My Favorite 80s Albums

Just for fun!

10. U2 - War – They're Irish, they're loud, and they sing political pop songs tinged with Catholic guilt. What's not to love? Well, what wasn't to love back before Bono went off and... Well, how do I put this? Some people think they're God's gift to the world; others think they're God herself. Bono would fall with a resounding thud into that last category. But this 1983 album - with "Sunday Bloody Sunday" and "New Year's Day" still has their bombast tinged with youthful abandon, Irish recklessness, and a longing to be like The Clash. Which makes for a beautiful album.

9. Arcadia – So Red The Rose – For those of us who thought Duran Duran wasn’t pretentious enough (and there are a few of us), the spin-off band Arcadia and it’s rich, artsy work certainly showed us how maniacally far the Wild Boys could go! These songs slather on the synthesizer in thick, rich overblown layers! And the costumes!?!? (What else could you call them???) With the cross-pollination Goth and the modern Spanish army both in song and in clothes....ahhh....gorgeous! God will never forgive grunge for killing such opulent beauty! I love that somewhere I read that "Election Day" was a rail against modern politics. Shyeah, right! Like Simon Le Bon's lyrics ever make any sense at all! And there's goose-pimply joy in the spooky "Missing" and "Promise" (the latter which boasts guest artists Herbie Hancock and Sting - Gah, could anything be any more gaudily overdone!?!?!) [Interesting side note: At one point, this album was the most expensive ever produced; a year later, pedophile Michael Jackson's Bad surpassed it. Adjusted for inflation, no album has ever surpassed these two.]

8. Cyndi Lauper – She’s So Unusual – I think one of the first signs of my weirdness was how many kinky wet dreams I had that starred Cyndi Lauper. Christ! Was there a more joyous, more cheese-riddled 1980s album than this 1984 release? "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun," "Time After Time," "All Through The Night," and that paean to onanism, "She Bop," put some color into my post-punk world!

7. Tears for Fears – Songs from the Big Chair – Freud still spins in his grave! Synth-heavy pop songs based on questionable psychology theories and techniques; could anything be more self-important and misguided? Not in the “pop-psych” 1980s! I think I was under the influence of every one of these crackpot ideas in my seven years of therapy (poor family, bad parenting, alcoholism, infidelity, sibling abuse, that ol’ sh!t…dah dah dee, whatever…) This lovely precursor to their classic album Seeds of Love had great tunes like "Shout" and "Head Over Heels." But mostly, it had the yuppie theme song "Everybody Wants to Rule The World." Smack dab in 1985, this song was a milestone for the entire decade.

6. The Housemartins – London 0 Hull 4 – Ah, these poor underrated boys! (This is the first of my "Who the Hell Are They?" people - get prepared.) Yes, they mined the same acoustic vein as The Smiths, but The Housemartins' talent for close vocal harmony and twee political bombast certainly separated them from everyone else out there. Although singer Paul Heaton’s lyrics were less fey than Morrissey’s, his high tenor still invited a few raised eyebrows from my high school football team as these songs blasted from my car stereo. But "Sheep" and "Happy Hour" and especially "Get Up Off Our Knees" are so brilliant, I wore out several copies of this tape while sludging through my teenage years. 1986 was my sophomore year in high school; this was my soundtrack.

5. The Silencers – A Letter from St. Paul – This dark little 1987 gem proved this Scottish band was so much more than a U2 knockoff. Sadly, today they are virtually unknown, but for a few months there, they were the college band to know. Their sound is a bit like U2 meets Depeche Mode, with guitars and synthesizers striking a nice balance. In Iowa, where I am from, my deep-seated Catholic guilt found a few songs to relate to. Although their version of "Swing Low Sweet Chariot" which closes out the album is a shining moment in pop, the song that defines their Eucharis pacifism is the haunting "Bullets and Blue Eyes." It's really hard to fairly describe a dark album that is the 1980s version of a Martin Luther sermon without turning a lot of people off, and that's sad!

