!)
- A large roll of butcher paper and some tape to make your own flip chart paper on the wall like a home DIY project or a kindergarten art project!
- A computer with a 17-inch monitor (“Isn’t that big enough?”)
- “Don’t you have a personal laptop you can use???”

You are called in to mediate a termination, and you find:
- The person may be violent
- There is no paperwork whatsoever on past grievances
- The boss really wants a reason to fire the person (usually because they have such a bad attitude) and they want you to find one
- They don’t tell you the employee’s entire family died in a freak popcorn accident last Tuesday
- The boss is really the one who should be fired (Had one of those today; this lady should have never been given the power to supervise others)

The client employees start to get to know you, so they:
- Pull you aside every time you visit to tell you horribel things about their boss
- Ask you to help them update their resumes or cover letters free of charge (on their company’s time – the company that they are trying to interview out of, the same company that pays you. This is usually followed by a fascinating conversation about ethics and what a consultant does when a company pays him to "help employees" - meaning "NOT help employees out the door on the company's dime.")
- Put you on their email list where they send out chain mail about cancerous puppies or free bags of M&Ms or how God has blessed them
- Try to see if you can help their kid get a job somewhere else (God, this happens A LOT!)

Catching up on my Surveys

AND WOW DID I HAVE SOME CATHCING UP TO DO!!!

How tall are you barefoot?
My name ain’t barefoot, so I am skipping this one. (5’10”)

Have you ever been cheated on?
Yep, it was fun!

Do you own a gun?
Is that some sexual comment? (Yes, it ain’t in the house, and it doesn’t work.)

If you had a mental disorder, what would it be?
My family.

How many letters are in your crushes name?
I don’t have any crushes right now. Weird.

What do you think of hot dogs?
How did you know!?!?!?

Whats your favorite Christmas song?
“Cherry Pie” or anything by Whitesnake!

What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Yes, I do! What of it?

Do you do push-ups?
Only the Orange creamcicle kind

Have you ever done ecstasy?
No….I had to think about that though, no…not Ecstasy…

Do you have a boyfriend?
Jesus.

Do you like the rain?
Only if I am inside with a good book, jazz and a hot cup of tea (OMG, I am being honest!)

Do you own a knife?
It owns me.

What do you smell like?
David and I have the same cologne…A musky mix of rejection and failure.

Do you have A.D.D.?
I can add, is that the question? Look, a blimp!

Full initials?
LMAO, because I am Catholic by birth SJAEM


Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment:
1. I’m a keeping that one to myself!
2. What an interesting secret!
3. Nope, that’ll go with me to the grave!

Name the last 3 things you have bought today.
Haven’t bought anything today. Yesterday…Milk Duds, a triple hamburger at Wendy’s and a Diet Coke (to keep my weight down)

Name five drinks you regularly drink.
Water, milk/chocolate soy blend, Fresca, coffee, tea

What time did you wake up today?
Ah, another honest answer…which time?

Can you spell?
Yez I cun

Current worry?
A lot of times it’s money, but right now it’s also about Brangelina.

Current hate?
Suri Cruise and Satan, who I think are the same person.

Favorite place to be?
City Morgue – preferably getting drained and prettied up!

Least favorite place to be?
Strangersfingerupthebuttville

Where would you want to go?
I want to get back up to St. Augustine this fall…

Do you own slippers?
I think I threw them at a hobo recently.

Where do you think you’ll be in 10 years?
At the right hand of God

Do you burn or tan?
Myself or other people?

Yellow or Blue?
Green.

Would you give up your current life to be a pirate?
No, the salt air frizzes my hair.

Last time your cell rang?
August, 2004

What songs do you sing in the shower?
“Remember to Wash Your Naughty Bits” by The Supremes

What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
My dad. Serious.

What do you have in your pocket right now?
Nothing – I empty my pockets when I am home.

Last thing that made you laugh?
My suicide note

Favorite bed sheets as a child?
The plastic ones.

Worst injury you’ve ever had?
The frontal lobotomy was not good.

