Ran-dumb thoughts for a Tuesday

How do some people on the interstate feel perfectly comfortable going 15 miles slower than everyone else? And they’re always in the middle lane, you notice? And cars are trying to swerve around them in some sort of maniacal auto-version of the ballet The Ravens. I know this is mean, but I’ve noticed that the chauffeur retardé is almost always old people or foreign women.

I think Panera should buy the rights to West Side Story’s Maria:
Panerna. I just found a store named Panera!

There was always this one particular smell I could never quite catalog. And I have a bionic nose. I remember that my grandma’s house smelled of books and of homemade cooking, but there was a third distinct scent that completely eluded me. This morning, returning a cake carrier to the person who made me a birthday cake, I hit upon it! Old Tupperware!!! My grandma’s house smelled of books and cooking and old Tupperware! It’s a very unique scent, so I am not disappointed I could not qualify it until now. I am only happy I now know what it is.

I still feel horrible about my selfishness at wishing tropical storm Katrina would miss us so it wouldn’t cut into my birthday. Then it went out into the gulf, turned into Hurricane Katrina, and slammed into New Orleans and Mississippi. Man, I hate Catholic guilt!

Slowly undressing someone else while they just stand there and pose and look handsome is very very sexy!

I had a dream last week that I found a small grey pebble that had the ability to cure migraines instantaneously. I gave it to Marcie, even though I sometimes get sinus headaches. I figured she needed it more than me.

When our air conditioning shuts off in the middle of the night, our place gets stifling really fast. I wake up like Gwyneth Paltrow in the final scene of Shakespeare in Love. With a dramatic gasp, I spring up out of bed clutching my throat. Except there’s no dead Joseph Feinnes on my lap, natch!

The Heavens Hate My Guts!

I'll just have a major bitch-fest here, since no one really reads this.

I keep reading my horoscopes, all of which seem to be telling me that the current sheise I seem to be wading in isn’t the worst it’s been.

Really?

The horoscopes also all say that things are going to improve.

But don’t hold my breath, right? Cuz I’ve had to wind this wristwatch called hope a few times already this month…(I’m working on my Dylanesque metaphors in the meantime. It’s a hobby...)

One astute horoscope even said, “Don’t get superstitious on me now.” What the hell?!?!? I’m already there, baby! I wouldn’t be reading the fucking horoscopes vainly searching for hope if I wasn’t already superstitious, you effing moron!!!

Let’s start with this: For the last three months we have been planning big event for my largest client, Lockheed. It’s several thousand dollars. Now, I have been telling both my office and Lockheed that I don’t think this event is the best money spent for the highest impact. That I think we should forgo the whole circus spectacle for a more targeted, savvy approach that isn’t as showy but certainly likely to be more effective. Apparently I was being a Debbie Downer. Well, until…

Until! Until only 280 people turned up for the event.

And then no one would acknowledge that I was right.

And then when they did finally begrudgingly admit that I was “somewhat” accurate, someone at Lockheed mused about how much my “subtextual negativity” might have hindered the event! What the hell?!?!? Like I’m some sort of mastermind super-villain with otherworldly powers, who, although I put in hour and hours of overtime and polished everything to a high, professional sheen, can somehow secretly plant the seeds of failure in a 4800-person population so that they don’t show up!

I wanted to ask what I could do better next time: “What, do you think, is a good way of acknowledging the possible problems that I foresaw and still maintaining hope. Because I felt like I was saying these things so our client wouldn’t waste money, and it seems I was right. But apparently, to others, it seems my voicing of these concerns might be the cause that the event didn’t succeed?”

Instead, I just sat there and diplomatically fumed in silence.