4. New Order – Substance – No one can ever really say what a New Order album is really about, can they? The beeps and blips and then Bernard Sumner's cold and strange lyris made up of odd strings of clichés. This 1987 release is my only greatest hits album on this list, but it deserves it. In my opinion, these deadpan, synth-laden pop prizes are the ancestors to all the best-produced dance music of the last 20 years. New Order taught everyone else how to do it. Ah the glory of "Bizarre Love Triangle" and "Blue Monday"! And finally, "Touched By The Hand of God" is considered a classic! But, if there is a New Order song I feel I actually do understand - and deeply - it's their life-changing "True Faith."

3. Crowded House – Temple of Low Men – The title says it all. This is an album about men brought down. Whether by obsessive love, infidelity, dishonesty, depression, or violence, this album explores the downtrodden in a beautiful turn of song-craft only Neil Finn (of Split Enz fame) could accomplish. The vocal harmonies and their lovely acoustic guitars prodded on by Mitchell Froom's ghostly keyboards and precise production are pure heaven. It seems that just as I was hitting my first real heartbreaks and finding out my own first failings, this album was there as a soundtrack, and in particular – with “Love This Life” – a salvation. This mood-filled, cathartic album came out the year I graduated high school, 1988. [Interesting note - a lot of Crowded House's music, including a few tracks from this album, can be heard throughout the Russell-Crowe-is-gay film The Sum of Us.]

2. The Smiths – The Queen is Dead – I remember first hearing this album and thinking that the lyrics were a barely veiled gay anthem of disaffection of detachment. I was so in the closet in 1986 when this came out, I was even kind of ashamed to admit to owning it. Johnny Marr’s guitars won me over anyway. And then after repeated listens, it seems like I suddenly started to realize that Morrissey wasn’t just singing about his own latent homosexuality and forced celibacy, but the distance that exists in all of us freaks. Who hasn't shot at humor and instead put their foot in their mouth ("Bigmouth Strikes Again")? Who hasn't want to meet a lover "by the cemetery gate" to picnic and revel in the maudlin? Who hasn't wanted to see their local clergy brought to shame, caught dancing in a frilly tutu? By the final beautiful, flute laden song (“There Is a Light That Never Goes Out"), don’t all of us want someone to drive us away from the banality and coldness of our own families and to fantastic people who are “young and alive”? Yes, Morrissey, we do! And, you're right; it is worth dying for.

1. Duran Duran – Rio – Nothing can be said about it that is more brilliant than the album itself. Ah, the beautiful boys and the birth of New Wave, all in one only-slightly-cheesy package! On a personal note, the polish of Duran Duran’s music and image seemed so far removed from the rednecks and cornfields of my small Iowa town. This album went a long way in helping me shape my own self image apart from the simplistic farmers and the white trash families of my upbringing. I had been listening since the first album, but the success of this album finally proved to others in my junior high I wasn’t entirely wrong. I felt so important owning it before it became huge! Of course, it also made me sorta faggy, but not completely, cuz the girls thought they were cool too. "Hungry Like The Wolf" and the title track and "Hold Back The Rain" and "New Religion" and "The Chauffeur" (with it's lesbo video!). Nothing, however is as stirring as their homage to one-night stands, "Save a Prayer." If you don't have this album, you should go out and buy it right now!!!

Paint-by-number Neuroses

This is gonna sound a bit neurotic. The way my mind works:

