Two Surveys

A Survey from James...

Have you ever changed your clothes while in a vehicle?
I've even swapped clothes in a moving cop car with the arresting officer, not much of a story, really, just something kinky

What's something you MUST do before you die?
Breathe?

Are you single? Do you want to be?
Yup. At the decrepit age of 37 and weighed down by all this egotistical not-so-horrible-but-prized baggage, I've sincerely ceased to care.

What's one thing you will not eat?
Concrete

What color is your underwear?
Got you! I am not wearing any!

When's the last time you went out of state?
Of consciousness? I am in a coma right now.

What's your birthstone?
Talc

Have you ever drank milk straight out of the carton?
Not as an adult, but as a kid in school with the little cartons, yup.

Can you hula hoop?
As long as I don't have that damn plastic ring, I can!

Have you ever crawled through a window?
NO, and don't believe Sarah French if she tells you opposite! (It was a cool house, but overpriced…)

Any cool scars?
Ooo, a subject I can get into
- A scar between my eyes from getting my nose broken when my brother Chris tripped me on a lake of ice one winter.
- A small, chicken-pox-like scar on my cheek from a spider bite – I'm allergic to spiders
- A line under my bottom lip from the same incident with my prick brother and the ice
- A scar on my right ribcage where – in a late-night hide & seek game – Richie Baker pushed me into his mailbox.
- A couple nasty scars on my back my brother Jim gave me that he will pay for in the afterlife, I'm sure (It wasn't a great ninth birthday, to say the least)
- A nasty scar on my right thumb from having a package punch go through my hand at a gummi bear factory (this is true)
- Another scar between my third and fourth finger where the doctors had to take some less-used muscle out to rebuild my thumb after the gummi bear factory accident.
- A small scar on my left ring finger near the nail from an art student on alcohol and drugs. We were in ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Venice, Italy. She was using an art pencil to draw on a bar napkin a sexual position she wanted to try with me, and she got excited and stabbed me in the finger with her pencil.
- One on the back of my right hand where my Mom did something impetuous when she was drunk – I was seven, and she was devastated after she saw what she did.
- A nasty bite scar on my right index finger where I was trying to breed a wild bull snake with a sweet, kind one named Martha – I guess the male was gay, because he'd rather bite me than breed with my sexy sweet Martha.
- A faded dog bite on the back of my left thigh from a crazy dog named Buck whom my step-mother made sure was put to death.
- A nasty scar near my ballsack where Lori Oettl wrecked her car into some barbed wire on my eighteenth birthday, and I was climbing over the stretched barbed wire when it snapped and sunk into my upper thigh. Thank god I didn't leave my balls flapping in the breeze on that fence! (Now that I look back, birthdays haven't been good for me.)
- A knife wound on my right asscheek from a bar fight with Walter Cronkite, Hunter S. Thompson, and Charo on a wild Wednesday night in Guadalajara
- EDIT - Also, in a phone call to my brother, he reminded me he accidentally kicked my ankle into the sprocket of his bike when I was four and the sprockets bit almost clean through my heel. My mom was HORRIFIED! That was a terrible clinic experience! I was four and scared shitless. I am surprised I forgot it.
- (One of these is a lie)

Name an old school song you like?
"Rio" by Duran Duran.

Do you talk to yourself?
I don't think I do, do I? Wait, I think I did when I….remember? What? That one time when you went to that place by the thing we went to that one time to get away from you-know-who… Oh, ha ha, yes, I remember that, that was funny! Ahhhh... Sigh! Good times!

How much does your dog weigh?
Much less now that he's dead, thanks for bringing it up, prick!

Ever waxed your legs?
Gah, no! But I've done my balls.

Earrings or necklaces?
Ear-necklaces – they're earrings that connect from one ear to the other under your chin!