My boss noticed and pulled me aside and said, “You were right, but they weren’t willing to listen, we know. Now, however, they are more willing to hear you, and you can utilize this to suggest the changes you already suggested. This way, we gain trust, we make much more money, and the program still moves forward. If you get upset at being blamed for ‘mystically’ causing this not to go so well, then you are missing the chance to bring about positive change. So, I want you to work on letting this go and building on the things you already see as future positives…”

And then I noted that others in my organization don’t nearly pull the weight I do. And I was told, that yes, that is true. However, everyone is a “successful contributor” and that not everyone is required to be an A-Talent like I am.

I diplomatically responded, “I would like to be duly compensated for being that A-Talent, then.”

Instead, the account director for our company decides that my overtime is causing burn-out, so she makes it so I cannot legally work any. Except, now my clients are furious, because I cannot fit them all in!

Oh, and no overtime makes the account director’s job easier, but it makes our company less money and affects my clients directly, which apparently no one but me has a problem with!!!

So, how do we fix it? Get other consultants to step up? Clear some of my mundane tasks!?!? No, my boss say we negotiate with our clients individually to “adjust their expectations of service from ‘as quickly as humanly possibly’ to something more like ‘timely and professional.’” Again, apparently this good service is my fault, and that is why we are here. Apparently, my working hard is really a disservice to me and the company! My caring about my job and committing to doing a quality job is NOT a good thing!

The contact at CNL, when she got the email from my boss, actually asked, “What does this bullshit mean?”

I tried to diplomatically explain to her that my company wants the business but not at the risk of burning me out. She asked if something I said or did instigated this, and I responded, “As far as I know, no.” She asked if I felt burnt out – I don’t, really. She asked me if they were sending in other consultants to help me. Again, no. So, she wrote a nasty letter to my boss saying she is perfectly happy at my service at the current level and assumes that any adjustment will be compensated by other consultants with “Steve’s same professionalism, timeliness, and drive to exceed our expectations.”

So, my boss is now miffed and a little furious.

And then!

The crème-de-la-crème! I have been doing assessments for 82 people at Lockheed. Well, I noticed early on that we had employee versions of the assessment online and not manager versions. So, I called our vendor and requested manager versions. Well, they changed the appearance so it would look like the manager version, but it was not.

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!

We’re three weeks into gathering responses from 10 to 16 of these 82 person’s peers, subordinates, bosses, when we notice this!

Okay, so we’re working with the vendor. I explain, “It’s like I asked for a Newsweek magazine. You gave me Better Homes and Gardens. I hand it back and tell you that this ain’t Newsweek. You rip the cover off the Better Homes and Gardens, paste on a Newsweek cover, and hand it back to me?!?!?!? DON’T THEY KNOW THEY’RE OWN FUCKING PRODUCT?!?!?

Now we have to go back to essentially 600 people and correct this!

We end up looking like boobs.

And the vendor tells me that if knowing the error, I would’ve asked for a preliminary print-out to notice it was the wrong one (which I have never done before) then I would’ve noticed!

I wanted to say to her, the only reason I would have ever treated her with such disrespect and lack of professionalism and checked behind her back for accuracy is if I thought she was a complete and total drooling moron. Which, now that she has proven to me that she is, I will certainly do so in the future!

Instead, I diplomatically said I realy feel the approach she suggested was micro-managing and treating her with disrespect, as if I expected that she didn’t know her job. She was silent, because this error would suggest that she doesn’t…


And now…

I find that in the middle of my birthday , we have a FUCKING GODDAMN TROPICAL STORM BLWOING IN!!!!!!!!

I was planning a dinner and a movie that I invited my friends to, but I'm not going to expect anyone to come out in a fucking tropical storm!

What in fuck’s sake!

I need to know how I pissed off the gods, people!

This is smacking of Fate taking me out into some dark alley and fucking me up the ass with no lube! And I’m starting to get really pissed and frustrated!

Witty Reparte' Online

This is one of the guys I like chatting with online in a bulliten board.


Someone new to that board asked which one of us is cooler. Here are our replies:

Sorry,
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I get these two mixed up...