1. Blood Red - I had such a HUGE amount of car repairs on Friday that my worst fears at owning a car (those same obsessive fears that convinced me for several years I could do without a car….) are currently being realized in glorious Technicolor. …mostly red….the bill and my blood pressure… On top of that, the thing isn’t perfectly fixed yet, so now I have to take it back to the people to fix their own mistake – Grrr. And just Saturday I found a mechanic I trust – a day after I spent all this money. So, I’m panicking a bit.
2. Lost Friend Lavendar (hehe)- I miss David something fierce.
3. Panicky Yellow - My psychologist said that her schedule is so full, that unless I have a full blown anxiety attack, rather than this constant minor discomfort I have had for the last four days (like I am on a slow sinking ship) – i.e. a “real emergency” – she won’t be able to see me until Wednesday.
4. Pervy Purple - I just found out today that Phillip and Marc are moving to Virginia?!?!? Not that I’ve seen them much in the last two years, but this move completely erases my chances at getting to know them better!!! I always wanted Marc to love me so much he’d make me a custom Halloween Barbie. And I know this is inappropriate, but Phillip is this tiny, thin, but well-built man../ I don’t really wanna have sex with him, but just once – out of curiosity – I woulda liked to see him (and even Marc, who is no slouch himself) shirtless and working on their miniature pony farm. (No kidding, they raises mini-ponies in Ocala!)
5. Sad, Sad Grey - My adopted grandma died Thursday night in Dallas after 6 years of battling Alzheimer’s and progressive late-stage dementia. So, I knew this was coming, so I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. But now every time I see a baked good (she was an amazing cook) I start to cry. (I buried this in here so people wouldn’t think I was fishing for sympathy.) This is the woman who stopped me once from suicide, so I feel a great loss. But she always sorta looked forward to death in a very positive, non-morose way. She was the sort of Christian who puts the 99.9999999999% to utter shame. I myself will never live up to the example she set.
6. Anit-CoDependant Aqua - I want to help people, but I don’t want to be the crutch. I have a hard time believing that smart, dedicated people who just happen to not have a bachelor’s degree cannot seem to make more than $18,000 a year! But I’ve met a few recently. How does this happen!?!?!
7. Praise-Worthy Plum - I love that Sarah is getting her proverbial car waxed. She deserves it!!!
8. "See What Brown Does To You" Brown - I drank too much coffee and it’s adding to the panic.

Ran-dumb Tuesday - The Long Version!

On Sunday, I did one of those lecherous things which Cathy would say I do so much more than I actually do. (Actually, I think this one shocked her.)

We were at SuperTarget, and this beefy young man was kinda cruising me. And then he went into the men’s room, and I swear I actually did have to go, so I followed him in there. And we peed and chatted together, though I didn’t peek I swear. And anyway, I was just washing my hands, and we were still chatting about nothing in particular. That was when he stood in the mirror and played with his nipple piercings through his thin wife beater and leered at me, smiling. I just noticed them. And the wedding band. Or what looked like a gold wedding band. And though he was friendly and good-looking, the piercings???…and playing with them in front of me???…and the wedding band???…threw me off so much!!!

And there was no way in hell I would ever ever do anything in a SuperTarget bathroom! And I scared about what I may have gotten myself into, because that wasn’t my intention., though going into a public bathroom to just flirt seems also pretty questionable, now that I think about how stupid I was…

So, I left and he followed me out. And then he stood near the water fountain and stared and smiled at me in the check-out aisle until this woman (I assume his wife) and a little girl (his daughter?!?!) came up with him. Well, then I couldn’t stop myself. They were chatting, so I went and got a drink to eavesdrop. They were only talking about what they needed. So, they start to walk away, and he puts his hand on her ass, kinda turns around to me, pinches his nipple piercing again, and winks at me… And then he walked away with the woman and the girl.

I keep getting more and more symbols from the universe that my karma requires me to be completely single for this lifetime.


Monday, I left work at 12:30 to go over to a shoot I was hired for a Darden Restaurants safety video. Now, I like acting in industrials; it’s usually fun and the pay is very good. I especially like working with this particular production company. I especially like that they are professionally staffed, and I like that they treat the actors well.

So, I am playing this flamboyant chef with anger-management issues. I basically step into the “kitchen” and yell and scream and scare the hell out of my “staff.” And then after I leave, they learn and teach each other about safety. Which is apparently my secret hot button. It’s a fun role, and the director is letting me improv a lot. The costume is black sneakers with light up heels, black and pink striped pants (wide striped, like ¾ and inch each), a white chef’s jacket with pink piping, a black and pink kerchief in my jacket pocket, and this flaming pink chef’s hat. My accent is this German/French/Bulgarian accent I have been playing with for a few years (and now I finally get to use it!)