What is your GPA?
26 MPG

How many TVs do you have in your house?
No trannies in this house!

Who is your loudest friend?
The voice in my head.

Who is your most silent friend?
My conscience

Does someone have a crush on you?
Nope.

Do you wish on stars?
Just Bruce Willis – he never delivers.

Do you believe in magic?
Only when I set it up to work.

What song represents how you feel at the moment?
Pachelbell’s Canon in D played in minor on a saw.

What song did you last hear?
I Don’t Feel Like Dancin’ by The Scissor Sisters

What song do you want played at your funeral?
The Witch is Dead

What were you doing 12AM last night?
Getting home, chatting online

What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
Which time?

1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? Closed.

2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotels? Sometimes.

3. Have you ever 'done it' in a hotel room? Murdered someone? ….yes.

4. Have you ever stolen a street sign before? Only School Crosswalk signs and ALL THE TIME!

5. Do you like to use post-it notes? They use me!.

6. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? They NEVER use me!

7. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees? Which would kill me faster? That one.

8. Is it raining outside? Only inside.

9. Do you always smile for pictures? Most pictures are of my chocolate starfish, so it doesn’t matter.

10. What is your biggest pet peeve? Those “Are you depressed?” radio commercials asking you to become a lab rat for pharmaceutical companies. Yeah, that’s fixing the problem.

11. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? It’s a body bag, and I leave it unzipped…most of the time.

12. Do you ever count your steps when you walk? Should I!?!?!?!!?

13. Have you ever peed in the woods? Only on hobos sleeping.

14. Do you ever dance even if there's no music playing? Who says there ain’t music playing?

15. Do you chew your pens and pencils? Is this a sex joke?

16. How many people have you slept with this week? The 15 other guys in the drunk tank

17. Do you like popcorn from those big tins? I’m not telling! That's an embarrassing question!!!

18. What is your "Song of the week"? Death Cab for Cutie’s cover of Julian Cope’s “World, Shut Your Mouth!”

19. Is it okay for guys to wear pink? Only if the corsage compliments the dress.

20. Do you still watch cartoons? Only with my eyes closed.

21. What's your favorite scary movie? Lassie.

22. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? No, because those damn Goonies would find it!

23. What do you drink with dinner? My drink IS dinner.

24. What do you dip a chicken nugget in? The toilet.

25. What is your favorite food/cuisine? Spit-roasted hobo.

26. What movies could you watch over and over and still love? Surveillance camera film...

27. Do you have a bf/gf? Neither.

28. Were you ever a boy/girl scout? Both.

29. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? That’s so July Issue 2004 (pages 32-41)

30. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? I don’t know anyone on paper.

31. Can you change the oil on a car? Only if it REALLY wants to change.

32. Ever gotten a speeding ticket? Damn it…I HATE this question… My first one in my life was in August!

33. Run out of gas? No.

34. Favorite kind of sandwich?: Hobo.

35. Best thing to eat for breakfast? Pussy.

36. What is your usual bedtime? 6am

37. Are you lazy? Like a fox!

38. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? A child. I wore costumes the rest of the time.

39. Have you ever been to a dance club? No, they’re evil!

40. How many languages can you speak? In my head, 62.

41. Do you have any magazine subscriptions? Not telling you!

42. Which are better, legos or lincoln logs? I’m a democrat.

43. Are you stubborn? No, you’re just stupid!

44. Who is better...Leno or Letterman? I’ve never screwed them, so I don’t know.

45. Ever watch soap operas? They don’t sing, do they?

46. Afraid of heights? Wouldn’t know, haven’t reached them yet.

47. Sing in the car? Only with the windows open.

48. Dance in the shower? Only with the windows open....

49. Dance in the car? Only with the trunk open, and I don’t mean the car’s trunk!

50. Ever used a gun? Yep, ALL the time. LOVE IT!!!!

1. Would you get back with your last ex if you could? No, that’s the lazy approach to suicide.

2. What color shirt are you wearing? Flesh – I took off my dress shirt.

3. Would you kiss anyone on your friends list? Have.

4. Do you have a 'thing' for someone on your friends list? I have a book for Joshie, does that count?

5. How many people on your top friends list do you know in real life? None.

6. How many kids do you want to have? Standard answer: “That depends; what kind of dipping sauce do they come with?”

7. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? They’re dead, so…yes.