Who have you talked to most today?
Cathy's aunt Terry, and then, sadly, my cat….and then Marcie…

Who's on speed dial?
I call David and Cathy the most

Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot?
Some, mostly I think they are :-

Are your grades good?
They were excellent back in the day

Do you have a song by ozzy osborne in your library?
Nope

Do you watch Family Guy regularly?
Nope

Have you ever watched a little kids show?
Yup

What is your favorite Disney movie?
"Beauty and the Beast," "Mulan," and for reasons I cannot go into "Lilo & Stitch"

What is your Zodiac sign?
Aqua-Virgitarrius

What makes you feel like a little kid?
My diapers

What sport do you dislike most?
That one on Marathon Man

What's your favorite smell?
Rotted hobo flesh

Do you care what others think about you?
Nope, and that is why I never hesitate to tell people David is my best friend.

What do you do when you're driving?
Recently, on the way to work, I actually have those little tooth-picky things with the floss and I floss. Today, it was replay the sex dream I had last night about the beautiful woman with the perfect breasts and a serious control-freak sex drive (I scare myself…)

Do you follow college football?
ep, I follow it right over the cliff.

Where was the last place you went shopping?
Oriental Market for Pocki sticks - suffah, Sarah French!!!!

Favorite football team?
The one with the stripes

Do you watch the Olympics?
Nope

Do you have a favorite number?
4, 7, 13 and pi

Were you an outcast in middle school?
Some and some not, mostly people pitied me because they knew about my family and my alien birth

Are you multitasking right now?
Kinda, I am slow-cooking some meet to go over pasta

Could you handle being in the military?
If it's like gay porn, yes

Do you believe in Karma?
If there isn't Karma, then why in the hell is my life so shitty. I have to be paying for something in a past life!!!

What is your school mascot?
Highschool, the panthers – College, the yellow jackets – Masters, the knights

How is the weather today?
Was perfect, now overcast but still nice.

And from Marcie

1 . If you were to attend a costume party tonight, what or whom would you go as?
I'd go as Kate Moss

2. What are your choice of toppings on a hamburger?
Crack and crack and cocaine and crack…ooo and mustard

3. You are chosen to have lunch with the President. The condition is you only get to ask one question. What do you ask?
If you were to be truly empathetic toward the people who think you are retarded and dangerous, without justifying ANYTHING for yourself, what are your enemies viable reasons for thinking so badly of you? (This question would probably just confuse him)

4. It's your first day of vacation, what are you doing?
Mail the suicide note to my book publisher

5. What is your concession stand must-have at the movies?
I still like the occasional Milk Dud!

6. What do you think Captain Hook's name was before he had a hook for a hand?
Captain Funny French Moustache

7. Rock, paper, or scissors?
Gun

8. How long was it from "the first date" until the proposal of marriage?
Eternity

9. Which is worse, being in a place that is too loud or too quiet?
Too loud. I'm pretty tolerant of noise, so too loud would be deafening

10. What is one quality that you really appreciate in a person?
Trying to buy me off as a friends with scads of their family's cash and possessions

11. At the good old general store, what particular kind of candy would you expect to be in the big jar at the counter?
Rock Candy Pops

12. What is the most distinguishing landmark in your city?
Everyone knows Orlando's, in my little town of Creston, Iowa, the old train depot, which is now the city hall

13. Everyone hears discussions that they consider boring. What topic can put you to sleep quicker than any other?
Sports, medical procedures on old people, and personal problems (marital squabbles) and such, Brett and Nicole!

14. If you had to have the same topping on your vanilla ice cream for the rest of your life, what topping would you choose?
I'd love some Hot Piping Marcie, but instead I'll steal her answer: Hot caramel

15. What food item would need to be removed from the market altogether in order for you to live a healthier, longer life?
Pickled Cotton Swabs

16. You are offered an envelope that you know contains $50. You are then told that you may either keep it or exchange it for another envelope that may contain $500 or may be empty. Do you keep the first envelope, or do you take your chances with the second?
I'll do the second envelope, cuz I started with nothing

17. If you had to choose, which would you give up: cable TV, or DSL/cable internet?
Cable TV. I have.

18. What is your highest level of education?
Master's

19. How much is a gallon of gas in your city?
$2.99.9 the last I filled up, you gas-pricing speculationist BASTARDS!

20. What kind of lunch box did you have as a kid?
None, we got school meals through government assistance – dead serious

21. What would you rather have, a nanny, a housekeeper, a cook, or a chauffeur?
Housekeeper

22. Would you rather be trapped in an elevator or stuck in traffic?
Traffic – I am a bit claustrophobic

23. Let's say a brick fell on your foot and your kid is standing right next to you, what is your clean version of swearing?
My kid – if I had one – would be Irish, so I'd just scream FUCK. Someone else's kid, I'd have to show some discretion.