Is schmacko the cool one, or is it stuporfly?
posted: 8/16/2005 10:56 Reply PM Edit IP


Cestlavi
registered: 10/11/2004 00:00
posts: 969
Stuporfly
---------------------------------------------------------------------
!!!!!
posted: 8/16/2005 10:57 Reply PM Edit IP


durrani
registered: 7/30/2003 00:00
posts: 1770
ack...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
neither are cool. they are both red hot...
posted: 8/16/2005 10:57 Reply PM Edit IP


Starry_Eyes
registered: 10/20/2000 14:03
posts: 2904


neither one of them are
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm the cool one.
Starry_Eyes
posted: 8/16/2005 11:02 Reply PM Edit IP


nannyboo
registered: 4/14/2005 00:00
posts: 2038
....
---------------------------------------------------------------------
hi, i'm a newbie and i think it's a tie b/w schmafly and stuporcko.


Hmmmm
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I think they're both super groovy. Which considering I've never met them, is a real compliment.
posted: 8/16/2005 11:07 Reply PM Edit IP


NYCRedhead
registered: 4/27/2001 10:32
posts: 7604

Well, um...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I sleep with Stuporfly, but schmacko sleeps with me.

What does that tell you?

Sheila
posted: 8/16/2005 11:09 Reply PM Edit IP


stuporfly
registered: 1/14/2002 00:00
posts: 4582
...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
We both suck, but I'm from New York and schmacko is from Florida. I think that might be the only major difference.
posted: 8/16/2005 11:10 Reply PM Edit IP


schmacko
registered: 6/19/2002 00:00
posts: 3977
Go with stuporfly
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I'll only break your heart.

posted: 8/17/2005 04:26 Reply PM Edit IP


stuporfly
registered: 1/14/2002 00:00
posts: 4597
...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Go with schmacko.

He's tender, and he'll hold you close afterward.
posted: 8/17/2005 05:24 Reply PM Edit IP

schmacko
registered: 6/19/2002 00:00
posts: 3983
Go with stuporfly
----------------------------------------------------------------------

cuz he won't secretly film and post your sweet lovemaking on the internet for all the world to see.

posted: 8/17/2005 09:19 Reply PM Edit IP


stuporfly
registered: 1/14/2002 00:00
posts: 4615
...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Go with schmacko, because stuporfly will watch your sweet lovemaking on the internet.
posted: 8/17/2005 09:26 Reply PM Edit IP


schmacko
registered: 6/19/2002 00:00
posts: 3984
Nope, go with stuporfly
---------------------------------------------------------------------
cuz after schmacko enlarges your breasts and replaces your head with Ed McMahon's in photoshop, he'll watch the video too....
and neither of his hands will be on the keyboard...

posted: 8/17/2005 09:30 Reply PM Edit IP

stuporfly
registered: 1/14/2002 00:00
posts: 4616
...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Yeah, you'd better go with stuporfly after all.

An Open Letter to the "Female Circumcision" Sicko...

...who felt the need to advertise that stupid, dumbass blog on my site...

"Do people get furious with you posting shit to their threads...encroaching on their territory...to advertise your own blog??? Cuz God in Heaven knows I'm furious! What you're doing is insensitive and selfish - not very "Christian" at all.Learn some freakin' manners! Respect others' space!"

Ummmm

I had a really sexy dream about Joel Warren last night...

...which doesn't surprise me at all, cuz (I know he's straight but) damn is he sexy! And talented to boot.


Does this mean I'm gonna have a good day?

Pics of him here with the almost-as-sexy Wade "I'm Not a Natural Blonde) Henderson and the very very very very sexy Sarah French.

http://www.icehousetheatre.com/3daysarch.htm

Another damn quiz

But Marcie says she likes my answers, so...

EGO:

[Your 3 best qualities] I am the prism through which all of the universe’s light of goodness transforms into a rainbow of blessings to fall gently on the righteous, I am modest, and I don’t masturbate in public.