8. What name would you want besides the one you have? GWAR

9. Would you ever make out with someone of the same sex? Only after the roofie kicked in

10. What did you do for your last birthday? Cried.

11. What's your main ringtone on your phone? A hobo dragging sheet metal across rough concrete

12. What time did you wake up today? See above

13. What were you doing two nights ago? Breathing

14. Do you like having your hair pulled? Only the curlies

15. Name something you can't wait to do. Fail, apparently.

16. Last time you saw your mom November 18, 1978

17. What is one thing you wish you could change about yourself? Me.

18. If you had $250,000, what would you do with it? Finally quit worrying

19. How long have you worked at your current job? It will be six years in Febriary

20. Have you ever talked to Tom? I know lots of Toms, so yes.

21.Describe the underwear you have on? Fairy boxers weaved with spider webs and poison ivy

22. Last thing you ate? Whatever was under my fingernail

23. What's your favorite month? Febtober.

24. Your least favorite month? Januarch

25. What's the last piece of clothing someone borrowed from you? My bra and panties…

26. Who is getting on your nerves right now? Me.

27. Most visited webpage? www.WhoIsFryingBologne?.com

28. Last person you text messaged? God

29. Last person to make you sad? God

30. Would you take a bullet for your best friend? Take it where, to Disney?

31. Favorite kind of drink?
Alcoholic: Yes
Non-Alcoholic: Only if you add alcohol

32. Favorite food? Fresh

33. Favorite dessert? Rack of Ribs A La Mode

34. Have you been to Europe? The band!!?!?!

35. If someone you hated died, what would you do? Send a Thank You note

I WANT: to be finished with this
I HAVE: a ways to go
I WISH: I could just stop. Really.
I HATE: Me.
I MISS: Me.
I HEAR: Me.
I REGRET: Me.
I LOVE: really Jewishy Jews
I ACHE: Yes.
I ALWAYS: am inconsistent, on that you can bet.
I AM NOT: worth a long term relationship with myself
I DANCE: only to injure others
I SING: only to injure others
I CRY: only to injure others
I LOST: yes, I did.
I CONFUSE: Me.
I NEED TO LEARN: How to forget everything I learned

I SHOULD: injure others.

[ YES OR NO, YOU]
1. KEEP A DIARY?: Nep
2. KEEP A SECRET JOURNAL?: Nep
3. SET YOUR WATCHES A FEW MINUTES AHEAD?: Always
4. BITE YOUR FINGERNAILS? Yep!!!
5. BELIEVE IN LOVE?: There is no scientific evidence.

[DO YOU]:1. HAVE A/ANY CRUSH(ES)?: Nope.
2. THINK YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN IN LOVE?: Nope.
3. HAVE ANY TATTOOS?: Only of Ernest Borgnine
4. PIERCINGS?: My uvula – it’s the thingy at the back of the throat, David! Not the vulva!
5. THINK YOU ARE A HEALTH FREAK?: I would be if I weren’t so fat.

[WHEN YOU SEE THIS NAME YOU THINK OF?]
BRYAN: Boitano
DOUG: my own grave
WILL: & testament
VICTORIA: Queen
RHONDA: Help me!