So, at one point, I suggested that while I was screaming about this spill on the floor, I could reach down and stick my finger in it, taste it, and then scream that it has too much salt. And then I’d realize I ate something off of the floor and guzzle about half a bottle of Listerine! Funny stuff….

Well, apparently, because this young doofus actor keeps laughing during our takes. We shot six times with him laughing. OK, I am getting a little sick of eating chocolate sauce off of the floor (it looks like gravy) and then downing half a bottle of colored water that looks like Listerine while this moron cracks up and ruins my shot. It’s flattering he thinks it’s funny….it’s flattering the first TWO OR THREE TIMES!!!

So, since I am ad-libbing anyway, in character, I yell and scream at this actor in character… Except he finds that hilarious and ruins two more shots.

OK, now I’m getting angry. So, I noticed that really, for this part of the shot, he cannot really be seen, so I asked the director if we could pull him and two other people out of the scene and “pretend’ that they are there. The director gave me this look like I was an oasis in the dessert!

But then I realized that with two cameras, there was no reason to be constantly eating this stuff off of the floor. They could shoot one part – me putting my fingers in the sauce. And then they could edit in the other shot. Me sticking my fingers in my mouth (in which I could have clean chocolate on my fingers! Duh!)

But the director doesn’t like that; he wants one continuous shot, he decides after I point this out to him. SO! They have to move furniture and shoot through a table’s legs to get it all (hand-held digital – they’re trying to make it look like a reality show). AND I HAVE TO DO THE TAKE TEN MORE TIMES!!!!

At least Donkey Boy isn’t there to bray and ruin the shot.

Except! I ran into him at Barnes & Noble last night and he angrily expressed to me that I “had him removed from the shot…” Ummm, so I calm him down and explain to him that I am doing a job. I also explain that everyone felt he couldn’t maintain composure and stay in character for the shot. I mean, they are supposed to be deathly scared of me! So, in order for all of us to get the job done, I asked if he needed to be standing there out of camera range.

He says he’s afraid it made him look unprofessional… Yeah, well…

I just said I had to go home and fled. Christ!

Now, I feel sorta like one of those divas that Sarah French hates to have on the set, except – honestly – I was trying to work for the side of good and not evil. I was!

I get to go back today and see bonehead again! …yay…

I hate how one moron can affect my enjoyment of the experience. I need to build some Teflon against this boob.

Answers in Your Pants, Sirs!

1. Do you still know/ talk to the person you lost your virginity to? I wish. He was killed in a car accident about 6 years ago…a drunk driver hit him. He was sweet. And even though he was 18 and I was 13, and we broke several state and federal laws together, I still think that meeting him and loosing my big V to him is one of the beautiful, wonderful things that happened to me.

2. What would you do with 1,000 plastic spoons? Some sort of art installation – I’d make it look like a version of Arlington Cemetary but with spoons and then in the front have a simulated plastic model of all the extra fat I am carrying.

3. What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school? Umm... Hehe, Neil Diamond, Kiss, Tennessee Ernie Ford, Broadway albums, 38 Special….whatever we had around the house, we were a very musically diverse household, actually.

4.What is the best thing about your current job? I have plenty of time to dig the graves before the cops search my property for the missing bodies.

5. Do you wish cell phone etiquette was a required class upon purchasing one? There is only one thing I would change – that is, when you are with other people, you should value their live company way way way way over whoever the hell calls you on the cell phone! That’s it. Meaning, hang up the damn thing – tell them you’re busy, you’re ignoring your friends, the server just put your food in front of you, the movie’s starting, whatever! Just value the live experience over the electronic one, that’s all I am saying.