[Your 3 worst qualities] See above.

[3 words that describe how others view you] 3D, unctuous, and plutocratic

[3 words you would use to describe yourself] Loquacious, bipedal, eco-unfriendly

[A special compliment that made you blush] “I’m sure someone would bury your dead carcass…”

[An insult that made you burn] “They may not say any kind words over your rotting corpse, but they’d dispose of you somehow…”

[The animal that best describes you] The white-billed woodpecker, because people are still fighting over whether it is extinct or not.

[The greatest amount of physical pain you ever endured] this quiz

[Your best physical feature] my absence.

[At your best, you are most like this famous person] Aquaman

[At your worst, you are most like this famous person] Dakota Fanning

[Your most recent selfless act] I let someone touch me.

TOP THREE:

[3 people you consider to be geniuses] Elmo, Wonder Woman, and the Evil Lord Kromdar

[3 inventions you consider to be ingenius] porn, the air popper, and death metal

[Your 3 favorite childhood toys or games] My dad’s shotgun, the neighbor girl’s vagina, and a large can of Hormel Chili

[3 words you often use when speaking] “ummm” “uh” and “ummmuh”

[3 sounds that disturb you] “ummm” “uh” and “ummmuh”

[3 lessons you have learned the hard way] You definitely do need lube. Don’t test to see if the iron is hot with your face. And if you do, don’t burn the other side too in the name of symmetry.

[3 things you would never do] Keep a blog, answer quizez, or cover up my eternal soul-wrenching pain with sarcasm

[3 things you would not allow your children to do] Live, eat and breathe

[3 things you have done in your life that you regret] Got born, woke up every morning, and did this quiz


WISHES:

[Your dream] To be at a party that David is throwing, and then to spontaneously turn into a winged unicorn and fly away to never been seen or heard from again. Cuz, God! David!! Wouldn’t that be a party they’d talk about for weeks!?!?!

[If you had the talent or the opportunity, you would] be drop-dead gorgeous. Like so good-looking, people forget to breathe.

[Something you wish you could learn at the snap of your fingers] Snapping my fingers

[Something you wish you could change about your life] HAHAHA, just one thing!?! You see a specific thing I should focus on!?!?!

[You want to retire at this age] Prenatal

[How do you plan to spend that last years of your life] Pre-dead

[How would you like to spend the last few minutes of your life] With amnesia, so I wouldn't have to think about the regrets or all the things I'd miss once I was dead.

[At your funeral, you want people to remember you as] that person who turned into a winged unicorn at David's party!!! Yeah, rock on!!!

[Something you dreamed that later happened or turned out to be true] I dreamed I woke up...what a disappointment that turned out to be...

EMOTIONS:

[The emotion you tend to hide the most] Sympathy

[The emotion you seem to experience the most] Intense, bone-crushing, soul wrenching, edge-of-suicide joy

[A moment you achieved absolute happiness] *cue the crickets*

[You would feel envious right now if] it’d make a bit of difference.

[A piece of music that makes you sentimental] Henryk Gorecki’s Symphony of Sorrowful Songs

[When you are happy, you need] porn

[When you are sad, you need] porn

[When you are nostalgic, you need] porn

[When you are angry, you need] porn

[When you are lonely, you need] porn

[When you are in love, you need] privacy and porn

[You would jump up and down with joy if someone told you] I could start all over without any memory or baggage.

[The last time you cried uncontrollably was] right now.

[A moment in your life when your emotions froze and you felt absolutely nothing] and right now.

[You get angry with yourself when you] cry uncontrollably and then freeze up and feel absolutely nothing…Grrrrr.

I've Thought More about this God Thingy...

Because as a Christian, you can come to Jesus at the very last moment of your life, ask forgiveness, accept your personal Lord and Savior Jesus Christtm into your life, and then live in eternal bliss.

So this whole gay thing is not really such a big deal, is it?