[FAVORITE]:
NUMBER: pi
COLOR: Dark autumn heleiotrope
MONTH: See above
SONG: The Death march from Star Wars
FOOD: Alcohol
DRINK: See above
VEGGIE: Christopher Reeves until he died.
FRUIT: Tom Cruise

[IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU?]
CRIED?: I haven’t stopped
BOUGHT SOMETHING?: Yes.
GOTTEN SICK?: of myself.
GONE TO THE MOVIES?: Yep
GONE OUT FOR DINNER?: Nope
WRITTEN A REAL LETTER?: Nope
SAID "I LOVE YOU"?: Yes
WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL?: No
MISSED SOMEONE?: Yes
FOUGHT WITH YOUR PARENTS?: Yes, harder now they’re dead, though
FOUGHT WITH A FRIEND?: No

[WOULD YOU EVER]:
1. EAT A BUG?: Can you give me $250,000 for it?
2. BUNGEE JUMP?: Can you give me $250,000 for it?
3. HANG GLIDE?: Can you give me $250,000 for it?
4. KILL SOMEONE?: Can you give me $250,000 for it?
6. PARACHUTE FROM A PLANE: Can you give me $250,000 for it?
8. WALK ON HOT COALS?: Can you give me $250,000 for it?
9. GO OUT TO EAT WITH A COMPLETE STRANGER? Can you give me $250,000 for it?
11. BE A VEGETARIAN?: Can you give me $250,000 for it?
12. WEAR PLAID WITH STRIPES?: Can you give me $250,000 for it?1
4. SING KARAOKE?: Can you give me $250,000 for it?
17. RUN A RED LIGHT?: Can you give me $250,000 for it?
19. BE ON SURVIVOR?: No.
22. MAKE SOMEONE CRY?: Can you give me $250,000 for it?
23. KICK A BABY?: Can you give me $250,000 for it?
24. DATE SOMEONE MORE THAN TEN YEARS OLDER THAN YOU?: Can you give me $250,000 for it?
25. STAY UP ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT?: Can you give me $250,000 for it?

[THE LAST PERSON WHO]:
1. SLEPT IN THE SAME BED WITH YOU? Didn’t get the name, it was a customer.
2. SAW YOU CRY? See above, it was the customer.
3. MADE YOU CRY? Damn Customer
4. WENT TO THE MOVIES WITH?: Avis and Kate
5. WENT TO DINNER/LUNCH WITH? I think it was my brother and his wife – haven’t eaten out a lot…
6. YOU TALKED ON THE PHONE WITH?: Sarah, who is lovely and amazing
7. SAID "I LOVE YOU" TO YOU AND REALLY MEANT IT?: Sarah
8. MADE YOU LAUGH?: Sarah
9. HUGGED YOU: Me.
10.TEXTD YOU: The Evil Lord Kromdar...again...
11.YOU CALLED: Sarah
12.SENT U AN EMAIL: Marcie
13.SAID U WERE BEAUTIFUL: Satan
14.SAW U NAKED: Satan
15. MADE YOU SCREAM: Satan
16. ANNOYED YOU: Me.
17. HURT YOU(emotionally): Me.
18. CALLED U A NAME: Me.

[TEN EMOTIONS]:
1. Are you missing someone right now?: Me.
Where's 2?
3. Are you talking to anyone right now?: No
4. Are you bored?: a little
5. Are you German?: Barely
6. Are you Irish?:Yup
7. Are you French?: No
8. Are you Italian?: No
9. Are your parents still married?: In Hell
10. Do you like someone right now? No

[TEN FACTS]:
1. Hometown: Sadville
2. Hair color: Flesh
4. Hair style: Nope.
5. Eye color: Red
6. Shoe size: 11 1/2
7. Mood: Giddy with depression
8. Skin color: Light light light light light African American
9. Available?: OK, just leave your $20 in the nightstand…
10. Lefty/righty: Yes.

My brother's visit - LOOOOONG

I never post this long:

Friday night
- His wife is 44 (turned 45 on Sunday) and has never flown on a plane. They flew on Delta, and the airline lost their luggage so they were an hour later getting out of the airport.

- Somewhere in here, we had our first of several anti-Mexican comments. I lost count after the first few dozen.

- We ate at Wildside – Cuban-influenced BBQ, they really liked it.

- At Wildside, we had a family to our left, but there were two tables behind us with lesbians (one was a table of black lesbians) and two tables with gay men (one of which had people joining them constantly with kissing, hugging, and squeals of delight each time.) There was also a big table of Goth kids and a local band (I can’t think of their name), and a small ensemble were playing jazz later. Neither my brother nor his wife made any derogatory comment, which is amazing.