6.Are you against marriage? Nope, I am more against people having children, because so many people – even married couples – go at raising kids like it’s an afterthought. We could use with so many fewer people in the world, if they were all wanted, loved, and concentrated on when they were kids. I really think the world needs many many fewer kids – drive up the value, so to speak. Supply and demand…make us appreciate them more.

7. Why? See above.

8. What's the most bizarre food combination you've come up with that's actually tasty? I currently love broccoli salad with a peanut dressing. That’s pretty odd.

9. Have you been on a date in the past week? (or just slept with anyone?) Nope.

10. If yes...how did it go, if no, why not? Some souls are honestly spiritually meant to be single entities, not half of a couple.

11. Where are you going on your next vacation? I plan to go visit Mikey and David up at their cabin in Tennessee.

12. Quote a song lyric, because I told you to! How ‘bout he one I am listening to now? “You’re right next to me, and I think that you can hear me, but funny how the distance learns to grow. Sometimes, I think you want me to touch you, but how can I, when you build the Great Wall around you?”

13. Are most of the friends in your life new or old? Half and half.

14. Do you own any furniture from Ikea? Nada

15. Are you ashamed of having it? Dada

16. What do you wish someone would buy you? I just wish they’d pay off my college loans…and maybe buy me a house.

17. What do you think of hipsters? The really hip people have their own style and their own reason for changing it.

18. What are you wearing right now? LMAO – a chef’s outfit… which is weird, because I am using this computer while waiting for my scene to shoot at this industrial, and they said it might take an hour before we can even rehearse, so the make-up is not even going to touch me until 2pm…

19. When is the last time you had mom's home cookin'? The day before she died…1977.

20. Do you like your parents? I don’t have to like or hate them…they’re both dirt now.

21. What state/country are you from? Iowa…a place with a lot of dirt.

To Survey With Love

Longest Relationship?
Three and a half years. I still have the emotional scars and the collection of eyelashes I secretly stole from him while he slept, but other than that, I’m over it.

How many times have you dropped your cell?
It should be a freakin’ sport with me. I have dropped it, thinking I could slow its fall with my foot, only to basically drop-kick the cell phone several feet. The weird thing is this cheapo phone I have right now, refuses to break.

Last Sport Played:
Volleyball with my sister. I won’t say when that was.

Weekend Plans:
Friday night I am going to see Just Like Heaven. Saturday morning, breakfast with the boys. Sat. afternoon, Corpse Bride with David. Other than that I am open.

Things you spend a lot of money on:
Midget porn and CDs and midget porn and eating at restaurants and ummm, midget porn

3 things you ate last:
Hehe…caught me at a good point. A handful of macadamia nuts, some veggie chips, and I am currently eating a gala apple. I haven’t yet touched the Milky Way Dark I have in my desk drawer.

2 people that hurt you:
David Almeida when he pokes me in the ribs.

Sarah French, in that she is so sexy, but somehow she cannot make me straight.

Two favorite songs:
Right now Pitty Sing’s “Radio” and REMs “Bad Day”

Last school you attended:
UCF…

Favorite Mall Stores:
Z Gallery and Harry & David’s.
You people who list 800 stores need to get help!

Longest Job Held:
I worked for six and a half years for Lockheed Martin in several capacities. Longest single position – this one – 4 and a half years as a consultant.

Do you own a pair of dice?
Yahtzee!!!

Do you prank call people?
Yep, all the time. Usually my friends and they know it’s me.

Last wedding attended?
Mine to the Evil Lord Kromdar. He's dreeeammmy...

Favorite Lake:
The one in Excalibur!!!

Age of first kiss?
Dunno – seems as a child I was always frenching with the neighbor girl.

Favorite Fast Food Restaurant?
Boston Market – and yes, it is fast food because it has a drive-up window!

First friend you'd call if you one the lottery?
David.

Last time you attended church?
I went a few weeks ago…

Biggest lie you've heard?
God told me once “I love you” but has He ever proven it?!?!?

Best kisser?
The most memorable kiss I ever had was from the man whom I first slept with, BJ Wiley. He was so sweet.