Another Musician I Love

Here's another musician I love. He's the brother of Sean Penn. That same little birdy got me a bootleg of the greatest hits. If Michael Penn toured with Crowded House, and they made a stop in central Florida, my butt would eat my own underwear!!!

I am happy CNN did this story about him.
http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/Music/04/25/michael.penn/index.html

Musician finds second act -- and Second Life
POSTED: 12:44 p.m. EDT, April 25, 2007 ]
By Todd Leopold
CNN

LOS ANGELES, California (CNN) -- The music business is a fickle partner, and Michael Penn has seen it at its backslapping best and door-closing worst.

In 1989, he was a hit. His single "No Myth" broke into the Top 20; the album it came from, "March," also sold well.

And then -- not much.

Despite good reviews, the follow-up CD, 1992's "Free-for-All," struggled to peak at No. 160 on Billboard's album charts. His record label, RCA, dropped him. Epic picked him up for 1997's "Resigned" and 2000's "MP4: Days Since a Lost Time Accident," but his fifth album, "Mr. Hollywood Jr. 1947," was released on his own Mimeograph label.

"It was definitely a crash course in how the music business works, and also how the corporatization of music was affecting the musical choices and the artistic choices of what were going on. It was a tough period for me," Penn, smoking a cigarette in the late-February chill on a Los Angeles coffee shop patio, recalls of having the carpet pulled out from under him.
"All my support left after the first single off the first album. ... The company was taken over by another guy who was not a fan of mine or didn't know me from Adam, and all my support systems went away."

So Penn, 48, was surprised when he received a call from Legacy, the archival arm of his former record companies, now merged into Sony/BMG. With his major-label catalog under one roof, Legacy wanted to put out a best-of collection, and they wanted Penn's assistance.
He's still bemused by the gesture. "I felt like they didn't have to do that -- they didn't have to call me."

So, yes, he got involved. In return, Legacy has issued "Palms & Runes, Tarot & Tea: A Michael Penn Collection" -- complete with a handful of demos and alternate versions of Penn songs, and sequenced by the man himself -- along with a remastered "Mr. Hollywood Jr. 1947," about which Penn is particularly pleased.

"I put it out on my own imprint, and there wasn't much distribution. Also, I never mastered the record, which we did this time because Sony has some great people," he says.

Trying 'not to repeat myself'

In one sense, it probably was to be expected that Penn would seek a career in the spotlight. His parents are director Leo Penn and actress Eileen Ryan; his two brothers, Sean and the late Chris Penn, also went into acting.

Michael Penn, though, preferred music. He loved the Beatles and had some success with a band called Doll Congress, which featured his future collaborator, Patrick Warren. When Doll Congress broke up, he did a little acting -- according to Allmusic.com, you can find him in an episode of "St. Elsewhere" -- but thanks to a 1987 appearance on "Saturday Night Live," he got back into music and put "March" together.

Though his lyrical style has changed somewhat over the years -- earlier songs were more abstract, more punning ("Brave New World," off "March," is a classic variation of "Highway 61 Revisited") -- his songwriting has tended to stress delicate, hook-laden melodies with an undercurrent of yearning, a desire for love that sometimes won't work out.

"What if I were Romeo in black jeans?" he asked in "No Myth." "I just screwed this up/At least I think I have .../The times come when all your love is drained," he sang in "Drained." "You lost your whole world/And it was all over/The heart of a girl," he mused in "Bucket Brigade."
The themes are similar, but expressed so distinctly -- the subject of much effort, he says.

"I always try so hard not to repeat myself, not to do something I've heard before," he says. "It definitely cuts into my output."

Beyond big labels, record charts

He'll always write songs -- "I have so many orphans," he notes of his unfinished output -- but in recent years he's ventured into movie music, including last year's "The Last Kiss." He also composed the score for Paul Thomas Anderson's "Hard Eight" and "Boogie Nights" (he played a small role in the latter) and inspired Anderson to write "Magnolia."