- We stopped and saw one of my best friends – a man who manages Urban Think Bookstore downtown, and who always greets me with a hug. My brother walked to the far end of the store when he saw that…

- We drove around town, and I showed them Ivanhoe, College Park, Winter Park, Audubon, and Baldwin. We stopped by Loch Haven Park and the big tree, both of which they seemed to like.

- I show them David’s house. As of this point there are no anti-gay comments.

- When we got home, my neighbors (and good friends) were having a cookout. John and Dahly are PR; and I was scared to death my brother would make another anti-Mexican comment, but he refrained.

- My brother used my cell phone to yell at Delta…a lot…about the missing luggage. I kept praying he would hand me the phone, because I really good at gently getting what I want…he yells.

- My brother broke his four week stint of non-drinking and had six beers.

- Ah, here come the gay jokes. Fun… He, of course, means no harm, right, before he leaps into another…

- We went to bed.

Saturday
- I called the luggage people and sweet-talked them into bringing my brother’s luggage first. We got it at 8:40am.

- I text Kate to join us for breakfast, but she doesn’t get the text.

- We eat at Paulie’s – they have a hot sauce a lot like Tobasco.

- We went out to the ocean – Cocoa – where my brother’s wife saw the ocean for the first time. She loved it. It does feel good to show people something for the first time (see my Sunday night mistake for when this goes wrong…)

- Did I mention the anti-Mexican comments. They were accompanied by racist jokes – starting with the Mexicans and moving to all spics, gooks, wops, etc… I started talking politics to get him to shut up.

- A hustler propositioned me in front of my brother.

- I forgot to put sunscreen on the tops of my feet, and they burnt a little. My brother refused to wear any sunscreen and ended up looking like a British tourist.

- We went into Ron Jon’s, which my brother and his wife simply loved and bought LOTS of stuff.

- We had a late lunch at Shark Bites, which we ALL agreed was overpriced. So, we did agree on this!

- On the way back into town, my brother started telling me about how God talked to him in a dream.

- We drove back in one of the worst downpours I’ve seen in a while. This thunderstorm made Ernesto seem like a light drizzle.

- I showed them International Drive, so they could see the tourist areas.

- We stopped by Super Target where they bought 7 six-pack bottles of beer.

- We stopped downtown and saw my sometimes office. My brother made some crack about it being too nice for the likes of me…

- They insisted on eating leftovers from Wildside and drinking beer. John and Dahly were having another cookout. This is where my brother’s wife commented that the Puerto Ricans are a cleaner, nicer, more educated spic than the Mexicans…

- Ah, here’s where he got drunk and pulled me back into my place to apologize for everything he ever did to me. Which, he wasn’t the worst – that honor is saved for a tie between my oldest brother and my dad (for entirely different things).

- And then he sat and told his wife in detail all the crappy things everyone did to me as a child. That was fun. Like an exorcism. Or a redneck “This is Your Life.”

- In here somewhere, he got to outline all the terrible things that happened to him, all the while making sure I knew he didn’t see any of that was as bad as what happened to me. Joy… Because I really want to relive it.

- Now, we get into why I am gay. It’s either my oldest brother’s or my stepmother’s fault, but it’s sure sad it happened.

- He then said he wished I lived closer to them in Oklahoma City. Yeah, hmmm, no!

- He then wants me to recount in detail my gay history and whether I think anything caused it. Because he’s a little drunk, I successfully sidestep this conversation.

- His wife wanted to see one of my plays on video, so I showed them a short one – kind of comic, kind of drama. She got up and left halfway through, and my brother – who by now is seriously drunk, cried at the sadder stuff, saying he knows I wrote it because I am somehow terribly emotionally scarred. And then went on to re-apologize for everything he apologized for an hour earlier.

- We went to bed.

Sunday
- More anti-Mexican comments inserted here.

- My sister-in-law decided my coffee-maker needed cleaning so she submersed it in soapy water, thereby ruining it forever.