Worst kisser?
Lisa Stark once tried making me straight by mashing into my face while humping my leg…

But

The worst kisser was this actor I had to share a stage with. He’d try injuring me with his tongue…

Last hook up?
I’ve decided to quit talking about these things.

Most hated food?
Internal organs

Favorite condom brand?
What’s the weather like outside?

Instead of Random Tuesday

RNG pulled this outa Matty's bag o' tricks - so we'll try it here.

Leave me a comment and I will respond to the following for you, about you. The catch?

You must post it on your blog as well. Who's in?

1. I’ll respond with a random thought I have about you.
2. I’ll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I’ll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I’ll say something that only makes sense to you and me (or so we think.)
5. I’ll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I’ll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I’ll ask you something that I’ve always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your blog.

See What Yellow Can Do For YOU!!

“He’s been peed on, already…”

This is our phrase for cute people we’ve met that our friends have already put dibs on. Meaning, that territory has already been claimed and marked. Essentially, although it hasn’t happened yet, a fairly gregarious person could meet and mark each and every cute person in a given party. Leaving us late-comers nothing…

Imagine this. Big party. Good music. Some chemical sadist mixing the drinks. Let’s say we have a very social friend named Avid Dalmeida there. And Avid basically has met and claimed all the cute boys for his own. He’s got the papers for the mining rights, so to speak.

So we walk into this party looking for boys to chat up, only to find that David…I mean Avid…has put his scent all over them and claimed them as his own. So, basically David...I...Mean...Avid has unrealistically stuck his flagpole, so to say, in all the virgin land at this entire party. And then David...I...Mean...Avid spends the rest of the party protecting his property, thereby effectively making sure no one else gets any cuteboys, but also assuring that he doesn’t either.

And yes, I am picking on him, because the man meets scads and scads of cute boys. And I am extremely jealous. And also, I love David immensely, and he knows it, and he can take this joke.

Also, you like how I talk of the cuteboys like they’re property? I believe I may deserve all that Hell has in store for me.

The only thing that saves me is that Sarah French is usually at these parties, and she’s hotter and more charming than any ol’ stupid boy. So, I’ll just stick in the corner with Hottie French and leave the cuteboys for David...I...Mean...Avid and the other gays to fight over.

And, apropos of nothing, I wish Jeff Lindberg great luck on his first day at Sleuths, which I am absolutely positive he’ll be fabulous at.

Ran-dumb Tuesday, Part II

It’s official! Barbra Streisand’s new song, Hideaway, officially sucks balls. I’d fall asleep to the dull piece of polished crap that is this song. But then I’d have nightmares about having sex with Babs. Jesus, could a song be more bland?!?!?

David has taught me that even recounting a South Park episode can be a form of stand-up. A very entertaining form, in fact.

I did something really evil this weekend. I had a guest, and I really just wanted some time alone to clean the place and get organized. So I suggested a barbeque, and sent them off to the store for the goods while I got a much needed break to power clean. But then I forgot my guest was a bit obsessive compulsive. So he came back in and cleaned even more. I mean, like he scrubbed our windows and screens in the kitchen and living room. Hehe. Sometimes, evil plans work even better than you imagined! And the cookout was fun and very successful for being last minute.

My left hand still feels dirty from Sunday night. ‘Nuff said.

Playing mini-golf. Missing a shot. Screaming “Fuck!” really loud in a place that’s aimed at family entertainment thinking you might get a laugh….yeah, well. Comedy is about taking risks, and sometimes those risks fail… I’m still sorta blushing.

For those who have seen The Aristocrats (which as a funny, funny foul movie): Joe Franklin raped me.

You know how, when you get soft-serve ice cream out of the machine and it has those flutes or grooves in it? Well, those grooves are very important! If not, your soft-serve ice cream comes out in a long, round tube. Like an ice cream turd. It’s disturbing. But we did come up with the brand-name Good Ass-Yougurt!