Penn, you see, has an interest in skeptic Charles Fort and Fort's study of unexplained phenomena, a subject that infuses "Magnolia." "Fort's an old favorite writer of mine and I find him incredibly entertaining," Penn explains. "Paul couldn't get me to shut up about Fort."

"Magnolia" also gave Penn's wife, Aimee Mann, a big boost by using a number of her songs on the soundtrack. (One of them, "Save Me," was nominated for an Oscar.) Penn, Mann and manager Michael Hausman formed the cooperative United Musicians, an organization that has allowed songwriters to issue their material on their own labels and retain copyright ownership.

So while Penn is happy with Legacy's attention, he's moved on. In fact, while the big labels are still issuing CDs and trying to cope with the vagaries of the Internet, Penn is ready to travel to cyberspace. He's a big fan of the interactive site Second Life, and he's trying to figure out a way to take his music to its environs.

"I don't think I've been as inspired creatively since I first got my first Macintosh in '84," he says. "It uses the technology of the World Wide Web in a way that's both entertaining and immerses one in an experience, and I'm going to find a way somehow to make it part of what I do -- [and] not in a normal way of a concert and an avatar."

He describes an elaborate plan he had for "Mr. Hollywood," in which the music -- instead of coming out on CD -- would have been released as a chip enclosed in a distinctive package, to be sold on eBay. In the real world, such a release would be impractical (at best), but "in Second Life, I can do that," he says.

So what about the old-fashioned music business? Like getting on the radio and topping the charts?

Penn, fittingly, has mixed feelings.

"I wouldn't balk at having a hit single, because it would allow me some of the freedom to do some of the things I want to do," he says. "By the same token, I would be suspicious of my own work if I did."

Here's one of my favorite songs from him. Good for seven days.
http://download.yousendit.com/1C3D531E595940A7

A Long-Winded Mash Note to Rufus!

A little, white-haired birdy with borderline paranoia pointed me to a source for the bootleg of Rufus Wainwright's upcoming album, Release the Stars.

Back when Rufus Wainwright was just starting out, some wise person at Dreamworks records teamed him up with composer/producer Van Dyke Parks. Parks – of Beach Boys orchestral fame - provided the rich chamber flourishes that made Rufus’ drunk, gay cabaret into excessive art. We all could have decided right then and there that Wainwright was only providing the quant, schmoozy torch songs equally touched with his parents’ skill at folk songs and his own love of opera, Garland, and schmaltz.

However, every producer that has worked with Rufus since his emergence seems to understand that Mr. Wainwright works best a little lovingly overdone. Rufus is truly the rococo art version of rock cabaret; adding a little more only seems to make it better! French dance mixer Pierre Marchand, Madonna-tronica producer Marius deVries, and now even Pet Shop Boy Neil Tenant all have met Rufus on his own ground for five albums. Because these producers all seem to understand that he has already created a world worth exploring; their productions are never great departures from the strings and horns of his first album.

Rufus may not be for everyone, but if you are even slightly amenable to his woozy, scooping baritone and his melodramatic work, he is quite simply the best there is.

That being said – wow! To test the rococo theory of “more is never enough”, producer Neil Tenant opens Release the Stars with “Do I Disappoint You.” The pleasant acoustic guitars and sitar hums at the start open up to a High Holy chorus replete with banshee-yelling backups (provided by Rufus’ sister, Martha). Tom-toms and bongos give way to kettle drums. Trilling flutes pave the way for a full Wagnerian orchestra with battle-cry French Horns. And Rufus is singing at the top of his lungs, “Why does it always have to be chaos!?!”

The rest of the album is pure Rufus. If his songs don’t completely reach gay Nirvana, it’s in the mood he employs. He works well tongue-in-cheek, he can be devilishly charming, his joyful songs are lovingly tinged with sadness; but his tired, ennui-filled songs somewhat create that mood. When he sings, “I’m so tired of you, America,” (In “Going to a Town”) I can tell, because he sounds ready to pass out into an alcohol-induced stupor. A little, righteous rage would’ve lifted this song a bit.