- My brother threw an empty beer bottle in the sink, breaking off the handle of one of my coffee mugs, which I love and have kept unbroken for 12 years.

- I forgot to call my friend Kate again, making it two mornings in a row I have dissed her on accident. I have to do a serious Mea Culpa for this.

- Wow, those Mexicans sure sound like trouble!

- I went and got the Sunday morning paper and a new coffee machine. I sat on the back porch swilling caffeine and tearing through the paper like it was a normal Sunday.

- My brother and I sit on the back porch and relive the fist fight he had with my other brother that made me swear to never go back to Oklahoma. There is no apology for ruining the first time us 11 kids were together in 20 years.

- Those Mexicans are starting to make me nervous.

- We ate breakfast at Christo’s – they liked it – more Tobasco sauce and racial comments about Mexicans added here.

- I took them to Wekiva Springs, which they really loved. However, my sister-in-law refused to want to go canoeing – even though it was a lovely day – so I had another hour I had to cover later. Because their visit is like – How will I fill the time till they have to leave so that they don’t get so drunk they get into a fist fight or decide to graffiti a cop car or something…

- We went to Flea World, because I knew they’d love it, and they did. Even with all the Hispanics.

- Here’s a conversation that actually happened at Flea World:
Brother: (To the tune of “Overture to the Marriage of Figaro”) De de de, dah dum dum. De de de, dah dum dum. Dee dee duh-dee. Dee-dee duh-dee, dee-dee duh-dee, dum dum dum dum!

Me: You know what song that is?

Brother: Nope, couldn’t give a shit less. (Starting singing it again)

Me: (Interrupting) It’s “The Overture to the Marriage of Figaro.”

Brother. So? (Continues)

Me: You know who it’s by.

Brother: Can’t say as I give a fuck.

Me: It’s by Mozart.

Brother: Now, you know I’ll just forget that in about 30 seconds. (Continues his redneck version of “The Overture to the Marriage of Figaro.”)

- My brother buys his wife sandals at Flea World for her birthday, (but to be honest, this trip is also her birthday present).

- Bad, evil, ugly Mexicans.

- We leave Flea World and go and see the two oldest cypress trees in America – The Senator and Lady Liberty. They really like this, too, which is good, because this is how I cover for that extra hour after we didn’t go canoeing.

- My sister-in-law has decided she loves Orange Blossom Pilsner Beer, so we go on a hunt to find some – they buy two cases! They’re only here one more night!

- We go home and they start in on the Pilsner.

- Wow, I am starting to hate the Mexicans, too!

- Cathy comes home and ignores my brother and his wife to go on a 40-minute monologue about her brother’s wedding in Fort Wayne. Really, I thank God for this interruption.

- We go around town and take a few more pictures.

- My sister-in-law admits she wishes I would marry Cathy… And then maybe we could move closer to Oklahoma City… My brother wants me to marry David and then move to Oklahoma City.

- I take them out for very Americanized Vietnamese. Because I know my brother loves it (he was stationed in South Vietnam in the late 80s). I figure my sister-in-law will like it, too. She was a trooper, but this food is NOTHING like what she’s used to, so she says “It’s good, but it’s completely different from what I am used to, so I probably wouldn’t go out of my way to eat it.” …great… My brother thinks it’s amazing, though.

- I swear, I am going to punch the next motherfucking Mexican I see!!!

- They go home and drink some more, and we have another little mini-exorcism which I cut short with a lot of joking.

- We got to bed.

Monday
- They pack, and I arrange for Cathy and David to join us for breakfast. No bad comments about David’s effeminacy, which is good, because I am about at the end of my rope.

- Breakfast at Paulie’s. They act funny when I tell the server that we want separate checks (my friends and I always eat this way.)

- I show them my other office on the way to the airport.

- One more plea for me to move to Oklahoma.

- They are on the plane and gone.

- I have no answers for what you do with a family that seems permanently broken, unfixable. I have no answers for why I am related to so many people I try so hard but cannot seem to connect to. I am still going through post-traumatic stress, but when the shock wears off, I am going to cry like a kid hearing that Santa just died.