I mean, the trick isn't living a good, moral life. It's knowing roughly when you're goign to die, so you can repent before you meet your maker. The closer you get to your actual death before you turn Turn to Godtm, the more fun you'll have, and the longer you'll live a happy life before this religion thing rebirths you into a life of dour jundmentalism and hatred of anything pleasurable.

Now, if we can just get this on a cable access channel, we could be rich!!!

The True Nature of the Divine

When I was a kid, I prayed and prayed to God for a brand new bicycle.

But then I found out that God didn't work that way.

So I just stole a bike and then prayed to God for forgiveness.

Durantard

On the Duran Duran board - some fan wrote:

Is it just me...
Or are some of our number getting a bit jaded to the joys of a Duran concert? I saw a-lot of aimless scramblng around in purses, idle chit-chat, getting up to get beer, and talking on cell-phones DURING the show. I don't know about you, but I barely had control of my voluntary motor-skills with John just eight feet away from me! Ahhhh. John. *swoons and faints*


I replied.


Scramblng around in purses, idle chit-chat, getting up to get beer, and talking on cell-phones DURING the show? I save these activities for church....

My Horoscope...

From "Real World" Astrologer Reb Brezney

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Last June in Ethiopia, seven men kidnapped a 12-year-old girl and held her in a remote wilderness for seven days. Then a miracle occurred. Three lions sprang out of nowhere and chased the abductors away. They protected the girl until a search team arrived, then slipped away. "The lions stood guard until we found her and then they just left her like a gift and went back into the forest," said one of the rescuers. I've told you this story because I believe it has metaphorical resemblances to an adventure you're in the middle of.

Yeah, but am I the kidnappers, the lions, the girl, or the rescue party?

Quiz Knows

MEMORIES:

[Describe your first paying job] You know, I cannot remember if it was delivering papers or helping my brother seed pot for selling.

[Describe your best paying job] This one, consultant in organizational development and restructuring

[You are haunted by the memory of] My last quiz.

[A person who was exceptionally kind to you] My grandma’s best friend, who was our neighbor and who became our grandma. She used to have a person who shuttled between my hometown and college town bring my laundry, and she’d wash it for me. I had laundry service in college. She saved my life, but that’s another story.

[A person who made you miserable for a long time] My stepmother. She was schizophrenic, but we didn’t know it growing up. We thought it was us.

[A smell that reminds you of your childhood] Pool – you know, hot concrete and chlorine – I spent a LOT of time at the local pool.

[A routine you remember from your childhood] We had a LOT! Schizophrenic people like ritual. My stepmother did make for a fantastic Halloween, because she simply loved the ho0liday.

FEARS:

[Your greatest fear] People finding out that I am really a millionaire, international male model known as Prod.

[A crime or natural disaster you were a victim of] I am a crime against nature.

[A sickness or disease you fear] Love.

[A reason for which you would seriously contemplate suicide] Is it Tuesday?

[When people first meet you, you are afraid they will think] How’d you know?!?!?! Yes, I am. I find if they don’t think, we’re both better off.

[Your greatest fear about aging] Piccadilly Café.

[Your greatest fear about marriage] Getting there.

[Your greatest fear about having children] Finding a place to hide the bodies

[A plan or project you worry may fail] My fight against gravity.

[Something on your mind you are afraid to share] How many colors of caps do you think Diet Coke has had in the plastic bottle???

CAT AND MOUSE:

[When you really want to get to know someone, you say or ask] Can I mind-meld with you?

[The largest age difference you have had in a relationship] I was gay, he was straight. Nothing insurmountable.

[Who was younger] He was, by ten months.

[Something someone said or did that you found extremely attractive] I think it was Alyson – she kissed me on the ear.

[Something someone said or did that you found frighteningly unattractive] I find that a BIIIIIG turnoff is being mean to wait staff.