But then there’s “Tulsa,” a little two-and-a-half minute love song of sickly sweet excess that the Sooner State doesn’t really deserve! There’s the charming tome to the unrequited love of a straight boy called “Nobody’s off the Hook,” with its simple piano and swaying strings; it’s hard not to smile hearing it. The glorious Spanish trumpets make “Slideshow” soar. There are lyrics, “Do I love you because you treat me so indifferently? Or is it the medication?” Other lyrics get medical, “I shed a tear between my legs.”

The album consistently deals with love and all its ups and downs: unrequited love of straight boys, love of Parisian dance halls, lust, co-dependence, one-night stands, loving nods to Elton John, and finally a glorious mash note to old Hollywood in the title track, “Release the Stars.”

This final song is a reference to the antiquated procedure of having the great actors under binding contract to Paramount and MGM; Rufus begs that the studios throw open their gates and release these legendary performers to their adoring fans:

“Why do you keep all your stars in
From your studio on Melrose Avenue?
You, who have lost all your assets, all
In lifelong contracts to you.
Didn’t you know that old Hollywood is over?
Oh, can’t you see all the good that
Celebrity can do for those in the dark?
Yes, of course, I am speaking in
Metaphors for something more in your heart.
Didn’t you know that old Hollywood is over?
So why don’t you just
Release the gates and let them all come out?!?
Remember that, without them, there would be no Paramount!!
Let to hold on to what isn’t yours!!!
Release the stars!!!!!”

(The exclamation points are mine, because this is what it sounds like to me.)

The point is, none of this works without a little – or a lot – of over-baked chutzpah and hankie-clutching. We can skip the one or two dullish tracks for the eight or ten pieces of opulent, flashy, claustrophobic brilliance. Thank God someone has the bravery, not to mention the monumental talent, to do this!

Here! This will be on Yousendit for about a week: http://download.yousendit.com/D85F38F713AC8D25

Stay tuned for a review of a bootleg of the new Tori Amos...

Predatory Blogging

A note to Sarah French in LA, who asked me what was up. (I think it was her polite way of saying "Why did you send a harassing message to Ryan?" Hehe. Ryan's cooll!)

"Nothing's up, 'cept I'm really missing my girlfriend! I'm buried at work and need some of your levity. I picked on your local boyfriend; did he tell ya? By the way, you know how David is my dry-husband and Cathy is my dry-wife? Well, now you're my dry-long-distance-girlfriend! K? How's the freeway?"

And a Ran-dumb note to Joel Warren

"Hey! I just finished writing a children's version of The Hours I think you should produce! It has hand puppets!!! I'm now working on the children's version of Silence of the Lambs."

"HON"!?!?!

Someone's mom was a Southern waitress. I was at Lockheed today and go clotheslined by an employee there (By the way, , getting "clotheslined" is a term from my childhood. We'd play hide and seek all hours of the night, and getting clotheslined is where you were running from someone or to someplace and you forgot some backyard had a clothesline. Pwang!)

Anyway, this guy - who also teaches algoriths to engineers - clotheslines me, we talk a bit, and as I am leaving, he says "Buh-bye, Hon."

He stopped and turned eighty shades of red. I tilted my head a second in confusion - like a dog hearing a high-pitched noise. But them I shook it off and just walked away. The guy is married, and he and his wife are the original UGLIES.

Hon.

Hmmm.

Yeah, I Kinda Knew This...

You Are 52% Evil

You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side. Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination.

How Evil Are You?

Your Deadly Sins

Sloth: 80% Gluttony: 60% Greed: 40% Pride: 40% Envy: 20% Lust: 20% Wrath: 20% Chance You'll Go to Hell: 40% You will get bugs, because you're too lazy to shoo them off. And then you'll die.

How Sinful Are You?

Becoming Bi-Postal

I am going to start positing this over at my Myspace page, too...

YOUR MOST HATED...

CANDY:
I have a few – Peeps, those Easter marshmallow eggs with the hard candy coating, circus peanuts, and peanut butter chews (which taste like my brother’s earwax…)

BEVERAGE:
LOL – David and Cathy and going to laugh at the second one. The first – I bought a can of coconut drink at a local Vietnamese store (it tasted like I was drinking my brother’s earwax…) And secondly, I tried Campari and soda recently before the Stephen Lynch concert I attending with David and Cathy) It tasted just like Satan’s urine after a healthy helping of asparagus!