[A saying you've heard about men or women that you believe is true] They wouldn’t be here if someone earlier didn’t have a little sex.

[A physical trait you find attractive] Bipedalism

[An intellectual ability you find attractive] Toilet trained.

[A personality trait you find attractive] Ah, a serious answer for once – charm.

[You are irritated when people ask you] No, I’m irritated when they don’t ask me. They should ask me. About everything!

[You love it when people ask you] See above.

[Your secret passion] Helping the garden hedges get back to their home planet of UYT*&FU.

[Your longest grudge] I like to call it a friendship.

[A type of person you don't seem to get along with] Ghosts.

[You and your spouse or partner argue about this issue often] His lack of substance…

[What you enjoy most about having a committed relationship] Pretending that it will happen some day.

[What you dislike most about having a committed relationship] The fact that it won’t. (No, really, I’m okay with this – you have to positively accimate yourself to the life you have, and that’s what I am doing.)

SEXUALITY – what’s that?

[Your sexiest feature] My absence

[A wonderful place where you have made love] My dreams.

[An unfulfilled fantasy] See the last seven posts.

[A fulfilled fantasy] To bring honor and glory to the evil lord Kromdar.

[A fragrance that reminds you of someone with whom you have been intimate] LMAO -Drakkar Noir, seriously. Or Coast soap.

[The most perverted situation you have ever been in] This one.

IF:

[If you could change one law] The law of gravity.

[If you could erase one memory] This quiz.

[If you could bring one person back from the dead] Jim Jones

[If you could start all over] I’ve started over about 16 times already.

HERE AND NOW:

[Your most important goal right now] Finishing this quiz.

[The best word to describe your love life]

[The best word to describe your job] Lucky.

[Your biggest obstacle right now] My inability to turn invisible

[The last person you said "I love you' to] The Evil Lord Kromdar

[A piece of wisdom you would pass on to a child] Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs AT you.

Killing Me Softly with His Quiz

1. When you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at?
I check to see if the horns are showing, that’s about it.

2. How much cash do you have on you?
A lot actually for me, $128.25

3. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST"?
Messed

4. Favorite plant?
One that spews tons of pollutants into the air and water every day, what is that??? Union Carbide???

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
Hehe – David Almeida

6. What is your main ring tone on your phone?
Satan singing me his typical lullaby.

7. What shirt are you wearing?
A grey and black striped polo

8. Do you "label" yourself?
Only with Avery labels, cuz they stick the best.

9. Name brand of the shoes you are currently wearing?
Nunn Bush

10. Bright or Dark Room?
Black as my soul, if you can get it that dark

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
David? – I mention him a lot in my suicide letter, so I think he’ll be happy for the attention.

12. Ever "spilled the beans"?
Yep, all the time. Oh, the legend is that my blind grandfather tripped on some beans he spilled, hit his head, and died. When I was four, I wrote a song about it. We sing it at every family baptism.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Having a panic attack and crying while the aliens took the probe out of my ass and stuck it up my nose...again...

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say?
It is most definitely private.

15. Do you ever click on "Pop Ups" or Banners?
Nope.

16.What's a saying that you say a lot?
I use the word “the” a lot, I’ve noticed.

17. Who told you they loved you last?
My mom. Just before she died in 1977. She said, verbatim, “I love you last.”

18. Last furry thing you touched?
Tater Monkey, a stuffed animal I have here at work

19. How many hours a week do you work?
50 to 55. I like my job. Not sure how I’d feel about my life as a whole if I didn’t have it.

20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
Half of one, I think.

21.Favorite age you have been so far?
Pre-natal

22. Your worst enemy?
It’s between Liverworst and Bratworst

23. What is your current desktop picture?
My cat. Yep, I’m that gay.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
“Have a good night” to Suzanne, a coworker. I am always last to leave.

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to erase all of your regrets, what would you choose?
Apparently, I am currently choosing to erase my regrets, because I sure as hell ain’t got the money.