TOWN/CITY:
I dislike a lot of cities and towns; I hate American cities that cannot seem to pick up their own garbage. Tampa, Birmingham, and Irving, Texas pop to mind immediately.

MOVIE:
I have a few – but Sphere and Afterglow are WAAAY up there. Also, I HATE Sleepers.

ASPECT OF MYSPACE BULLETINS:
Dunno – I ignore them.

ANIMAL:
Leeches

INSECT:
TICKS!

BIRD:
Most pet birds, because of having to put up with chickens as a child, I have a bias that sees all domesticated birds as filthy, needy animals!

SEASON:
Snow

AGE OF KIDS:
Dunno – as a group, I think teenaged girls can be the most destructive to themselves and each other.

DRIVING:
I only hate driving where there are stoplights or other people on the road. I really love it when someone else drives.

TALKING ON THE PHONE:
When I am in the middle of something and the person on the other end would be offended with “I gotta go!”

WHILE WATCHING TV OR MOVIES:
Cell phones, especially if the morons pick them up and talk.

EATING IN RESTAURANTS:
Agree with Marcie - People who treat servers as though they're inferior beings.

DRIVE-THRUS:
Steak n Shake – it’s like the seventh circle of Hell. If you’re making the food fresh, DON’T have a drive-thru!

SLEEPING:
Insomnia.

SHOWERING:
Nothing – I LOVE showers! I have this very powerful shower head that basically does a derm-abrasion while it washes – heaven! Wait, sometimes I don’t put the little control-thingy down, and I get dowsed with freezing water first thing in the morning!

YOU'RE AT THE BEACH:
When the sand is really blowing around.

YOU'RE AT THE GROCERY STORE:
A couple – people who block the aisles to chat or slowly browse, and people who are so intent on looking at the shelves that they don’t watch where they are driving! WFTV anchor Bob Opsahl has run his cart into mine more than once!

COOKING OR BAKING:
Nothing – love it! If I don’t love it, I don’t do it. And if anyone wants to buy me new baking sheets or pans, I’m game!!!!

WHAT HOUSEHOLD CHORE DO YOU HATE THE MOST:
Ironing. Thank you Imperial Cleaners!

WHAT WOULD BE THE ABSOLUTE WORST WAY TO DIE?:
Torture

WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING HABIT IN OTHERS?
Low self-esteem, and a personal one – scraping the fork or knife across the plate or your teeth. It gives me an instant migraine – it’s a form of torture for me, really.

MOST IRRITATING THING ABOUT YOUR CAR/TRUCK?
The big dent, the damage inside. It used to be the things that broke down conveniently every oil change, costing me hundreds. But now that I found Travis and he is honest with me, I just budget for what he says needs to be fixed.

TO BE COMPLETELY STEREOTYPICAL, WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE MOST ANNOYING THING ABOUT GUYS?
There is a large contingency of guys that CANNOT grow up. I am OK with immature behavior for fun, as long as you can keep a job, not recklessly spend your money, and not destroy property. But there is a whole population of guys who cannot and will not go to work regularly, act professionally enough to keep the job, balance their checkbook, plan a ride home when they go on a binge, or keep themselves from being failures. They live with their moms, or skip out on months of rent, or treat girls like objects or surrogate moms.

TO BE COMPLETELY STEREOTYPICAL, WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE MOST ANNOYING THING ABOUT GIRLS?
I think girls can be very very mean to each other, and they do not realize that their gossiping and back-stabbing hurts all women in the long run. We should be proud to have peaceful, independent women running our country. Also, I don’t like the pretty princess types who want some guy on a white horse to rescue them so they can have the dream wedding where everyone else has to put up with their shit so they can be royalty for the day and then sit at home ignoring whatever kids they later have. I generally wish women would rise up and start a peaceful riot in this country, and I think they can!

Jane Russell is TRASHED!

This is SO UNSPEAKABLY HORRIBLE, I had to post it. I love when things are so basely wrong-headed and misaimed from their original intent! YOU ALL OWE ME!!!